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JACOB JENKINS, THE CHRONICLE OF AWESOMENESS!

Gimme feedback at this exert from the first chapter.

Now, before I tell you anything, before I start my story I must tell you one thing. This one thing may very well save your life one. I am DEFINIETLY A MAD MAN WITH A- No. That’s The Doctor. My mind is hazy these days, you know. Oh, yes, it was something like this; Fried Pickles are a noxious food that should never be eaten.


So, let me introduce myself. My name is Jacob Jenkins. I am about 4’9, and was one of the shortest kids in my grade 6 class. I have long black hair, with a sort of Justin Bieber style hair style.


And to put It simply, I was having a bad day.


For starters, I was lying on the shoulder of a old lady, who seemed more then content with me lying on her shoulder. I was riding on one of those Coach buses, with the comfy chairs and nice headrests. And, we were in the country; Trees, cattle, and farms. Heart warming if I don’t say so myself.


So, I’m thinking of what to do. Should I throw a shoe at the old lady, or stay there. She was pretty bony, and my ear was hot from laying on her for so long. So, I did the sensible thing;


“You smell like a old ladies fart.” I told her quite proudly. She did. But that might be the crowded bus mixed with old ladies. I don’t know. I don’t care.


“What a rude little boy!” The lady yelled, which caused a lot of other problems; First, two old men in “Hells Angels 1966” coats stood up. One had a baseball bat, and the other a tire iron. . They looked like the they had fought in World War II. But, the worse part about them was their eyes. They looked like they were hungry, like they were starving. Like… They want to kill me.


Now, it is time for a revelation. You would think Half-Bloods, Demi-Gods, or Moitié du Sangs would be use to this. But, I only had ever encountered one monster in my whole life. I ran from that one. I ran. And I ran. I’m the son of a minor god, so I really didn’t have to worry about monsters that much. So, you must see my predicament. I can’t fight… Well, I couldn’t fight.


Right, back to the story. Who ever liked stories?


And second (Haven’t forgotten that first, have you?), the driver was frightened. He was a scrawny little man, with white hair and a hunched back. I couldn’t see his face, but he probably looked like a weasel. He slammed on the brakes, sending everyone forward into the seats in front of them, including me and those old geezer bikers. I don’t know about them, but even with the cushioned seat it hurt me.


I staggered into the aisle, my head swimming. I glanced at where the bikers were, and saw they hand transformed into something odd. They had demon like wings, and a wrinkled pig/dog face. They had 10 centimetre fangs jutting out of their mouth at odd angles, ready to tear into me. A daimonas (If there’s one thing I know, it’s monsters), which literally translated into demon.


So, I did the reasonable thing; Ran. I slid up the aisle, stepping over a unconscious teenager towards the front exit of the bus. I vaulted over a stray suitcase and right by the driver. He had crawled under the steering wheel and was laying by the gas pedal and brakes. I could hear him sob, hiding his body from the frightening noises.


“Open the gods damn door!” I scream at the driver over the sound of lightning., reaching down to his shirt. Instantly he bared his teeth at me, growling to keep me away.


“Too many gods damn monsters!” Lightning again. I rammed into the door, sending it open surprisingly easily. One of those odd miracles in the universe… Or someone had used the emergency door switch.


Before I could leap down to the ground, a horde of people ran yelling and screaming down into the country road. Whatever those bikers were to them, it must have been terrifying. I took a deep breath, then ran into the horde of people, adding to the chaos. I started pushing a… rotund women when I heard a growl from behind me. At first I thought it was a diamonas, with dark fur and those wings. But it’s face was different, almost like a weasel. He was approaching me slowly, a dry laugh coming out of his throat. Well, what I thought was a laugh. It was more a growl and a yelp mixed together.


“You think you can escape me! YOU THINK YOU CAN CHALLENGE ME!?” The creature screamed, it’s voice coming out in primal rage. Saliva was running down its chin and dripping onto the floor, surprisingly not burning holes through it. Who would of thunk?


“Actually. I think I can.” I told the monster arrogantly. I’m going to do something incredibly stupid here, so please digress.


I charged at it. Reaching into my shirt, I pulled out my celestial bronze dagger from its hidden sheath. I leapt through the air, landing on the monsters knee and kicking up; This propelled me up towards his jaw-- And this is where I striked. The end of my dagger pierced behind his chin, going through his tongue and the roof of his mouth. It slided into his nasal cavity and then just below his brain, the daggers guard being stuck on the monsters chin. I let go of the hilt, propelling myself out of the bus from the monsters belly.


“I did.” I muttered, pushing and shoving my way through the crowd until I got into the forest the bridged the road. The monster may die now, but I doubt it. I injured it though, - and if there’s one thing I know it’s that monsters are cowards - so it won’t come after me. I hope. Just then I heard a scream from the crowd, my pace starting to quicken through the uneven terrain of a Canadian forest.


I felt something sharp touch my back, then I slid to the ground.



Had to do double space cause I'm writing this for Fanfiction.net and you need to double space the paragraphs. And, move the topic to friggin Chat. Posted it in the wrong place.

Ok, well if you want my opinion...here it is; its way to similar to the Percy Jackson and The Olympians book. Especially because of the beginning where theres like the note about the whole "before I start thing", the bus, the part where it says he does something stupid, just like Percy would have done. Also, you might need permission from Rick Riordan, to um use his idea like that. But one the plus side, I like the monster discreption.

Wait, so, my writing style is like Rick Riordan then. Thanks. And, it's' a fanfiction. You post it on Fanfiction.net or a fanfiction site and people read it. And, the beginning about pickles was more Brandon Sandersish.

Ok. Well, I thought it was too similar to Rick Riordan. Maybe instead of Greek gods, write about, Hawiian gods.

No, cause that's not a fanfiction. That's just a rip-off x]. And, alot of writers write similar, although they have different qualities

I dont know what fanfiction is so. You got my opinion.

Well, thank you. I will try and improve.

OK.

Holy crap you're quick on the replies.

thanks. xD. i guess that was a compliment?

Yes, yes it was. Means I wanna RP with you now :D

Yeah like blauque panther said, your ideas, although fanfiction, have smilarities to Rick. It's more fun when you create something yourself, like researching the Norse gods and writing stories about them or something. I'm writing a story about a goddess in disguise as a girl, although she's really the Goddess of Rock'n'Roll. She was grounded off of Olypmus since she was acting like a spoiled brat.

-Sigh-. Nevermind guys.

well you make the topic, and then you can RP with me. just let me know where it is.