I try to see you but it's getting dark || Livolai

Livia,

Livia sat up in bed, gasping and banging her head on the low beam where Quell slept on top of her. ”Nik. Nik!” Livia called out, her eyes wide with fear. Instinctively looking down at her hands, Livia was happy to note that they weren’t covered in Nik’s warm blood, as they had been in her dream. A salty taste on her lips told Livia that she had been crying. Still not fully awake, Livia rocked back and forth on her bed, hyperventilating slightly.

There was a moan from above Livia and Quell sat up quickly, woken by her screams. Quickly he hopped down from the top bunk, and sat on the edge of Livia’s bed. ”Hey it’s okay... Nik’s okay. I’m here.” Quell said, reaching his arm out and placing a hand on Livia’s shoulder. She stopped rocking slightly. Still pale and breathing heavily, Livia’s stared at Quell. He gave her a hug, her arms still limp at her sides after immediately dropping them. Livia rested her head on her brother’s bony shoulder blade. ”It’s going to be okay.” Quell whispered. Livia nodded slowly, although she felt too empty to actually listen to Quell’s words.

Then Quell left her to sleep. Livia numbly put her head back down on the pillow, but as soon as she shut her eyes’ Nik’s dead body flashed before her. Screaming, Livia jumped out of her bed as if she was a nervous deer. Sprinting out the door in her pajamas and with no shoes or jacket, Livia stumbled blindly across the camp, running as fast as her legs could carry her. ”Nik! NIK!” Livia screamed desperately. She knew that she was going to the infirmary, her legs just carried her there. Bursting into the room, Livia sought out Nik immediately. Lying on a folding bed, the boy could have been dead. ”Nik you can’t be dead no no no.” Livia said, shaking Nik by his shoulders. His stomach wound was almost fully healed but blood still seeped through the bandages wrapped around his torso.

Livia’s eyes widened. ”Nik!” she screamed. He could be dead what if he was dead Livia was almost hyperventilating now she couldn’t breath and she was starting to panic, her heart racing a mile a minute and her lungs gasping for air.

NikolaiWINCHESTER

Nik could barely remember anything from the battle he was in not even three days before. He knew what had happened before then, Liv and him were having a nice picnic on the beach, and he remembered them kissing. But after that his memory was damaged, and only bits and fragments stood out to him. A scream, probably his own. Blood, warm sticky blood running down his body. Pain, lots of pain. But he mostly remembered Livia, holding him and telling him something. Nikolai couldn't remember what, but he just knew she'd been crying. He hated to see her cry.

He'd gotten stabbed, or so he'd been told. Nikolai shortly after the battle was over, was rushed to the infirmary, where he had been treated for his wound, which was already beginning to fester and putrefy, and it was probably already badly infected because of the bacteria that had seeped in there on the beach. Nikolai was very worried about dying. But he wasn't worried for himself, no. No, he was worried about what would happen to Liv when he was gone. He didn't like to pry into her past, knowing it could possibly trigger a reaction he didn't want. But Nik knew something bad had happened to Livia while he was in relapse.

So Nikolai Winchester was still in the hospital, still breathing and almost fully healed. Nik didn't know what the Apollo kids did to him, but he was mostly cured and that was good enough for him. He'd have to send out a thank you note to them for saving his life, even though that was their job. Nik was sleeping, currently, a dreamless sleep. He was glad about that, because dreams were too happy and nightmares were too sad. There really wasn't anybody else in the cabin except for a camper on watch, but he was in a different room. Soon, however, the camper left, and Nik was alone with his thoughts. He could lucid dream, so he thought about all sorts of things while sleeping. Right now there was just blackness and words in his mind. Just as Nik had started to think about his past yet again, something woke him up.

Nikolai's ice blue eyes ripped open to see what had woken him from his peaceful slumber. It wasn't something, it was somebody. And not just any person, it was Livia Malcolm herself. She was shaking him and screaming his name and how he couldn't be dead. Nik wasn't dead, if he was dead he could feel the tremendous worry filling up inside of him for Liv. What had caused this? The answer was, of course, nightmares. They were the cause of almost everything at night when there wasn't monsters. So Nikolai wrapped his arms around Liv.

"Liv, it's okay. I'm not dead. I'm very much alive." Nik assured her, stroking her blonde hair. He just hugged her, that was all. She needed him tonight and he sort of needed her. Being alone with one's thoughts could make one mad. Being Nikolai Winchester you had a greater chance of going mad when you were alone. "Shh, you're fine. Please stop, you're shivering." Nik just held her close, hoping that she'd be alright. But he knew that she wouldn't, and neither would he. That was the curse of being a demigod: You were never okay.

WORDS: | OUTFIT | OOC

CODED BY SAPPHIRE

Livia,

There was not a worse feeling in the world than knowing you’ve failed the person you love more than anything. Livia had let Nik get stabbed, the way she had let herself kill her brother. It made her shake with fear. He couldn’t be dead he couldn’t be dead it wasn’t fair. Then Livia felt Nik’s thin arms wrap around her. They were thin, but he was so steady.

Livia reached around him too, leaning her head on his bare chest. She looked up at him, still terrified. ”It was just a dream... Just a dream.” Livia squeezed her arms tightly around Nik. She didn’t feel alone anymore, but it took her several minutes for her breathing to become regular again. Nik’s heartbeat was soothing and Livia listened to it. That and the sound of his breathing filled Livia’s ears until there was nothing left to panic about.

”Every time I close my eyes I see your dead body.” Livia said, wiping a tear from her face. It was scary. Livia didn’t even have to go to sleep. Just closing her eyes was enough to bring back the memory of Nik’s lifeless body. It used to take a lot more to make Liv scared, but now she had dead Nik printed right on the insides of her eyelids. How convenient. Livia shuddered, letting Nik’s body heat warm herself.

His touch felt good, calming. Livia would’ve expected herself to be nervous being near Nik but this was comforting. Livia suddenly didn’t want to go back to sleep. Then the nightmares would come and they were even worse than Nik’s body. Suddenly everyone she loved would die in front of her and it would be her own hand that killed them. Livia released herself from Nik's arms and sat down on Nik's bed, still shivering slightly.

NikolaiWINCHESTER

Nikolai had always known, from the moment he had met Liv, that she was the stronger one of their relationship. He couldn't harm a fly without feeling a mound of guilt being pressed onto his thin, boney structure. But Liv, given the right circumstances, could kill an army of hellhounds in about 15 minutes. It really was a phenomenon to watch, and Nik always just watched in awe as she moved gracefully like water, weapons in her hand, fighting any monsters that stood in her way. Or maybe that was just what it had seemed like to Nik. After all, he didn't remember much of the battle, so it was natural for his brain to make up stuff like that. Liv was also stronger than Nik in the sense that she was braver than he. Nikolai could do anything for Livia or Cas or Sam, even if that meant killing himself, he'd do it in a heartbeat to ensure their safety and survival. And yes, given the chance, he would save random strangers, but he would do it quietly, and would most likely fail. Nik thought Liv was like fire, blazing red and gold, burning down all of her foes in her wake. She could save everybody, doing everything correctly. Nik could barely save himself from dying. As much as he'd hate to admit it, Nik was complete rubbish at being a warrior.

But he was excellent at comforting people in their time of need. In their relationship, Nikolai was the more calm person. If Livia was like fire, then Nik was water, soothing and helpful, finding the right words and phrases to calm a person down. Nikolai enjoyed helping people. In fact, he had already decided to pursue a career in social services when he was older, because he could do what he loved; saving people. But until that time came he was content with saving people here at camp. He wasn't very good at physical wounds, but he was a magician at trauma and deep mental scarring from pasts and presents. Tonight Liv needed his help, now more than ever. Nikolai forgot everything else except for her, and how helpless she looked in the dark.

Everything blended in with the night. Only the moon that shone directly into the window provided lighting, and even that was pale and weak, like Nik. He could faintly see Liv's outline, still slightly shivering with terror of her nightmare. She just laid her head on his chest, her ear pressed to where his heartbeat was. Nikolai didn't mind in the slightest. He loved Livia so much that it hurt more than any wound could, and he wanted to tell her that, but their relationship didn't work that way. It never would. Liv depended on Nik and Nik depended on Liv, that was all. Nikolai continued to stroke her hair, mumbling nonsense, rocking her back and forth, and making sure she was okay.

And then he did something he had never tried before. Singing. Nik didn't know how good his voice was, but he guessed it didn't matter when it came to Liv. At first, he just hummed the melody, and it was full of sharps and flats. He remembered it from his childhood, as his brother was a big nerd at heart. Cas had made Nik watch all Lord of the Rings movies, and this song had stuck with him since he was a little kid. Then, after a while, Nikolai started to sing to Liv. "Home is behind, the world ahead. And there are many paths to tread. Through shadow, to the edge of night. Until the stars are all alight. Mist and shadow. Cloud and shade. All shall fade. All shall fade." And then the song ended and Livia pulled away from Nik, much to his dismay. She seemed better now, she wasn't shaking as much anymore and she hadn't screamed for him.

Nik looked at the digital clock on his bedside table. In bold, flashing red letters it read 1:24 A.M, and he sighed, putting an arm around Liv's shoulders and moving her closer to him. "You should go back to sleep, Livia." Nik said, putting her needs before his. He could stay up forever if Liv required it of him. He could do anything for her, really, or he could die trying.

WORDS: | OUTFIT | The song is called Pippin's Song.

CODED BY SAPPHIRE

Livia,

Nik seemed reluctant to let her go, and Liv was grateful for his warmth. She might have been the fighter - the resilient, but Nik could comfort anyone. He was so gentle, so sweet and Livia didn’t know anyone who could heal wounds the way Nik could. Liv leaned on his shoulder for several minutes, trying to ignore the bandages on his stomach. She was positive that upon seeing Nik injured, she would vomit. The thought of him sick or even worse, dying, was too awful to bare.

What Liv would’ve given to feel worthy of Nik’s love. She was a warrior, a monster really. The more monsters she killed, the more times she hurt herself. It was like daggers into her heart and Livia had no idea how, during that battle, she had not imagined zombies instead of monsters. And now was she going to imagine the body of her family, friends, Nik? Each time she killed a monster, she would be killing a reflection of her friends.

Livia smiled softly as Nik sang. ”You have a nice voice.” She said softly. It was true, Nik was an excellent singer. Or maybe it was just that Liv like him so much that she could only see positive traits in him. Either way, Livia didn’t care. Nik was as perfect as any human (half human for that matter) could be.

Nik pressed his body to her and Livia didn’t pull away. Finally Nik mentioned something about going to sleep. Livia was going to protest, but then she realized she would have to sleep at some point. Letting herself give in, Livia nodded slowly. ”Stay with me?” She asked Nik quietly. Maybe Liv would be able to lull herself to sleep if he was there with her.

Part of Livia wanted Nik to stay with her, and part of her wanted to be the good girl and go back to her cabin. She knew that Quell wouldn’t think much of her not being in bed in the morning, but he would be horrified if he knew that she was spending the night in the same room as Nik. But Livia would not be able to sleep without Nik and so she removed herself from Nik’s arms and lay down on the bed. Liv looked towards Nik, waiting for him to lie next to her.

NikolaiWINCHESTER

Nikolai wasn't perfect. He knew that, ever since he had been a little kid. There had always been odd quirks about him that no one else had, and it made him feel different. Not the good kind of different, where you loved to be divergent from everyone else. All Nik wanted was to be normal, but normal had shunned him from the moment he was born, afraid of befriending a demigod of starvation. Nikolai hated being different, and he had tried oh so very hard to be norma, to be perfect. It was this desire to be flawless that was his downward spiral into depression, and eventually anorexia. Nik hated himself, to be honest. He could find the good in everyone but himself.

So he also, oddly enough, found the good in Livia Malcolm. She wasn't a monster. Nik knew whatever she had done was to protect herself or the ones she loved. It didn't matter what she had done regardless. If it was for the right reasons, you weren't at fault. Nikolai didn't care what Liv had done in the past. It was the present Liv he had fallen for, and he wouldn't have her any other way. He didn't mind the nights like tonight where she ran to him, screaming his name. Nik wasn't mad at all that he would lose an entire nights sleep. He had trouble falling asleep as it is, his mind was still swimming with the ghosts of the battle he had been in. Nik supposed he had PTSD, almost all demigods his age did. He wondered if this would make life even harder for him, and it probably would, because life seemed to take everything out on him. But life had given him Livia, and that made up for everything shitty in his life. Just this one person was enough to make everything okay. Nik didn't know what he would do without Liv, and he didn't want to even think about that.

"I don't, really. I'm not good at anything, Liv. Don't you know that yet?" Nikolai said, wondering how Liv could think that his voice was good. His sister, Sam, had all the musical talents in the family. His brother was the brainiac and on top of that had been a varsity football player his freshmen year, which was highly unheard of and extremely rare. Still, Cas had managed to get straight A's his whole high school career. Nik was nothing compared to his older siblings, and had once hated them for it. But Nikolai just didn't have the will to hate them anymore. They were his family. You couldn't hate your family. Still, Nik felt shadowed underneath his brother and sister. Liv had laid out on the bed after she had asked him a very simple question. Stay with me? Nikolai rolled his eyes at the very thought of that silly question. Of course he would stay with her, through thick and through thin. When times got rough you didn't give up. And when a person you loved was having nightmares about you being dead, well it was just an unspoken rule that you stayed the night with them.

"Of course. I wouldn't dream of leaving you. Not in a million years. I care about you too much to leave you." Nikolai moved to lay down beside her in the twin sized bed. Nik winced in pain as he tried to stand up straight and walk over to the other side. Though his wound may have been mostly healed, his entire abdomen was sore, and every time he moved Nik felt like his entire side was on fire. He couldn't even stand fully upright, it just hurt him too much. So Nik walked over, bent at the waist like a wizened old man on his death day. He hated being weak in front of Liv. He needed to be strong for her, always. Nik felt like he needed to be strong for everybody 24/7. This left little time for himself, but that was fine. When Nikolai was left alone for long periods of time Monster Nik emerged, and that was somebody good Nik truly despised with every atom of his being. He had felt the bad part of him taking control today, because no one had come to visit him in the infirmary. So in a way Livia's nightmare had been a blessing for Nikolai, though he would never admit it.

He laid on the bed beside Liv, giving her more room because she was the one who was meant to be sleeping, not him. Nik would probably have bags and circles under his eyes in the morning, but it was all worth it so that Liv could get a good nights sleep. So while half of his body was hovering in the air, he didn't mind it in the slightest. He pulled the covers up over the both of them, protecting them from the chilly night air that had begun to seep through the open window hours eariler. The room was already cold enough as it was, and Nik didn't want Livia catching a cold. He cared for her so much, it hurt more than the jabbing in his side.

WORDS: | OUTFIT | OOC

CODED BY SAPPHIRE

Livia,

It was funny, almost amusing that Livia’s depression and self loathing had come from basically the opposite place that Nik’s had stemmed from. Livia’s had come from the fact that she couldn’t save everyone - Nik’s had come from the fact that he couldn’t save himself. Of course, in failing to save everyone, Liv had failed to save herself too. And as far as she knew, Nik was the most perfect person in the world.

He deserved someone so much nicer than her, Livia realized quickly. Sweet, kind, caring Nik deserved someone who would treat him better, deserved him more than she did. Still, she had him here and she needed him so much more than she had needed someone in her entire life. There was something so special about Nik, the way his eyes glinted when he smiled and his dislike of sadness. He told her he cared about her before he knew her name - Livia hadn’t known it was true at the time but Nik did care. He cared about everyone without even being asked and he loved her unconditionally.

”That isn’t true at all. You’re good at comforting people.” Livia said sleepily. She heard Nik’s gasps as he walked around the bed. Liv felt a rush of empathy as he hobbled to lie down next to her. Was it possible that Liv loved someone so much that it was painful to see him hurt? Well it must’ve been because Livia could feel her heart pound and her chest hurt. She had always known that Nik had a weaker side - he wasn’t the kind of boy that girls immediately marked as ‘strong.’ But Liv didn’t really mind that. She loved Nik for who he was, not who he wanted to be. He was perfect exactly the way he was.
Livia could not put into words how good it felt to be in Nik’s presence. Even if he wasn’t as close as she would like him to be, it was so comforting to see Nik’s body next to hers. He gave her all the room in the world, but Liv didn’t need all the room in the world. She needed the warmth of his body pressed against her’s.

Which of course, it wasn’t. Nik was on the other side of the bed, but it felt miles away. She couldn’t sleep without Nik to hold her, so it wasn’t helping that he was so far. Without thinking, Liv pulled him closer to her, her arm slung gently over his back. Nik’s skin felt cold and clammy to Liv but it didn’t bother her. She didn’t want to touch Nik’s wound in fear of hurting him, so Liv pressed her face into his chest and curved her body outward into a crescent, again touching Nik with her feet. For some reason this felt so right, as if it were meant to be. Liv had never thought she would end up in this situation - sleeping in the same bed as a boy, as her boyfriend - although Nik wasn’t exactly that, except at this point they were probably dating. Maybe things were just meant to work out that way. Liv didn’t know, and she didn’t really care, because this moment was the most happiness she had experienced in several months, even if she was still shaking slightly from the nightmare.

”I love you Nikolai Winchester. I’ll love you to the end of time and back and through the pits of hell and to heaven’s gate. I’ll always love you.” Weather this was true or not didn’t matter to Liv because in that moment, this was more true than it ever had been before. Livia reached up to gently kiss Nik’s shoulder, because she could not reach any farther without moving and she didn’t really want to move. It was with a sigh that Livia returned to her original position, curled up on Nik's chest and her breathing slowed and became calm and regular. Liv was able to sleep for the first time in several days, snuggled on Nik's chest.

omg the feels are killing me jussayin.
feel free to delete this but oh gods this is perfection

NikolaiWINCHESTER

To Nikolai, everything right then and there, was perfect. He didn't have a care in the world, and he only needed Liv to be complete. The world could be ending, volcano's could be erupting, turning everyone to statues of ash where they stood, but as long as Nik wasn't ever separated from Liv, he knew that in the end it would be okay. When she was near him, his depression lightened considerably, because she needed him. Nik wasn't the strongest person ever, but he could be strong for her. He could be anything that Liv wished of him. Luckily, she just wanted to be himself, though Nik wondered why, because his normal self sucked almost as much as Kronos did. Actually, his real self sucked more than Kronos, but not in the evil way. Nikolai's depression was worse then Liv's, but he never showed it, because he didn't want her to worry about him. He always put on a smile in front of her, even when smiling hurt. He did it to give her hope, that everything was going to be fine in the end.

Nik wouldn't take the compliment from Liv, because it just wasn't true. He scoffed in the darkness. "Comforting people. That's it. Well, that and royally screwing myself up in the end. Now, you, you're good at so many things." He felt Livia's head press against his chest, and her toes on his, like a crescent moon. Nikolai wrapped an arm around her thin form, breathing in her scent. Gods, he loved her so much. If anything bad happened to her, he didn't know if he could cope with the grief. She was the glue that held his shattered and broken soul together. If she left him, the adhesive would dissolve, and there would be no more Nikolai Winchester, only pieces littered on the ground like garbage. This felt so unrealistic to him, as if this was all a dream. He half hoped it was, because Liv wouldn't have had to go through the emotional pain of the nightmare about dying. Any pain Liv had Nik wanted to expel from her. He hated to see her in any kind of torment. If someone caused physical pain to her, Nikolai would punch him or her. Not to defend her honor, because she could do that to herself, but to protect her from further harm.

To make sure this was real and not a hallucination, he pressed his lips to the top of her head, kissing her lightly. Nikolai knew that this felt so right in his mind. His heart beat wildly just thinking about Liv. He was so lucky to have her. Just a year ago, Nik never believed a girl could want him, because of what he was. A freak. He moped around in middle school, because every girl he asked to go to the Winter Formal with him rejected him, even Allison Sue, who was the weirdest girl in the entire school. Nik felt so bad about not being able to get a date he never thought that somebody like Livia would notice him. But she did, and Nikolai would prove it to her for the rest of his demigod life. Then he broke away from his thoughts of loyalty and self sacrifice to hear Liv confess her love for him. Nik loved her too, but he wasn't sure she felt the same way he did until now. He pressed her a little closer to his body, just so he could hug her more. To anyone who walked in, the sight would have been very weird, and out of context, it was. But Nik needed this close proximity between them. All they did was hug, and that was all he needed to feel alright again.

"I love you too, Livia." Nik said softly into her hair, releasing her once again. "I love you more than you can ever know, and I'll spend every single moment that I breathe to prove that to you. I love you. I care about you. I care." Then everything was silent for a moment, as he let his declaration of love sink into her skin, and hers into his. She loved him. Liv loves me. Nikolai wanted to sprint outside with joy and shout that to Olympus, but he refrained from doing so. He felt Livia kiss his shoulder, and then slink back to her original position, her head on his chest. Nik felt her breathing slow as she gently fell back asleep after a horrific nightmare that only happened in the first place because of him. Nik felt solely responsible for what happened to Liv tonight. As she fell asleep for the second time that night, Nikolai played with her hair, stroking it comfortingly and occasionally braiding it. He didn't know how long he stayed up, warding the nightmares from his girlfriend. Yes, that was what she was to him. Nothing else felt right. Dawn had just sprouted from the sky, shooting inky blue lines from the pale heavens when Nik finally fell asleep as well, because he knew for once that Liv would be okay. Blackness came next, and Nikolai Winchester wouldn't have had it any other way.

WORDS: | OUTFIT | OOC

CODED BY SAPPHIRE

Oh yeah I forgot, TOPIC CLOSED DUE TO FEELS OVERLOAD

» everybody's got a dark side || livolai
» Rest now, my warrior || Livolai
» I'm Gonna Give All my Secrets Away || Livolai
» Things we Lost in the Fire || Livolai
» Sitting in the Dark