the opposite of amnesia --- [wicked]

Out of all the elements, fire, air, earth, and water, fire had to have been Simon’s favourite. Fire was life in the most simplest of senses. You need the warmth of flames to keep you from freezing on a cold winter’s night such as this one. You needed fire to cook your meat until it was blackened and rich and salty, because raw meat could make you so terribly sick you would die. Fire could boil impurities out of lake water and make sure it was drinkable. Fire was life, although most people thought of it as death. Simon didn’t see it that way. To him, death was ever present and looming. Not one thing was or represented death because he was always one step in front of you, deciding with what to kill you with. Fire hardly killed anyone unless you were an idiot or a fool. Fire was his main source of heat as a child, because the closest store was a couple hours away, and the blankets that they had at home were threadbare at best. Fire was Simon’s friend, it protected him and taught him and preached lessons to him. Maybe that was why, was he stared at the flickering flames around him, he felt at home and not so frightened by the monster that was beside him.

“Oh, I’m not. Personally I find sirens to be magnificent creatures of vast intelligence and beauty.” Simon said to Naeva, but still looked at the fire. He knew that all these monsters had been specially trained to kill and if they were given a window of opportunity they would take it without a moments hesitation. As it was, the demigod was all stiff and tense with fear of being jumped on. He had tried treating these monsters with kindness and respect, as if they were people too underneath their scaly complexion and warped DNA, but it was hard. Sometimes Simon wanted to just go throw up because of the things he had seen done to these creatures and because of the creatures themselves. He really meant what he said. Demigods, especially those who lived here and worked for Kronos, could be immensely cruel and sadistic, and while the experiments would never know anything of love or happiness or kindness, the boy thought some should be pushed their way. Naeva seemed particularly in need, as Simon had formed an opinion that her life was one of the hardest he had ever seen. He noticed how she clenched and unclenched her hands, and he couldn’t help but wonder what the campers had done to her, but knew that asking would be a one way ticket to the underworld. Instead, he carried on a conversation as if she was human. “I’m Simon, and you probably hate me.”

Naeva’s eyes were like burning coals. Red and hot and glowing underneath a pile of smouldering ash. If they were not so fuelled with hate, Simon would have thought they were pretty, but then he always over romanticised the colour of red. Red, the colour of the english flag for which he stood under and protected. Red, the colour of blood, the colour of the enemies that you must defeat. Red, the glory that you felt when you made your father proud. Simon’s favourite colour was red. His eyes were grey like cinders, already cooled and powdery to the touch. When Naeva’s fire finally went out, her eyes would be like his. Sirens, especially this one, were beautiful. The books hadn’t lied after all, and Simon wondered how many men she had killed under her control. 

“No, you’re absolutely right. I don’t.” Simon nodded in agreement. Naeva had every right to hate him, because even if Simon was just following orders and being a good little solider like he had always dreamed of being, he still hurt lots of monsters which included this hostile siren in front of him. Every monster in camp that was under his control had every right to hate him, and Simon thought that they should. The demigod had never liked liars, and the monsters only lied when it sufficed them and their needs, so he’d rather them spit in his face and tell him how much they despised him and his kind than give him sneers behind his back. “I cannot possibly imagine your pain.” He pitied her so much, like a friend pitying another for not being able to attend a party on account of being sick. But these two, the siren and the demigod, would never be friends. It was not fated in the stars for them to form such a bond. Alliances, maybe, but never friends. “Oh, sit down?” Simon forgot the reasoning for which he came here, to relax and calm his nerves before battle. Talking to Naeva had made him forget to sit down, but he did so. “Thank you.” He said to her, though whether that was for not ripping his face off or allowing him to sit by her he wasn’t sure.

If Simon felt one emotion above all others, it would be remorse. Underneath his shining blonde hair, painted by his mother to look like a golden halo and grey eyes that glinted elegantly with intelligence, Simon was utterly lost, confused, and filled with the deepest sense of remorse.There never came a time that he was sure of himself, though back in England that was all he was. Sure and cocky and positive that what he was doing currently and what he was planning on doing was always going to be the right thing. Because that’s what soldiers are: right. But now? Now Simon Crane wasn’t sure anymore. It was safe to say that the boy he once had been was left back at the farm a century ago, and the boy he was today had trailed after him right as he stepped out the doors of the lotus casino, and the time in-between didn’t matter in the slightest. This new skin that Simon had donned was horribly deceivable, although it itself wasn’t manipulative in any way. While his mind and body commanded monsters and survived in this rugged camp, his soul always protested and asked one single question: Is what I’m doing right?

The obvious answer to Simon was I don’t know. Because honestly he didn’t. Left and right were topsy turvy, right and wrong upside down and twisted, so he knew nothing for certain. All he wanted to do was become a general, and this was the price. Whether it was right was a matter of perspective, and when the time came for Simon to sit in front of the deathly judges at the underworld they would condemn him for his crimes against the demigods that had taken him in. For now, though, Simon was living his dream of being in the army, and if he told himself that he was happy doing what he was doing, then he was. After all, the demigod was so susceptible to lies and dirty truths. Naeva spoke to him again, and the demigod was pleased she hadn’t stalked away. It was only so often he got to talk to creatures like her, and Simon was absolutely infatuated with the entire idea of them. He smiled uneasily back at her, not sure if that was a good or a bad thing that she knew his name. Also, nerves of battle were getting to him, and the boy had developed a nervous jitter. As the siren continued to ask him questions, he squirmed a bit. How was he supposed to answer a question about a person he’d never even met? 

“I wouldn’t know.” Replied Simon smoothly. “Part of me thinks she’d be proud of what we’re doing, creating new monsters and such, and another part of me thinks that she’s up there in Olympus right now getting sick in a pail because we’re harming you so much. I hope she’s doing the latter.” The demigod answered truthfully, shrugging as he did so. Honestly, if he had a son or a daughter who was following in his exact footsteps, Simon would pull them out of camp so hard and so fast that they wouldn’t know what hit them, so if Athena was horribly disappointed in him Simon thought he wouldn’t deserve anything less. “But either way I’ve never met her, and whether she thinks this is right or not does not affect my decisions. My choices are my own.”

Simon Crane rubbed his eyes as the flames turned from singles to doubles, copies of the other. Doppelgänger fire. Judging by the state of the moon and the stars, the boy guessed it was about one in the morning, and he sighed. Soon he’d have to rally up the troops and go raid the other camp. His sister was in that camp. Tessa was older than him, and more snobby and modern than him too. But even if the siblings rarely ever saw eye to eye, and even though Simon hated her for what she had done, she was still his sister and he loved her and wanted her to be safe. Of course, telling her to go hide would raise suspicion, and the last thing he wanted was to get his secret out. This, working for Kronos, was his big secret, and Simon was scared it would get leaked. “Yes, I am. Being a general is very tiring. Aren't you tired?” Simon said to Naeva, fatigue now present in his british occupied voice.

Simon wasn’t about to tell anyone how to live their life. It wasn’t up to them if they strayed off the path of righteousness and goodness, deciding instead to fall into the dark pit of evilness and despair. He’d known plenty of people who had picked him up and dropped him off on the road again, never letting him experience things for himself. The first person to do that, understandably, was his father, and so Simon couldn’t hate Benjamin for it. Benjamin had taught his son the lesson of humility and humbleness, so that he may grow up to be a man of high learning but never gloat about it to the less fortunate people who couldn’t afford proper schooling like he. There were also teachings of kindness to the other children, instead of being a spoiled brat who took away their balls because Simon wanted them so he could play with his chickens. The Crane’s nanny, Emma, often smacked him if Simon did anything wrong, and he didn’t really like her that much. As a little child that was understandable, but as the two got older the demigod never took a liking to her, and often was just rebellious to see what he could get away with. But Emma, despite how much he would deny it, had taught him how to forgive and love, because no matter what Simon did Emma would always treat him with kindness and love and forgiveness, even if he was a rotten little shit. But that wasn’t why Simon didn’t tell anyone how to live their life. It was because of his older sister, Tessa, and what she had done to him. His sister had ruined him, had ruined his chances to finally be something instead of just a lowly old farm boy. Because of her and her ludicrous actions, he preferred to stay out of people’s self-decisions. Which was why he didn’t place any sort of judgement on Naeva. Whatever she did was her own cross to carry, and Simon wasn’t going to make the load more heavy.

It came a surprise to the boy when Naeva questioned him about the new monsters. “Yes.” He replied, hesitantly, leaning foreword and staring into the flames. Obviously Naeva was very sensitive about these topics, as she should be, and Simon really didn’t want to get eaten. Treading carefully was his best bet. “Surely you’ve heard screams at night? I assure you we don’t torture you for fun. It is needed." Of course, that wasn’t exactly true. Simon knew perfectly well that 9 out of 10 demigods that camped here wanted to cause creatures like Naeva torture and pain just because they can or because of revenge reasons. He glimpsed at the siren to see her reaction, and noticed that her eyes changed from red to teal to red again with anger. “Your eyes.” Simon marvelled, fully facing her now. ”They change colour! That is very cool, if I may say so myself." Then he turned away and stared back at the flames. When Naeva brought up intelligence, the son of Athena smiled, not sure if that was an insult or not. Whenever someone talked about how smart he was, Simon couldn’t help but smile and blush a little even if they were making fun of him. ”Thinking for myself is something I take great pride in.”

Honestly the boy didn’t expect what the siren would say to him about sleeping. Most monsters he knew didn’t ever sleep, though whether it was because they simply didn’t require sleep or because the nightmares were so bad Simon didn’t know. He didn’t really want to know. Everyone had stories of death and sorrow, even creatures like Naeva, who had been locked away from the outside world for many years before the boy was born. She might’ve been like Rapunzel, if not for her bleeding hands and heart. ”Oh. I-I see. I don’t get much anyways, maybe a couple hours a night. You’re not really missing anything.”  Simon replied, running his hands through his hair in an effort to stay awake. The downsides to fire was how sleepy it could make you because of its warming properties. Simon felt like he was being wrapped in several blankets and served hot chocolate, like his father wanted him to sleep because Santa was coming, and Santa would skip their house if he didn’t. Naeva probably never felt that, and now she’d never get the chance too.

Simon looked at Naeva again, his ashy eyes now distant and hollow. ”All the time, my dear siren. There is never a night where I have not waken up with nightmares of the things that have been going on in this camp. There is never a night where I don’t question myself and my authority and morals. There is never a night where I don’t regret what I’ve done.” This was all to get his dream job of general, and as long as Simon Crane told himself that, he could continue living like this.