Don't tell me I'm okay -- Nikolai Winchester's journal and photobook

May 3rd,

I'm Nikolai. But you can call me Nik, I don't really care either way. My sister calls me Nik. My brother calls me Nik. Everyone calls me Nik. Except for when I'm naughty, then they use my full name: Nikolai Owen Winchester. I'm rarely naughty, I promise. Sometimes I just don't like how people treat me, or the monster side of me comes out,and I do bad things, that's all.

Do you have a monster inside you? I do. I call him monster Nik. He does the naughty things like smear Sam's lipstick all over her mirror, or poke holes into Cas' footballs. Dad says that I can get into trouble by doing these things, but I tell him; "Daddy, it isn't me. It's monster Nikolai." and then he informs me that I can control Monster Nikolai, and that I better get my act together or I won't get dessert. And then I straighten up because I love dessert.

Wanna see how many years I am? 7! Daddy says that I'm getting to be a big boy.

Don't tell me I'm okay -- Nikolai Winchester's journal and photobook Img-th10

That's me. I think Cas took that on my first day of school. None of the kids like me. I do not know why. I can't read or write as well as the others, and they pick on me. But it isn't my fault. It isn't even monster Nik's fault. Daddy says that my mommy gave me it. He won't tell me anything else. Sometimes I ask Sam and Cas about it, but they just shake their heads and they ask me "Why do you want to know who your mother is?" and I ask them. "Don't you?" And then they shake their heads again.

I have to go. It was nice talking to you. We should do it again sometime.

Nikolai, Age 7

Nik did anyone ever tell you you were really sweet? Because you are. And I care about you okay?

-Liv

P.S. don't leave your journal out in the open because someone's gonna come and read it

October 19th,

Wow, I forgot I even had this thing. Seven year old me did not know how to write a complete thought. I don't think thirteen year old me does either, but it's an adventure I'm willing to try. Yes, hello journal, welcome to the life of Angsty Middle School Nikolai Winchester. Eighth grade, eight months of hell. In the last journal entry I told you how kids bullied me because I couldn't read or write. WELL IT HAS GOTTEN PROGRESSIVELY WORSE OH MY GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA! The bullying, I mean. Not, not the whole reading and writing thing.

So it all started back in August. I'm enclosing a picture of my most recent photo not because I want to, but because it'll help you see what I look like. I hate my looks. I hate everything about me. But here you go anyways, you scrap of paper.

Me at age 13:

Sorry if it's blurry. My sister Sam can't take a picture. I have a thing for wearing fake glasses. Don't, don't judge me please. I get enough of that at school. But yeah, the kids have started to push me into lockers and calling me fat. The whole High School experience but in Middle School. I feel like shit. I hate myself. I still use the whole 'good Nik Monster Nik' thing, and Monster Nik has finally won.

The worst part about being bullied is the whole them-calling-you-fat thing. I'm not even fat. Or maybe I am, I don't know. I probably am. I still have baby fat on my cheeks. The words hurt so much, but I can't stop them from coming, no matter how hard I try. I'm tired of it.

Sam and Cas don't help me. Sam's too busy being popular and Cas is already at the high school. I want to sometimes run up behind Sam and ask for her protection from the bullies. But I know she won't do that. She'd just call me a baby, give me a dirty look, and bounce off her her friends. But no matter what Sam does to me, I'll always love her. I hope she always loves me.

Right now it seems like no one cares about me. No one stops to ask me how I'm doing or if I need help with something. I think no one loves me either. Even the girls point at me in the hallways and giggle and call me 'fat'. It hurts. It hurts so much. Monster Nik is winning. Help.

Nikolai, Age 13 and losing hope.

Liv-

You're lucky thirteen year old me didn't like to write long, extensive paragraphs that took up four thousand pages, or else I couldn't write you this note. Thanks. And I care about you too, you know that right? I care about you. Don't ever forget that.

P.S. Who says I don't want people reading this?

-Nik

I love you, did you know that too?

and also those cute baby pictures will be held against you muahahaha

-Liv

November 22nd,

I can't remember the last time I ate. It's been like a week since I've even looked at food, much less shove it in my mouth and chew and swallow it. It isn't like I want to starve myself, but it's the only way I can please my classmates. I know it seems silly. I shouldn't want to make them like me, but I do. I'm just so sick and tired about no one caring about me. Sometimes it seems like dad works to much and Sam and Cas are embarrassed that I'm their younger brother. It hurts, in ways that you can never understand, because you're only a piece of paper that can't talk back or give me advice. I don't have any pictures to show you. I'm ashamed of myself. They say the name Nikolai means victory of the people. I'm not victorious. I haven't accomplished anything in my stupid life. Well, nothing besides starving myself, but no one seems to care.

The thing is, the kids still make fun of me, even though I'm changing who I am so they'll stop. It isn't working, even though I thought it would. False hopes I guess, thank you Disney for doing that to me. Honestly I didn't actually think they would stop bullying me. They still call me fatass but now they've added fake and desperate to the mix. Sometimes I just want to end it all.

Please don't tell anyone I wrote that. How could you? It's not like you're actually capable of human emotions and thoughts. Or are you? See, no, this is my nerdy side poking out. I get bullied for being a nerd too. I know that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I also know that some kids have it worse than I do as far as bullying goes. But frankly, I don't care. I know that sounds selfish and I guess it is but it's the truth. Thats what everyone wants right, the truth? Well, there it is. I, Nikolai Winchester, motherless and friendless, want to die.

I can't find the will to do anything anymore. The joy of writing is gone. Eating disgusts me, I don't do it. Even sleep has become a burden to me, and I force myself to sleep nowadays. I think I have Anorexia, but I don't care. No one cares, I don't care.

Nikolai, Age 13

Liv-

I love you too.

Ooh, what are you gonna do? I like my baby photos, therefore they cannot be held against me.

-Nik

Nik ~
I now all your secrets muahahaha

Look at you now. All victorious.
We all live up to our names, in the end, I suppose.
At least I have nothing to live up to. Livia doesn't mean anything interesting.
-Liv

December 25th,

Merry Christmas. I hope that everything is going good for you and I want you to know that I really do care if you're down or upset. Well, I would if you were a real person. I've stated before that you're just a piece of paper. I stand by that. You can't be my friend, and even if you were you'd run away from me. Oh, journal, if only you could see me now. Skin and bones. Skin and bones and sadness. That's all that's left of Nikolai Winchester now. And you know what? I'm glad. Good Nik, the one who was always so optimistic and helpful and nice, would have shattered now. There are no places for good people anymore. The world is full of demons and evil, and us humans must just adapt to the temptations that surround us. I've just done that quicker than anybody I know. Journal, you probably wonder why I'm here pouring my thoughts into you as teardrops hit the paper, as my heart fills with sorrow. It's because Sam and Cas and father aren't awake yet. It's like 4 in the morning, and I'm alone. So alone. Frightfully alone. I don't like being alone because then Monster Nik is stronger, and I don't know what to do. I wish I could meet somebody to help me or at least listen.

I know that Christmas is supposed to be a happy time. I'll try to be happy when I go downstairs in the later morning and see my grandparents and aunts and uncles and various other family members. My cousin, Jack, is sleeping on my bed right now. So I guess I'm not really alone, but it feels like I am because he's four and completely useless in understanding what I'm going through. How could I even begin to explain to him? 'Hey, Jack. I starve myself and I'm probably clinically depressed.' I could never do that to a four year old. I, like always, will just put on a happy face. I'll smile, and try and force some light into my dull blue eyes. I've done it before, I'll do it again. The real problem is going to be dinner because there will be more people around, and I have to sit down with them. Usually I just skip dinner or I take it up to my room and feed it to my dog. Oh, Jack is stirring. I have to go and make sure my eyes aren't all red and puffy. Wouldn't want anyone to notice how much I'm hurting inside, would we?

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Hopefully.

Nikolai, Age 13

Liv-

I've done no victories, you're just delirious.

That's the great thing about your name. You can shape your own destiny and make it mean something.

-Nik

» all the ghouls come out too play--- kalina's journal & photobook
» hold your tongue and hear me out -- katarina's journal/photobook
» the life and times of a broken down star-- Ayden Smith's photobook and journal
» Hi to all who dont know me
» stuck in her daydream--- rana's journal