How to Crap a 500 Word Reflection: (with attitude yeah)

We all have those times where we are forced by unreasonable teachers to write a reflection for some mischief done which we all know does absolutely nothing to lessen the probability of a next similar occurrence. Heck, sometimes even the teachers themselves know it.

And since they know it, they attempt to change the point of the punishment from ‘reflecting’ to ‘writing’ instead. How? By setting an outrageous word limit for terribly trivial matters such as, ‘Why I should not empty my classmate’s entire bag onto the floor of the main corridor’ or ‘How I can prevent myself from being late for school’. You probably get these ludicrous reflections because:

1) the teacher is temporarily diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder
2) you guys have a loving Snape-Potter relationship or
3) unluckily for you, someone added an extra zero behind fifty.

Yeah, those can really suck. Either way, its really too bad for you since there’s obviously no way to explain how to be early for school in five hundred words if Old Man Traffic decides to play chess with you that morning. Except for waking three hours early and taking a taxi to school, that is, though you could always attempt describing each step and every one of your charming footprints. I mean, if you’re late, you’re just late, be it your first time or fifth. Its not like anybody particularly wants to be late on purpose. There are better ways to plan a dramatic entrance.

So here I am, providing you with the ultimate instruction sheet a.k.a. template for dolts so that you can get the crapping sincere reflecting done in less than twenty minutes. Especially when you feel that your five hundred word punishment is so irrational for simply backtalking, and you’d dearly love to give your essay-giver a piece of your mind. How better (and ironic) than to ink it into the writing he/she gives you?

Disclaimer: Note that I’ve never actually tried this out under a time limit so I figure its twenty minutes. It could take ten minutes to five hours for all I know depending on your ability to follow/understand instructions and your writing speed. Also note that this is in no way entirely a serious tutorial to gain your teacher’s favour. It is the opposite, in fact, so I am not responsible if you get yourself into more substantial trouble if you don’t write it skillfully or suavely enough. Also, reading this might take some time. But after that, you're set for life.




This is the intro, for you to address the reader and generally waste a few dozen words.
◊ Greet the sardonic freak madam/sir
◊ Introduce yourself. Add in your full name, your class, your register number (if you have one), your rank in class etc. Perhaps all your nicknames and stately titles too, for good measure.
◊ Introduce the topic you’re reflecting; a brief summary of a sentence or two will do. You don’t want to run out of things to say.


Ah yes, the wordy description.
◊ Start by describing the event that got you into this mess. Be specific, be detailed, and feel free to repeat the points in your summary. Don’t leave anything out, because duh you need the words.
◊ Postulate what could have happened. List a few ill results etc. (This is wrong because it could have .....?)
◊ Explain what you should have done. Again, list a few standard/good  outcomes, even if the result is just ‘I would be on time for lessons’.


Now comes the actual reflecting part.
◊ Start by regretting, sympathizing; feel the unease, remorse; be shamed. Basically, whip out your thesaurus and feel off a dozen different synonyms of ‘regret’ and ‘guilt’.
◊ Quote something wise like ‘Actions have consequences’. And then explain how you understand it and show your crapping skills.


So you apologise. Pour out your heartfelt sorries.
◊ Apologise to everyone, and everything that was, is, or might have been affected by your actions.
◊ Try not to add in ‘because of...’; that just reduces the sincerity by pushing the blame to something else.
◊  If you’re feeling snarky enough, apologise to inanimate or non-human objects. They will certainly appreciate it.



The thing about reflections is that you are free to reflect on anything related to the topic/your wrongdoing. They can’t fault you for it. So don’t forget to branch out into various sub topics and feel absolutely free to repeat and repeat and repeat your reflections so they can feel your sincerity.

Expand all the contractions as you would an algebraic equation. Wouldn’t -> would not. Shouldn’t -> should not. For everything, think, how, what, when, why? Under the category ‘What’, ask yourself ‘What happened? What could have happened? Can I elaborate it further? ’ It's a surefire way to increase your word count. And once you’ve got the instinctive hang of it, congratulations. You’ve uncovered the secret on how your parents can nag so long on one teeny, tiny, superficial issue.

Basically, if you take History as a subject and write those accursed essays, you’d know how to PEEL, yes? Apply that and even if you don’t -I don’t take History either ha-, just follow a system of repetition. State your point for atonement (what, how), explain and elaborate (why, how), give some evidence (when, where, what, past, future), then link them all back to your main reflection topic (how, past). It’s by far easy enough even for the most amateur of desperate word grapplers writers.



The main part is the sarcasm. You need to put across the point that you are not a lamb nor a marshmallow and that you aren’t going to write a reflection like you actually mean it. So slip in a few derogatory remarks here and there.

Yet even more important, is tact. You need to put across your sarcastic objections in a respectful way since whoever is reading it has the power to send you right up to the headmaster’s office. Avoid a condescending or patronising manner and write politely in a tone that warrants no suspicion. Or at least, gives little that the teacher can actually point out as impudence and subject you to writing another reflection even if they realise the sarcasm. You have to sound like you’re writing seriously from your heart. Don’t write like you’re joking around, but at the same time you don’t have to sound like yourself. There is in fact, a name for this sort of writing: passive aggressiveness. Yes, it’s harder than you think, but the results are worth it and that's probably why this section of the tutorial is here.

To sound more innocent, try shorter but impactful and useless sentences. For example: ‘I should not have thrown the eraser in the middle of the lesson. It could have hit my friend. It could have hit my classmates or you. It could have hit the fan. I apologise profoundly. It was an extremely foolish and meaningless act.’ or ‘I should not have emptied his bag in the corridor. It may have hurt his feelings. It may also have hurt the feelings of his belongings - his water bottle is particularly sensitive.’ and such. This reduces the sarcasm and derisive edge to your resentful words.

If written correctly, your essay-giver will sop anything up; including the fact that you were trying to hit your friend in the first place. Also, he/she can’t fault you for believing that the water bottle has feelings because it would hurt the feelings of your friend if he/she disregarded the feelings of their water bottle. See the supreme logic? If you are questioned, just make up some cock and bull story about how your friend nicknames and croons to all his dear inanimate objects.

You’ll want to analyse your essay giver too. Don’t be an idiot. If it's the principal or the school discipline master, I suggest you conveniently tape/rub off all the few derogatory remarks here and there. There’s a difference to harmless troublemaking and stupidly seeking unnecessary trouble.

Also, once you hit the five hundred word limit, stop. Just stop there. Its okay if your sentence is unfinished. If you'd like to end off with a nice round number though, erase the last few words and sign off with your name, leaving a perfect five hundred. No sense writing more than that.

Of course, if you want to give your efforts wholeheartedly into obsessing over a sincere reflection on something so silly there’s little anyone can do to help you. I mean, look, if you’re going to agree on writing something so ridiculously useless the least you could do is have some fun with it.



I hope you found this tutorial beneficial^^ If you did get through your essay though, HEY HI-FIVE DUDE *smacks*. My most genuine sympathy if you had to rewrite.

Summer
(also known as your best friend)