Ask ol' Uncle Zelly!

ASK ME ANYTHING.
Except for personal stuff.
That would be weird.

Example Question:

Quote :

Dear Uncle Zelly,

My little toe doesn't like my big toe. What should I do?

Thanks,
Foot-Obsessed in My Living Room

Example Answer:

Quote :

Dear Foot-Obsessed in My Living Room,

Firstly, are you a stalker? If so, please get out of my living room at once. That is really creepy.
The key to your problem is equality. I suggest getting plastic surgery, so your big and little toes are both the same size. If it is not a size-related issue, talk it out with them. Make them talk to eachother, and come to a agreement. Maybe they could have a roster, where the big toe gets the big toenail one day, and little toe gets it the next.

Thanks,
Uncle Zelly

Of course, nothing inappropriate, or personal.

This is the small print. ISN'T IT COOL?! Anyway... Uncle Zelly is not responsible for any emotional damage, or physical damage to you your any of your belongings, or your toes. If anyone steals the idea of 'Ask ol' Uncle Zelly', and posts it on this site, I will not be happy.

Uncle Zelly,

So I totally like this super hawt boy in my grade, but he, like, doesn't notice me. And I'm hawt. I soooo don't get it! I mean, like, seriously! I need some major help, and, like, super fast and quick and stuff.

-Grammar Girl

Allison wrote:

Uncle Zelly,

So I totally like this super hawt boy in my grade, but he, like, doesn't notice me. And I'm hawt. I soooo don't get it! I mean, like, seriously! I need some major help, and, like, super fast and quick and stuff.

-Grammar Girl

Dear Grammar Girl,

You are Grammar Girl, are you not? Yet your spelling skills are abysmal. It is 'Hot', not 'Hawt'.

I believe to get this 'Super Hawt' boy to notice you, you must stand out. So here is a little procedural text for you.

1) Dress up as a Panda. Who doesn't like Panda's?
2) Go to school, but eat and brush your teeth first. Oh, and wash. No one likes a unhygienic person. Especially Lady Hygeia.
3) I believe you are in America, right? So, go to your stereotypical school cafeteria at lunch. Stand on your table, ignoring your stereotypical American school cafeteria food that is stereotypically disgusting. Throw a little dance party. Do all the awesome moves - the shopping trolley, the sprinkler, shuffle, and the Hokey Pokey.
4) Enjoy everyone laughing at you. Don't worry, this will only affect you for the rest of your life.
5) Take your Panda head off.
6) Hope this get's you noticed.
7) Go up to the 'Super Hawt boy. Do something.
OPTIONAL: Propose.

Yours Sincerely,

Zelly

PS: I know I said yours, but you can not keep me.

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I got a friend, I really like, and he asks me to prom, and then a frinend of mine got him dibs. D8

Love,
The Mad One down The Road

Dear Uncle Zelly,

One time, I took a stroll in the park and ran into a llama. This llama because my pet, but recently, it died! I need help coping with the disappearance!

-Llama Lindy

Death wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I got a friend, I really like, and he asks me to prom, and then a frinend of mine got him dibs. D8

Love,
The Mad One down The Road

Dear The Mad One down The Road,

Is a 'Frinend' a Pokémon? Interesting that a Pokémon would be attracted to a human, but okay.

You are the trainer. Trade your 'Frinend' with someone else's fanceh Squirtle, and forget about it. Duh.

Then dibs the guy yourself... No more flirtatious Pokémon!

Yours Sincerely,

Uncle Zelly

Nico wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

One time, I took a stroll in the park and ran into a llama. This llama because my pet, but recently, it died! I need help coping with the disappearance!

-Llama Lindy

Dear Llama Lindy,

If you are a Llama, you should not of had another Llama as a pet anyway.

Please proof-read your letter before sending it to me - 'This llama because my pet' makes no sense.

But, you used the word coping and disappearance. And death. If something died, it won't disappear, silly!
But, to cope with disappearances, do this:

» Welcome to the Magical World of ZELLY! I am ZELLY, but most people call me the ZELLY PROFESSOR, or Z-DAWG.
» Are you a BOY or a GIRL? [BOY][GIRL]
» Haha that didn't really matter. But I'm bored, so hey.
» What would you like to know? [THE QUANTUM THEORY OF THE POTATO][HOW TO COPE WITH DISAPPEARANCES]
» Great! To cope with disappearances, watch Barney and Friends! Or for the safer approach, seek out a COUNSELLOR! They can help you!

Yours Sincerely,

Z-Dawg

Dear Uncle Zelly,
People keep telling me that the voices inside your head don't exist, but if that's true I'm out of a job, what should I do
Sincerely
The voice inside your head

GoldMoonWizard wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,
People keep telling me that the voices inside your head don't exist, but if that's true I'm out of a job, what should I do
Sincerely
The voice inside your head

Dear The voice inside your head,

Here is the proper version of your letter:

GoldMoonWizard wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,
People keep telling me that the voices inside your head don't exist, but, if that's true, I'm out of a job, what should I do?
Sincerely,
The Voice Inside Your Head

Anyway, If you are out of a job, get a new one. Duh.

Yours Sincerely,
Uncle Zelly

Dear Uncle Zelly,

My siblings are getting annoying. And I have no way to get out of the house either. What can I do to be peaceful?

-Headache Bomb.

BlackWolf-03 wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

My siblings are getting annoying. And I have no way to get out of the house either. What can I do to be peaceful?

-Headache Bomb.

Dear Headache Bomb.,

You are a freaking headache bomb. Not a peace bomb. Gawsh.

Yours Sincerely,

Uncle Zelly

Dear Uncle Zelly,

This, how shall I put it, nerd, I guess. I don't want to be rude by calling him that but he is! Well anyway this guys has a crush on me and writes me Anonymous letters. I know it's him 1) cause of his hand righting and 2) he is the only guy in my class who knows how to spell Anonymous. (My class contains 14 kids and four are girls.) It gets annoying and I really don't like him. What should I do to make him... Lay off?

-Nerdy Troubles

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I really like this guy, but he likes another girl. Do you have any ways to impress him? He's my best friend's brother.

-Tangled Love

Kat wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

This, how shall I put it, nerd, I guess. I don't want to be rude by calling him that but he is! Well anyway this guys has a crush on me and writes me Anonymous letters. I know it's him 1) cause of his hand righting and 2) he is the only guy in my class who knows how to spell Anonymous. (My class contains 14 kids and four are girls.) It gets annoying and I really don't like him. What should I do to make him... Lay off?

-Nerdy Troubles

Dear Nerdy Troubles,

I'm sorry for my late reply. My imaginary television show is going swimmingly, and it has been taking a lot of my time.

My answer to you, is simple: Talk to him. Say, "Heeeeey, there, Anonymous. Yeah, I know who you... Just lay off, okay?!" and you'll be good in no time!

Koala wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I really like this guy, but he likes another girl. Do you have any ways to impress him? He's my best friend's brother.

-Tangled Love

Dear Tangled Love,

I'm sorry for my late reply. My imaginary television show is going swimmingly, and it's taking up a lot of my time.

Anyway, have you ever head of the 'Bro Code'? One of the first rules is 'Stay away from someone else's Girl!'. But you aren't a bro. So, even though I'm sure that rule applies to girls, too, I will give you a few tips.

1) Dress up as a Panda and a Sombrero and stand in front of him. Juggle a real Panda along with a bowling ball, a bed, and a tree.
2) Find a public place in your school and sing, 'Single Ladies' by Beyonce. Record it, too. I want to see it.
3) Pay for my Airfares (Air New Zealand ONLY!) and take me to meet him with you. You can impress him by showing him you know me and we are chums!
4) Prove you're worthy. Show you're good at something he loves. Or something he's good at, himself.
5) Create a Parade with huge banners saying, 'Go out with me, [insert name here]!'. Prove you have enough money to support your future kids educations.

That's all for now!

Yours Sincerely,
Uncle Zelly

Dear Uncle Zelly,

The other day, I was taking a stroll in the park. I had my seven foot tall sombrero, my pet ostrich, and I was doing the samba on the way-- you know, a typical day. So I come across a leopard named Leo. He told me that he was lonely and he wanted a home. I took him in, because I didn't want to be rude. But now my moms buggin' out like "OMG Brook! That leopards gonna eat your sister!" and junk like that. But I'm all like "mom, he needs a home". But she was still scared and now she sleeps in the bath tub with my sister and her penguin. What should I do? Give my leopard up or keep him? I need advice!

-Leo the Leopard Lover

Dear Uncle Zelly ;;
I've lost my pokemon black game, and this has made me sad. Not that I don't like Diamond or SoulSilver or anything, it was just it was my speshul game. So, what do you think i should do? Buy a replacement? Get Pokemon White? Or just get a life?

p.s. I also feel really depressed, but that's not a serious problem. The pokemon is way more important that my emotions. Pokemon pwns all.

Sincerely ;; Pixellated Nerd

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I got put in a class that I don't like. The teacher is scary. What do I do?

-Educationally Concerned

Brook <3 Albus wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

The other day, I was taking a stroll in the park. I had my seven foot tall sombrero, my pet ostrich, and I was doing the samba on the way-- you know, a typical day. So I come across a leopard named Leo. He told me that he was lonely and he wanted a home. I took him in, because I didn't want to be rude. But now my moms buggin' out like "OMG Brook! That leopards gonna eat your sister!" and junk like that. But I'm all like "mom, he needs a home". But she was still scared and now she sleeps in the bath tub with my sister and her penguin. What should I do? Give my leopard up or keep him? I need advice!

-Leo the Leopard Lover

Dear Leo,

I am confused. You found a Leopard, yet you are a Leopard. You obviously have problems. Let your Leopard alter-ego go. Become yourself. Love daisies. Make soap.

Yours Sincerely,

Uncle Zelly

Ninja Poet wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly ;;
I've lost my pokemon black game, and this has made me sad. Not that I don't like Diamond or SoulSilver or anything, it was just it was my speshul game. So, what do you think i should do? Buy a replacement? Get Pokemon White? Or just get a life?

p.s. I also feel really depressed, but that's not a serious problem. The pokemon is way more important that my emotions. Pokemon pwns all.

Sincerely ;; Pixellated Nerd

Dear Pixellated Nerd,

This is a tough one. Pokemon does indeed own all, but life can sometimes (though it is hard to believe) come before other stuff. I suggest asking a real, certified, with all the fancy qualifications, qualified person.

Yours Sincerely,

A Very Sad Uncle Zelly

Nico wrote:

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I got put in a class that I don't like. The teacher is scary. What do I do?

-Educationally Concerned

Dear Educationally Concerned,

If your Teacher is scary, the way to get around it is to become scarier than your fear. This will make you afraid of yourself, which is something you can easily get over, and make go away. And it leaves you with a ability to not be scared of your Teacher, as you have been able to get over things scarier than that.

Yours Sincerely,

Uncle Zelly

Uncle Zelly,

Thank you for your advice! It worked! You're a genius!

-Educationally Concerned

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I passed all the Aperture Science Lab tests only to find out that the cake was a lie. I had wasted hours for a false reward. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Thinking With Portals

Dear (Pervy) Uncle Zelly

Why hello there. I'm a pretty talented singer but I don't know how to get a break. I tried everything! Putting a big sign on the school saying my name, throwing fish with my number and demo attached at record producers. I even held people at gun point!!! Please, what can I do?!

Sincerely,
No, I'm Not Loony, Just Talented.

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I was at a picnic yesterday and we [my friends and I] were playing manhunt and I was supposed to be finding people and I accidentally fell down a bottomless pit. I've been falling since yesterday. How should I word my Facebook status about this???

Sincerrely,
I Really Stink At Manhunt

Dear uncle Zelly,
I was just minding my own bussiness, when, BAM
The boy I like told my he liked me.
what should I do?
from,
love-life-lacking.