If there is one thing I was raised on, it was you have to earn respect. You need to be respectful to others to get respect back. So why is it that ever since I (cyber) met Amy that she treats me like this? She pushes my buttons. I used to be bullied at school. Mostly verbal stuff. So I thought I'd be fine at being practically cyber bullied by Amy. But sometimes, she makes me feel so angry and so upset... Sometimes, I used to snap back at her. Once, i got her on the cbox alone. We got talking. I told her that I was sorry for whatever it was that I did. She didn't care. I told her that she didn't even know me. She claimed she did.
HOW THE FLIPPING TABLES OF ITALY DOES SHE KNOW ME?!
I see .org as a shark tank. Or a strange little village with thousands of members. There are the big kahunas. The wanna-be kahunas. Those who don't give a cartwheeling banana. The regular members who don't really care/know what's going on. And the newbs who may or may not learn in time. I view Amy as a wanna-be kahuna. I know this sounds as if I look down at her but... I also see .org as a shark tank. Amy is a shark and I'm bait. The dangling man on a rope being hung up by spies. You get the picture. Survival of the fittest. I always feel like I have something to prove.
That I'm tiny and no one will care if I just stepped in front of a bus tomorrow. (Not planning on that any time soon!)
I don't feel the need here, but over there, I'm barely conscious of what I do. And what I do is big myself up through words. I'm going to college, I love Queen, I have two giant african land snails, etc. You get it. I like that site and I don't want to leave. I honestly don't wanna go. So I won't. I come here when I can't stand them for much longer sometimes. I like the people here better. No one here wants to be a kahuna. Everyone here is mellow. Like... Like their all high (but not really). You're all excitable and you're all amazingly kind. Sure, there are the serious moments... But those aren't often arguments.
When it boils down to Amy, I don't know what to do. She's a cbox mod and I'm a staff member. I remember Kendall basically telling me off for not standing up for myself once. She actually told me that if I have a problem with Amy, kick her. But in the back of my head, something told me not to. Because then... Then, Amy might set her friends on me.
I hate admitting it but I hate letting people down or being in the bad books of others. Perhaps thats why this whole thing with Amy niggles at me. I don't know. I just hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach that appears when I get a PM or a letter or get called into the head of my course's office. Just... I don't like it. I try not to as much as I can. But when it comes to Amy... I get the pit of the stomach thing again. I close my eyes and its just there. I try to be nice to her. I do. I try my best to not throw an insult at her when she tries to press my buttons. And she does press my buttons. I can't help it.
I don't want to, but one day, I am going to have to choose between life and CHB. And I will have to choose life. I just want the time I have to be a kid to be good. CHB is something I enjoy. Its a big part of my life. I shouldn't feel this way about it. And I definately don't want to be scared of by Amy.