Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2]

Guest

This is meant to be fake, and fun. No real life scenarios, that are happening to you, unless they are kind of fake-afied, if you get my drift. Nothing inappropriate, or anything that you yourself wouldn't want to answer. AND DON'T FORGET TO SIGN WITH YOUR NAME. Some people don't do it :[.

Have you ever been stuck with a problem? Don't know what to do? Well, now you can be stuck no more! Just post right here and ask your good old Uncle Zelly, and he'll help you through your problems.

State your problems, right here and right now. I'll get back to you ASAP with my folksy advice.

But Zellwaffles, how can we know you can answer well? Where on earth did you get your genius from?
Well, random person, I come from a long line of cultured New Zealanders. Like, Great Granddad Zellwaffles who knew how to get a great cheap meal - he pulled it off the road! He also knew how to save petrol, by turning the engine off and letting the car roll down the hill.
Or Great Uncle Zellwaffles, who knew how to toughen his kids up - he handed them some rifles, food and clothes and let them fend for themselves in the wilds of Fiordland, New Zealand and find their own ways back. Those two are just two of many examples of my noble lineage, and there are, of course many more fun stories of the Waffle clan.
Both are true stories, so you know you can trust Old Uncle Zelly!

Here are some real examples that are real from real people of people that they actually said of how happy they were with my help!

" Thank you for your advice! It worked! You're a genius! " - Educationally Concerned

" Wow, thanks Uncle Zelly! Now nobody can see my oddly shaped earlobe! " - Lumpy Eared Joe

So, what have you got to lose? Post now!

Uncle Zelly is not to be affiliated with any emotional break downs or permanent damage to you, your property, or anyone else you know. If I create a rift in the time space continuum because of my awesome answers, it's my fault if it benefits humanity, but, if not, it's entirely your fault, like when the Weasley's flying car crashed, and Mr. Weasley was facing an enquiry at work. Geez, that storyline was intense.

Guest

Dear Uncle Zelly~

How can I tell my family about my boyfriend who lives in another country? I really love him and want to stay with him. My friends are like "AW!" and mysister was ok with it. And he ahs told his family and a friend. They seemed okay with it. I've even spoken to his sisters via skype. (It was awkward fo me.)

Any advice? Hints? Tips?

Signed
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:01 pm

DEAR UNCLE ZELLY,

This really isn't a problem, but theres always these perverts staring at me. Like my dog, for example. He's staring at me right now. And I also like this guy who's dating somebody. But that's okay because now my friends can't tell me to ask him out. BUT HOW DO I GET THOSE PERVS TO STOP STARING AT ME. I mean I like the attention but it gets awkward because I lay down on the table and they're like, "whoaaaaaaaaaa." and i'm like, "stfu"

SINCERELY, MY DOG STALKS ME.

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Fri Mar 23, 2012 10:06 pm

Dear Uncle Zelly, how do I teach my dog to mow the lawn?

- Don't Mow

Guest

My Dog Stalks Me wrote:: DEAR UNCLE ZELLY,

This really isn't a problem, but theres always these perverts staring at me. Like my dog, for example. He's staring at me right now. And I also like this guy who's dating somebody. But that's okay because now my friends can't tell me to ask him out. BUT HOW DO I GET THOSE PERVS TO STOP STARING AT ME. I mean I like the attention but it gets awkward because I lay down on the table and they're like, "whoaaaaaaaaaa." and i'm like, "stfu"

SINCERELY, MY DOG STALKS ME.

Dear My Dog Stalks Me,
Have you tried rolling in your own urine? Because I read a book, where this guy had a bleeding leg, and there were like a billion sharks in the water, so he covered the leg with masking tape and pee'd on it. DEN HE DIDN'T GET HIMSELF EATEN.

Through my awesome knowledge, I would say this would either cause the dog to attack you, or follow you more, or leave you alone. Three options. If one of the first two happens, try perfume instead. For the people, the urine would make people stare at you more, but they'd stay away from you.

So, just ask your neighbours for some urine, and roll in it!

Hope it works,
Uncle Zelly

Don't Mow wrote:: Dear Uncle Zelly, how do I teach my dog to mow the lawn?

- Don't Mow

Dear Don't Mow,
If you want your dog to mow the lawn, first you need to by him/her nice enclosed shoes, preferably leather. Because everyone knows that getting feet chopped up is a bad idea. Dogs don't like it either.

Next, find Garfield and make him teach the dog how to dance like Odie, or whatever the dogs name was in Garfield. For step three, find a baby in a pram, and, so the dog can practise pushing the lawn mower, make it practise it's dance moves whilst having it's paws on the pram. I would advise not to do this in a hilly place, to prevent one of those 'Oh my god, the babies falling down the hill! Oh wait, some guy just saved it. Hurrah! Now let's worship him, thus setting in motion a series of events where the bad guy decides to kill him!' scenes.

Now, move him on to the lawn mower, but keep it OFF. Practise turning it. Finally, you're ready to turn it on, and watch as your dog mows the lawn!

- Uncle Zelly

Guest

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! wrote:: Dear Uncle Zelly~

How can I tell my family about my boyfriend who lives in another country? I really love him and want to stay with him. My friends are like "AW!" and mysister was ok with it. And he ahs told his family and a friend. They seemed okay with it. I've even spoken to his sisters via skype. (It was awkward fo me.)

Any advice? Hints? Tips?

Signed
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Dear, HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!,

My advice is to learn how to swim. Every day. And run. FOR NO DISTANCE CAN TEAR LOVE APART. Meet him halfway, right at the borderline, 'cos that's where your gonna wait for him, and you're gonna look out for him all night and day. And bring some doritos, you might get hungry.

Or, just use the internet, but that isn't as dramatic and hopelessly romantic.

- Your Uncle Zelly

Guest

Bump. Feel free to ask some more :]

- Uncle Zelly

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Fri Jul 13, 2012 5:43 pm

Dear Uncle Zelly,

How do I get my monkey to stop ordering pay-per-view movies? It's getting really pricey!

Signed,

Frustrated With Simians!

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Sat Jul 14, 2012 12:54 pm

Dear Uncle Zelly,

I think I'm a werewolf. Seriously, I transform once every month and I go into the woods and eat deer. I don't want to be a werewolf. They smell bad.

~ First Wolf Problems.

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Sun Jul 15, 2012 10:01 am

Dear Uncle Zelly,

Please help me. How cna I write editorial even if I am not in mood? Because seriously, I was always not in mood, and our old editor says: "do not write when your are not in mood." What now?!

Signed,
Not-me

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Sun Jul 15, 2012 10:41 am

Dear Uncle Zelly,
Please help me. I like this guy called Mario (and I have for years now) And liking that guy caused a 4-5 year squabble between me and my best friend called Suzie (The only fight we've ever had) Our friendaversery is coming up and I don't know what to do. I really like Mario and he is one of my best friends too. Somtimes he can be a jerk.
To make matters worse, My other friend, and a close friend of Mario's, called Joe, likes me a lot. Joe hasn't said anything yet, but I know he likes me. I do not like him, but my friends do.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

From,
Lost in the Jungle of Love

**ALL NAMES IN MY STORY ARE MADE UP AND ANY CONNECTION TO ANYONE THE STORY IS REAL> THE NAMES ARE NOT**

Subject: Re: Ask Uncle Zelly! [V2] Sun Jul 15, 2012 5:27 pm

dear uncle zelly

MY BLIZZARD IS MELTING OMFG WHAT DO I DO.

love
omg

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