To try and understand which is the personal hellish nightmare I live in...

My mind feels so heavy with every secret I withhold, every emotion I hold back, every person I ever met and their names and learning so much about them through few conversations or even just by a glance in the middle of whatever class I am in.... My mind works in ways I cannot understand. I study people so seriously that my head hurts and it turns my views into twisted things I cannot imagine saying, even to such trustworthy people on CHB such as whoever is reading this. This site is my savior because I cannot try and judge anyone without ever meeting them, and only talking over this makes m mind feel at ease so thank you to all who read this and to all on CHB.

You all make my mind a easier thing to deal with so I can try and create wonderful memories between us all in our rp's whenever I can.

And yes I know I do not speak in the chatbox but that is because no matter how much I talk anywhere I feel a twinge of shyness and then and if I show up on there everyone is in mid-conversation I hate intruding on anything so I just cant seem to find words to say... unless the occasional hello to whomever see I'm there.

everyone on CHB and Camp Jupiter are the 's and 's of that is my undying imagination and happiness for knowing such awesome people!

I don't know whats possessing me to post on this topic again, but I just feel like everything is going wrong for me. Everything in life socially, privately and on everything I go onto do. School is going horribly and I might fail to graduate unless I pass summer school but I have so much procrastination issues I cant stop myself from diluting my work into pieces of total garbage which in turn turn my grades into a total disaster. Whats wrong with me? I stopped coming on CHB because I was so busy trying to get my school on track and now I am trying to come back on CHB more but I feel like I'm just becoming a loner again and I am losing myself from this site.

I dont want to lose this site to me, it means too much to my mental stability. Yet every day I keep going in my life just makes me want to go deeper into my other 'world' in which I can just be alone away from all the drama, and B.S. of life. why is it that everyday I feel like its the day I want to die and I see all the ways I could die or kill myself in any scenario. I need help I know but I just cant help but vent on here. EVen thoguh I vent on here I doubt many people will read this or evern care at all by what I'm saying because being the unsocial loner I am I just constantly push myself away from everyone when I actually want to be closer so I dont feel like Im dying more and more inside.

I am technically a contradiction in myself, a kid who is unsocial but yearns for being social. A kid who likes life but constantly thinks of ways to end it on a daily basis. I think that I'm just pushing myself into a deeper abyss of works and life that I dont understand and I cant wrap my mind around the fact that the world is going past me and there is no way I can catch up to it so Im stuck in the past of where I dont want to be in the first place.