Guardyans of Fate: Preview

Subject: Guardyans of Fate: Preview Sun Apr 03, 2011 8:51 am

The only thing that could be heard was the buffeting wind through the forest. Elly could be find lying in a tuft of grass not too far from a spear that impaled the ground. Blood poured from Elly's stomach and arms, and she coughed up blood.

Then she heard footsteps, and Kaine knelt beside her, his emerald eyes gleamed in the light of the sun. "Elly, what happened to you!?" he exclaimed. Elly was like a sister to Kaine, and he had known the battle took place in the woods.

Like? Comment please!

Subject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:05 am

Good but I would leave out " Blood poured from Elly's stomach and arms, and she coughed up blood." I'm not one of those people that can't look at blood, but it's just a little to in detail for me.
The rest is very very good. :D :D :D

Subject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:19 pm

It seems good! I'd love to read more.

About the "Blood poured from Elly's stomach and arms, and she coughed up blood." part; I think you need more detail, as opposed to what Artemismoon said. . . Something like, "Rivers of thick, red blood bubbled out of her torn stomach . . ." Don't copy it word for word. By the way, I'm joking . . . Unless, you want to add more detail, of course. :D

Subject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:31 pm

ha ha ha very funny Tethys, very funny :x jkjkjkjk :D

Subject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview Tue Apr 05, 2011 2:37 pm

xD Lol guys.

Subject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:11 pm

XD lol :D :D

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