are you going to age with grace --- [mcsarah]

Everyone had a sob story, one to tell the world and they would pity you because of your misfortunes. Everyone had bad days, days where you didn’t want to leave your room, you just wanted to lay there and think about life and what you did wrong. Everyone pitied themselves at one point or another. Wishing they had cheated on their ACT’s to get into a better college, or putting yourself down because you didn’t get first place in a piano competition. But very rarely did people have all three, and if they did, it was even rarer for those people to experience all three at once. But then again, Archer Thrush had never been a normal person. Since the moment he was born, glory and honor and greatness flowed through his blood. Since the moment he was born, he was destined for heartache. 

There really was only one reason why he was holed up in his room, refusing to speak to anyone and refusing to eat the the tiniest scrap of food. That reason was Tessa. Well, not Tessa specifically, it was more of her relationship with this idiot medic named Jared. Whenever the name was brought up in conversation, the demigod’s blood boiled in rage. He was a jerk. An idiot. A showoff. Archer believed Tessa deserved better, yet he couldn’t get her to see reason. He had been moping ever since he heard the news, and he hadn’t been the same since she rejected him. Today had been particularly bad, as Archer had woken up screaming for his mother and father and sister. Which prompted him, yet again, to build another house out of hundreds of popsicle sticks.

It had taken the legend all day to complete half the house. Tomorrow he would finish the rest. On the third day he’d smash his creation and start again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. That was all he did in days like these. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Not even Landon could get him out of this rut. Only Tessa, with her black hair like shrouding darkness and her eyes like dark jewels, could get Archer to be himself again. He knew that wouldn’t happen. She was off with Jared, probably. He envisioned them kissing, laughing, having fun together and it sickened him. Archer Thrush was a very possessive teenager, getting whatever he wanted. This was torture of the highest degree, knowing that she was off with another camper that wasn’t him. 

But all of a sudden, there was Tessa, and she was wrapped around him like something horrible had happened. After a couple minutes of hugging her closely, he pulled her away so she could see his hands. ‘Tessa? Tess, what’s wrong. What’s happened?’ 

If there was one person in the entire world that Archer knew he loved, it would be Tessa Traverse. She was his universe, once a small nebula of an acquaintance, just rocks and dust in his memories. But then came the falling of the tree, and the worry that was on her face, and Tessa transformed from nebula to sun, blazing and burning bright. She was the thing that Archer thought of in the morning. Not his parents. Not his sister. Not his twin. Not his deafness. Her. Whenever Archer thought of Tessa he smiled like an idiot and blushed, and at night he’d flail his arms in his bed, covering his face with a pillow to keep from giggling. He was so happy when he saw his sun. His world, his universe. 

And yet, his sun was dimming. She had fallen from her high pedestal and was plummeting towards the underworld. Tessa had reconstructed herself once again from blazing sun to supernova, collapsing in within herself. Archer couldn’t let his sun go. He had to have that light in his life, lest he go just like his parents did. As he hugged Tessa, trying to hold her together, not wanting her to fall apart like everything else had, he noticed that the room was getting darker. It was too dark to talk to her through sign language, and so for the extent of the darkness, he decided to whisper. “I promise it’s okay. I promise you’ll be okay, Tess. You’re my best friend, and I’ll make sure you’re okay.” She was more than a best friend to him, but Tessa never returned the feelings. His hearts was still healing from rejection, but that wouldn’t stop Archer from trying. The darkness suffocated him, his heart rate was beating faster. Archer hated unneeded darkness.

When the sunlight returned, he held her at arms length, wiping away her tears with his thumb and grinning, trying to get her to grin too. His beautiful sun. He watched her sign intently, hanging on her every silent word. He signed back when she was done. “No, it’s fine. If you don’t want to talk you don’t want to talk.” The suspense, however, was killing the demigod. What happened between them? Were they friends? Was there a chance they could still get together? Was Tessa ultimately and permanently single? Archer, needless to say, was a little bit relieved. But that relief was soon replaced by anger. How dare that ape touch something so pure as the sun. How dare him, breaking her heart and making her cry. Archer made a silent vow to punch him in the face next time he saw Jared. 

“Movies,” Archer signed, wrapping an arm around Tessa and leading her to his couch. “Sounds great.” He held up a mountain of discs, setting them before her. “I got whatever. Anime. Rom com. Action. Comedy. Drama. Musicals. You pick.” 

One of Archer’s favorite things to do was watch movies. Movies, although maybe not as detailed as books, allowed you to escape your world for a short period of time; lose yourself in the minds of others just as people have done before you. As a child, the boy would come teetering down the steps in his green footie pajamas, a blanket tucked under his arm and a thumb in his mouth, brown hair mussed up like he’d just blow dried it, and demand that he wanted to watch a movie. Little Archer had particularly taken a shine to Fox and the Hound, even if he didn’t understand its dark undertones. Sometimes Landon would join him, and the pair would watch movies until they fell asleep. This tradition, though much had changed about it, was still in play today. For one, Archer didn’t own a single pair of footie pajamas, rather now he slept in drawstring sweatpants and a black V-neck. Another change was that the boy had grown into somewhat of a childish man, so he now realized what the Fox and the Hound really said, so he strayed from it. 

Probably the most notable change was Archer’s permanent deafness. It was a shame that the underlying soundtracks were now lost to him, and that the voices couldn’t reach him. Still, when it came to movies, Archer didn’t care the form in which he had gathered the information. As long as the actors were good looking and the graphics weren’t shitty, the legend had no problem reading along with the subtitles. He was a little dismayed when Tessa pulled out of his grasp. It was the date rejection all over again, and Archer couldn’t help but to feel a little downtrodden. Still, she had just broken up with Jared. Archer probably wouldn’t want to be touched either. However, no matter what happened between them, it still hurt. Rejection. Rejection still hurt. ‘Oh.’ Was really all he could sign. 

‘Grease? Let me see…’ Though he did have rom coms and musicals, Archer himself enjoyed action movies. The high paced action made him sit on the edge of his seat, leaving him begging for more after the two hours were up. He liked especially The Avengers, and took a particular shine to Hawkeye. Why? Because they were both deaf, and they both shot bow and arrows to take down the baddies. But this wasn’t about him and his role models. This was about Tessa and getting her to laugh and smile and forget about that prick Jared. So Archer found Grease. ‘Good news! I have Grease. Bad news! Grease is not The Avengers.’ He signed, a smile on his face as he put it in.

The couch itself wasn’t that big. It was more of a love seat, really. That was really ironic. But Archer came and sat as far away as possible because he knew Tessa probably didn’t want to be touched. While he understood - and respected - her decision, the big couldn’t help to be a little miffed. He wasn’t going to do anything to her but provide comfort. As the movie started, he signed. ‘One of the good things about me being deaf is that I won’t constantly talk during the movies.’ Oops. Morbid. But it was true.

Archer used to really like musicals. Well, just any music in general, but mostly musicals. He dreamed of being a performer in broadway, where all the lights shined upon you and all the glory and the fame of the stage was yours for the taking, where you knew your place among the actors and the props. Everything was easier in musicals, there was a set beginning and end, and just when you thought the main character’s perils were all for nothing, that he was going to give into the darker forces at work and just let all of his hard work be worthless, he pulled through and made everything alright again. It was that type of hero that inspired Archer. He wanted to be that hero. He wanted to be that savior. He wan’t to be that light in an otherwise dark and dreary world. And while he was far from achieving that goal, he could be all of those things for Tessa. Archer could be the one to save her, even if she didn’t want to be saved. He’d protect her, and love her, and shield her from all the dangers of the outside world. There were so many. 

Now that the world had been blasted silent around him, musicals had lost their charm and appeal. It was now apparent to Archer that he’d never be able to be on the shining lights of broadway. He’d never be able to sing in a choir. He’d never be able to achieve his dreams. That crushed him. It felt like he wasn’t just failing himself, but also his parents. Olivia and Spencer Thrush had always pushed their children to do whatever they wanted. They fueled dreams, pushed ambitions. And now that Archer was deaf and unable to reach his goals, he thought his parents were frowning at him. In turn, he frowned at the screen, despite knowing what was going on. 

Archer didn’t look over when he saw Tessa signing to him because he got the gist of what she was trying to saw. But he shook his head. “Tess, it’s your night. You’re the one who’s hurting. Not me.” Though that wasn’t exactly true. Archer was hurting. He hurt for his best friend and for his lost dreams, which was making his heart hurt. “If you don’t want to watch Avengers we don’t have to.” 

“Well, what do you want to talk about?” After that, Archer didn’t sign anything. Literally he was sitting in silence. He watched the screen, his blue eyes like frosted glass. Admittedly, he’d never seen Grease. Despite being a musical loving nerd, he never found the fakeness of the 60’s to be entertaining. His favorite musical he’d ever seen - screen or stage - was Pippin. He wanted to be Pippin. Hell, he felt like Pippin. Lost and alone and frustrated. But maybe with Tessa, he didn’t have to be. 

Archer did not particularly enjoy people who pitied themselves. He’d lived a long life so far, a hard life. He rarely pitied himself for what happened. Sure, he was depressed and upset and hurt over what happened. Sure, he spent days locked up in his room building popsicle stick houses. Sure, he looked so tired and done with life. But never once had Archer Thrush pitied himself. The events that happened all those years ago had made him who he was today. Without the explosions and the deaths, he never would have gone deaf or gone to camp until he did, which probably would mean that the chance encounter between him and Tessa never would have happened, and then the tree never would have fallen, and then they never would have bonded in the hospital, and Tessa and Jared never would have dated and broken up, and Archer wouldn’t be where he was today with her. So really, for this night to happen, Archer’s parents and sister had to die. For the greater good.

He wasn’t entirely sure if Tessa was pitying herself right now or not. She might’ve been, but Archer didn’t want to make her feel like he was barging into her thoughts. Really all he wanted was for her to be okay. “What’re you sorry about?” He signed, curiously watching her face. Tessa had this simplistic beauty about her, Archer decided. She wasn’t like the sun, blazing and regal. Royalty didn’t suit her. No, to Archer, Tessa was like a pearl. Iridescent and majestic and rare, built to outlast even the strongest of men. She didn’t need to be the most beautiful woman on the face of the earth for Archer to like her. To him, Tessa was perfect just the way she was. “Are you sorry about Jared? Look, you’re right. He’s an idiot. An asshole. A jerk.” His words were getting harsh, but then he sighed. “Though, I guess if he made you happy at one point in time… I guess he wasn’t a complete waste of time…” 

For a while the two sat in silence again, though for Archer nothing ever changed. Sometimes he wished he could just make everyone else deaf so they knew the slow, torturous pain he had to go through on a day to day basis. Everyone said that they could relate one way or another, but they really couldn’t. Not to Archer. That was one of the reason why he liked Tessa so much. She didn’t try and make it seem like her life was harder than his. They kept their problems separate. After a couple minutes though, Archer just couldn’t keep his hands still. “Did you know I used to have a dog? Sorry… That’s random, I don’t know why I just said it."

Being deaf was a curse. Being deaf meant that Archer couldn’t do the one thing he loved most. Sing. The boy had always been talented in many areas, and he was known to everyone as the golden boy. And golden he was. He shone brightly like his grandfather, only tarnished by his deafness. Sure, the legend still had his brain and his love for shooting arrows, but it didn’t spark ambition to become the best. It was all because of him, and his ignorance towards what his parents were trying to do. The worst thing was was that Archer still didn’t know what they had been up too, and that left a massive hole in his heart. His parents and sister, as far as Archer Thrush was concerned, had died in vain because he had failed to uncover the truth. And he couldn’t forget his failure either, not while he was deaf to the world. Music should’ve been an escape for the demigod, but the sweet notes and lyrics had been forever lost to him like the ruins of an ancient city. 

He wondered what Tessa’s escape was. Unlike him, there was a whole world of opportunities shining down upon her like a Utopia. Archer? Archer was frowned upon because of a disability he never even asked for. “Tessa, you should’ve told me sooner.” The flare of protectiveness was shooting up his spine again, igniting fury in his bones towards Jared. Jared, the person who’d shattered his beloved’s heart. Jared, who wasn’t even that good of a medic. Archer wasn’t experienced in the ways of medical science, yet was sure he could save ten more lives in a day than that shit medic ever could. “It’s okay to lie to yourself. I lie to myself everyday.” Archer tried not to lie to others, but he had no problem lying to himself. 

And then they touched. Tessa had laid her head on Archer’s shoulder, and all he could think about was not messing this up. This might be the only time this happened. This might be the only time that a hot girl trusted him and touched him in this way and Archer was freaking out. His heart rate accelerated, and he had trouble focusing on the subtitles of the movie. “Um… I got to name it, and I named him train-tracks because I was really into engineering. We called him tracks, though.” Tracks had died a couple of months before the explosion, so he didn’t ever suffer. Archer was secretly glad he was there petting his dog as he was put down. It was sad, but it was better than watching Tracks burn alive.

Sometimes, on nights like these, when the demigod was feeling especially lonely and it was cold outside, he’d make himself a cup of hot chocolate. The drink, warm and soothing, would scald his throat and burn his tongue, and that’s how Archer knew he was alive, and not a dead corpse walking around camp, taking the identity of a boy with coarse brown hair and dull blue eyes. The hot chocolate was like a rope that led him by bound wrists day to day. Of course, with Tessa there, he wasn’t as lonely, but Archer felt dead inside. He didn’t know why, because being around Tessa usually made him happy. But maybe it was because of the popsicle house that sat in shadows in the corner of his eye. Maybe it was the movie that was like a silent film to him, and it made Archer realize just how much of a disadvantage he was at. Or maybe it was Tessa herself. At any rate, the legend got up, going under his bed and coming out with a steaming thermos. Being a grandson of Athena, Archer was very innovative, and found a way to keep a warm bottle of hot chocolate in his room at all times. He took a sip, feeling the brown liquid completely burn his lips and tongue, and he felt better. 

“Well you should’ve. What do you think I would have done to you, Tessa? Judged you? No. I mean, your taste in men could be improved, but that’s only a minor flaw. I would’ve helped you like any friend would’ve.” Like any good boyfriend would’ve. Archer knew never to think of Tessa in a couple sort of way. He knew they’d never work out because Tessa didn’t want them to. But he couldn’t help it when he looked at her in this sort of light. Vulnerable. Broken. Crushed. A dying star among striving ones. Archer would never have treated her so poorly. A creature of her stature was made of china and glass, and Jared was the dragon that crushed her. Archer was the knight that would put his queen back together, even if he got no reward in return. It hurt, but it was his duty.

When Tracks was brought up again, Archer couldn’t help but smile a little bit. He took another drink of the hot chocolate. “Yeah, he was really cute.” But not as cute as you. “He was kind of small, and his fur was white with two black stripes going down his back. We had to put him down a couple months before the fire, and I was with him.” Archer takes another sip of the hot chocolate, letting it sit in his mouth as it burned his cheeks.He didn’t swallow it as he signed to Tessa. “See, that’s where we branch off. You think it can’t, but I know it will.”  He finally swallowed the hot chocolate, feeling it burn his throat. It was a good kind of pain, making him feel alive. 

sunsets reminded archer of the explosion. of the fire. of his families deaths. the red scars that flew across the dusty blueish purple were the flames that engulfed his house, the black at the bottom the ashes and the emptiness his heart had felt after all was said and done. that was why archer hated sunsets, and it was also why nighttime was his favorite time, because it related with the legend so much more than the daytime. daytime, with all its opportunities and joys, didn’t know the struggle that the demigod had been going through. the night did. archer had always tried to be an opportunist, to take life by the reins and carve a mountain for yourself, to do the very best he could do, but for some reason, his thrill for life was slowly draining away from him, like a sponge that was losing water. he didn’t know the reason for it. archer set the thermos on the floor, finding that it didn’t help him after all. he remembered suddenly that he hadn’t offered tessa any. “i have hot chocolate if you want some. it’s in the thermos, i’m not sick.” he signed, turning his attention back to the movie. truthfully archer hadn’t been paying attention, so he couldn’t say wether he liked the movie or not, but it was tessa’s night. her night to grieve, her night to cry, her night to remember her regrets. archer was just a spectator in the whole ordeal, and he didn’t matter. 

“if i think something’s wrong with you, can i come to you about it? can i ask you if i can help you?”  he asked, coming up with a solution that he thought would work. archer wondered what tessa sounded like, if her voice was like bells in the wind, tingling with sweetness and kind words, or if it was like rough steel, coarse and grainy. but archer supposed it didn’t matter either way, he still would have loved tessa all the same. voices tended to be low on archer’s list in women. he wondered what she sounded like now, if she was angry at him or sad about asshole medic jared. archer lightly touched her hand, speaking instead of signing. “i just want you to be okay, tess. i don’t mean to be harsh, but i couldn’t bare it if you were broken like i am.” 

The haziness of the film that the sixties were known for was very relatable to archer right now. he didn’t understand what tessa was feeling, just like he couldn’t make out exactly what brand name the car was on the screen. archer was usually very charismatic, but he had lost it the second tessa came to his door. it was different when guys broke up, they didn’t cry, they didn’t say philosophical things that had a deeper meaning to it than one might expect. they played a game of air hockey and the girl was forgotten. but it was different for archer this time. he cared about most people, but tessa had stolen his heart. still, her words internally hurt him. of course things were permanent. his families deaths were permanent. his deafness was permanent. his love for tessa, in all its shapes and forms, was permanent. “life’s too short for things like breakups to be permanent.” archer finally agreed with her after a long while of silence, feeling like he’d done something wrong. 

in the long run, it was probably a good thing that tessa and jared had broken up tonight. archer had a tendency to remember at nighttimes, when the shadows of the dead crept upon him, memories sinking into his skin. he didn’t want to remember the flames, the heat, the screams of his sister growing fainter and fainter. no one, not even tessa, knew that the last thing archer had heard was the pleading shrieks of his baby sister as she was burned alive. it still haunted him to this day, and archer barely got any sleep. the legend had become an insomniac over the years, and though all the doctors said that it would go away in a few weeks, it hadn’t. for archer, being awake was a blessing and sleeping was a curse. sleeping just ended up with him screaming his broken heart out, sitting up and opening his eyes, tears still caught in the crushed blue orbs. tessa was a welcome distraction. her hand was soft and warm in his, and archer ran his thumb over her skin. the demigod wondered what it would be like to kiss her, to see if her lips were softer than her hands. archer smiled a little at the cootie remark. “yeah, i hear there’s an epidemic among boys. you better watch out, tess.” archer preferred tess to tessa, he soon found. 

the window was open by the demigod’s bed, blowing cold air in. ever since the explosion, archer always felt unnecessarily hot, as if he’d become part of the fire itself. right now he was wearing a faded red tank top and brown shorts, and still he felt as if he was burning. he needed to take his mind off of the fire, this wasn’t the time to pity himself. this wasn’t the time to compare himself to tessa. this wasn’t the time to blame her for her sins. after all, to err is to human. “i’m sorry… i know it’s not your fault you guys didn’t work out.” archer let out a sigh, scratching his arm. “some things just aren’t meant to be, tessa.” the legend looked at his legs, noticing how hairy they were, how discolored they were with the faded burn marks that would never truly disappear. then he looked at tessa’s, and to archer they looked smooth and perfect, like buttercream frosting. perfect, just like tessa was. archer didn’t argue with her, but he didn’t agree either. he was broken, and there was no fixing him.

“yeah… i-i know.” archer didn’t really know how to respond to her. she knew of his past, how delicate the subject was for him. or, at least, he hoped she did. “it’s whatever, though. it’s not like anything can bring them back.” he looked at his desk and at his unfinished popsicle stick house. archer wondered what his next failed plan of action was going to be to save his family. archer rubbed his eyes, blinking hard. he took the thermos and took a drink, wishing it was hotter.

archer normally felt agitated. under his calm. cool exterior, he was a mess. he had so many messed up problems, nightmares that would make a grown man question his own sanity. yet archer stayed completely calm on the outside. he knew that there was no point in making his friends worry. even in high school, when things weren’t nearly as bad, archer always had a happy smile on his face, even if it was fake. at school, the legend was a perfect little boy; with a dashing smile and a great mind. everyone knew he was destined for greatness. archer always told his friends that they could come to him no matter the problems they were having, but archer never extended that welcome to himself. it was only after the explosion, after the deaths and after he’d lost his hearing, that archer decided he’d open up and tell people about his problems. only, here at camp, no one cared. everyone had their own sob story; being a demigod wasn’t an easy - or even ideal - life. but that was what archer liked about tessa. she showed sympathy for his problems.

that was why, after a few minutes of being with her, archer had started to calm down. “no, of course not. you only get cooties if you kiss a boy. at least, that’s what the word on the street is.” the demigod smiled a little, biting his lip. he loved the aura tessa gave off, and she smelled nice too. she smelled of vanilla and lavender, and archer wanted nothing more than to curl up into her side and breath in her scent. but he refrained, and although he wanted more than just hand touching, he didn’t want tessa to be angry at him. Archer watched as the credits rolled across the screen, and he wondered if there was any background music to them, and if there was, if it was happy. if archer could ever have the chance to hear again, all he would listen to would be happy songs, starting with grease. 

“so… avengers, right?” archer signed as he got up and kneeled in front of the tv, taking out the disc and laying it carefully in the case. he put in avengers and came and sat down by tessa, tucking his legs underneath him and taking tessera’s hand in his again. he was much more interested in this movie, losing himself in all the cgi and explosions. once he saw hawkeye on the screen, archer smiled. the superhero was his role model even more he went deaf. clint barton was just so awesome and amazing. archer was so involved in the movie that he didn’t notice the flowers until a crown of daises was placed on his head. he looked at tessa and saw her blush, which made him blush as well. 

“it’s perfect.” archer said, the biggest grin on his face as he looked at her. “thank you, tess."

in his own mind, archer had never thought himself as anything but normal. sure, his background and lineage weren’t so ordinary, but he was. he could always run with the neighbour boys and play soccer with them. he could read and write just as well as any kid his age. he could build model ships with his friends and take apart toy trains to see what made them tick. there was never a doubt in his mind that he was anything but normal. so, if archer was normal, why did all the bad things happen to him? why did his family have to die? why did he have to be a demigod? why was he plagued with deafness? this wasn’t what normal boys were. normal boys his age got prepared for act’s and sat’s. normal boys his age got their girlfriends pregnant. normal boys his age made the honour roll. and archer? archer had accomplished nothing but crushed popsicle sticks and a single friend. this friend, though, had turned out to be the best thing ever, because archer found solace in her. she treated him like a prince, though he was anything but. tessa’s sly remark had earned her a small, though honest, smile from the boy. “that’s good. i hear street boys are filthy anyways. you’re much better off kissing a friend than a stranger.” 

when loki had taken control of hawkeye’s mind, archer couldn’t help but feel anger and sadness. he had seen this movie about a million times. he knew all the lines. he knew what was going to explode when. he could even reenact some of the fight scenes. yet these two minutes always came as a shock to him. every time he watched it, archer thought that hawkeye would find a way out. he’d fight back. he’d run to nat and together they’d destroy loki without the help of anyone else. his hero could never succumb to such a trivial man such as loki. but it had happened. the light had drained from clint barton’s eyes, and he was a slave to the adopted son of odin. archer tensed his jaw up a bit, angry that clint hadn’t fought back. weren’t heroes supposed to? weren’t they supposed to kick ass and take names until their dying breath? to archer, they were.

he cooled down when tessa put the flower crown on his head. at first, archer was a little taken aback when the flowers started growing out of his floorboards, wondering what tessa had been thinking about to have caused that. but then, he supposed, he shouldn’t ask. as a person with more than one ruined relationship under his belt, archer knew not to force the person to talk if they didn’t want to, and to under no circumstances, bring up their ex. of course, their previous conversation had caught the demigod red handed. he’d brought up jared. he’d also probably made tessa feel like shit. archer swallowed a lump in his throat as he motioned to the flowers, signing. “did i… did i cause this?"