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 why can't i breathe||open

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anna.
Honorary Staff Member
anna.


Posts : 1022
Join date : 2011-03-12
Age : 24
Location : see you in austin, assholes

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PostSubject: why can't i breathe||open   why can't i breathe||open I_icon_minitimeThu Feb 06, 2014 10:05 pm

HOLD ME FAST
Cause I'm a Hopeless Wanderer
My name is Iris Eileen West.
I am seventeen years old.
I am alive.
But I feel like I am on fire.

I can't think. I can't speak. I can't move. I don't remember how I got to the forest. I'm just here now. I'm still in my pajamas. My hair is a bird's nest. I don't care though. How is one supposed to care about what you're dressed in? Better question, how does someone function normally? I've kind of forgotten.
Everyday is like this. I get up, I wander off to some lonely place on camp without realizing it, and somehow I make it back to the Hermes cabin before curfew. I don't go to dinner all that much anymore. When I do, Anna and Kat usually give me glares and mouth EAT. I don't want to eat though. I don't want to be in a loud, crowded mess hall with all of those happy people. They all hide behind a smile, trying to forget how many people died during the battle last month. I haven't forgotten though. I went to every funeral. Forty-two kids in total. They were burned and mourned. Chiron wrote letters to their families giving his sincerest apologies. Why the hell are we sending letters to parents telling them that their most precious things in the world have gone?
I stumble up to a tree and slide down. There's a small branch protruding out of it, pressing into my back. I don't mind it. I've had worse pain over the last month.
Colin Bane had died during the New Years Battle. Just another casualty, just another name on the endless list of children who were no longer breathing. He was about to kill himself. I hadn't seen that part, only heard it from Anna. What came next initiated a war of emotions inside of me. Hatred and empathy. Loathing and understanding. Kat, in attempts to save Colin's life from a hell-hound, threw her daggers at the beast. Only, she missed, striking Colin instead. I'd leaned over him, holding his hand while he slowly died. I told him a story while I watched the light drain from his eyes.
Much like Colin drew marks on his arms counting the number of days he'd not seen his family members, I'd drawn marks of my own. It had been 38 days since Colin had passed away. The black lines were small on her wrist.
She thought of the stiff expression on Colin's face.
Just a goodbye wasn't enough. How could it ever be enough? Despite their attempts to talk to me, I have avoided Kat and Anna lately. Just being around them makes me start shaking. I've been shaking a lot lately. I have these bursts of panic where my entire body refuses to stay still and I trembling so much that I can't function. Then I start crying. The crying is never nice. I've tried hiding it, but pain demands to be felt.
My reclusive behavior is a result of my attacks. I don't want people to worry about me. I don't want them to come up and ask if I'm okay. I don't want them to try to sympathize with me when they will never be able to understand.
I'm shaking now. I look down at my fingers. They're trembling like I'm enraged. I'm enraged, yes, but not like I normally am. I'm enraged that Hades decided then and there that he would snatch one of the only people I care about from me. When I was younger, before I knew about the gods, and I was being scrutinized for being an Atheist, I came up with a thought. If God is real, why does he do all this messed up shit to his followers?
CODED BY SAPPHIRE
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libby

libby


Posts : 1583
Join date : 2010-11-23
Age : 26
Location : Right there... No, there... No, just right there... NO! RIGHT THERE!!!!! must I do everything myself?

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PostSubject: Re: why can't i breathe||open   why can't i breathe||open I_icon_minitimeThu Feb 06, 2014 11:28 pm

THEO DAVIS - SON OF DIONYSUS
One night, and one more time
thanks for the
memories
EVEN THOUGH THEY WEREN'T SO GOOD


"Out the back door, goddamn but I love her any ways" came blasting from Theo's ear buds. It was loud enough that anyone around him could here. The son of Dionysus lied in his bunk staring at the ceiling, burying everything he felt. It was an invasion, and forty-two people were killed. Basic math said that one of those kids had to be his brother. It just didn't seem fair. Theo may not have known his half brother much, but he cared about him. The last time someone close to Theo passed away, it sent him into a state of insanity that took him almost a year to get out of. Now this? It was too much to handle. It made him miss the days that he couldn't think straight. He never had to worry. There were no times of sadness. Every day was the new best day ever. It was a permanent high. Now the closest thing he could come to it was to bury himself in a music player he wasn't supposed to have.

The twelfth cabin was the quietest it had ever been. That made the need to blast music unnecessary, but it helped somehow. Theo had only a few moments of nothing but his music. The door opened, and one of his siblings stepped in, sat down on a bunk, and began to sob so loudly that even Theo heard it through his music. He would've turned it up louder, but he didn't want to damage his headphones. He couldn't listen to the embodiment of sadness though. It made him feel more emotions. He was not going to go off crying like everyone else. The cabin needed at least one person who could keep it together. If that was going to be Theo he needed to leave. He walked towards their own personal armory and drew his sword from it's position on the wall, and exited the building, not even bothering to stop the door from slamming behind him.  

He wasn't far out the door (music still blaring) when he heard a Demeter girl screaming in anguish.  He looked at her yelling on her hands and knees, tears flying down her face. People were still finding out their loved ones were dead. Theo wanted so desperately to go and help her. Help build her back to what she was, and what she could be, but as he approached he felt his heart in his throat, and tears stung his eyes. He couldn't manage to take a step closer. Not without breaking down himself. Instead he looked to somewhere he knew he could be alone. He started walking with slow movements towards the woods. He had very little control over what he was doing. He was basically a zombie. Then his steps quickened. One foot after the other, increasing speed constantly. It wasn't long before he had sprinted his way to the forest. He slowed down only enough that he would be able to dodge the trees.

He just ran until he couldn't. It wasn't until he tripped, sending him sprawling into a tree that he even slowed down and looked. It was only about a quarter of a mile walk in a random direction that he found someone. He stared at the girl in front of him. Her hair resembled Heather so much that it hurt. He had to focus on something else. He focused on her nose. He nose was different from Heathers. It may be weird that he remembered that, but her face was stuck in his mind. Then he saw movement farther down. It was her hands. They shook violently. It was like she was furious. But her eyes spoke of sorrow. It was an indescribable look in someone's eyes that required someone who could truly relate. Theo wanted to run again. Go somewhere that no one was sad, but he was in the most remote place he knew. He couldn't leave.  So he stayed.  

He removed the ear buds and placed them in his pocket. The volume was turned down almost immediately after.  He approached slowly, but still tried to look as natural as possible.  He was almost on top of her at this point. He could feel the emotion radiating off her. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that she was going to be unpredictable, and sensitive to everything. The son of Dionysus knew that rather well.  He thought about placing a hand on hers, or a hand on her knee, or anything that showed her he actually was there, but instead he walked around the tree and sat down on the other side. If it weren't for the tree they'd be sitting back to back.
"You don't know me. My name's Theo." He said. He could already feel himself fighting the tears. He swallowed hard trying to keep it together himself. "I... I need you to know that... Just... I'm sorry for whatever happened. I am. And I'm here for you if no one else is. If you need to vent, I swear on the river Styx that I won't tell anyone a word that you've said. You can trust me.


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anna.
Honorary Staff Member
anna.


Posts : 1022
Join date : 2011-03-12
Age : 24
Location : see you in austin, assholes

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PostSubject: Re: why can't i breathe||open   why can't i breathe||open I_icon_minitimeSat Feb 22, 2014 11:55 pm

HOLD ME FAST
Cause I'm a Hopeless Wanderer
I was never one to vent. My entire life I had concealed my emotions underneath a very convincing smile. I didn't want someone know my feelings. I didn't want my anxiety to become a conversation piece between people who would pity me. So, much like the campers in the mess hall every night, I laughed and smiled and pretended like nothing was wrong. It had worked pretty well, up until now of course.
The boy looks familiar. Everyone at camp is that to me, just familiar. My anti-social behavior is probably the cause of my lack of friends. I thought Kat and Anna had been enough, and I'm confident that they are.
I shrink even more. I'm nearly in a ball now. I just stare a Theo, not knowing what to say to him. I'm scared to speak for the first time. I doubt I can trust him. Tons of people have seemed trustworthy to me over the years, but when I tell them how I really am, they inch away and pat me on the head, like I'm covered in slime.
"I saw one of the only people I care about die."
CODED BY SAPPHIRE
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libby

libby


Posts : 1583
Join date : 2010-11-23
Age : 26
Location : Right there... No, there... No, just right there... NO! RIGHT THERE!!!!! must I do everything myself?

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PostSubject: Re: why can't i breathe||open   why can't i breathe||open I_icon_minitimeSun Mar 02, 2014 11:42 pm

THEO DAVIS - SON OF DIONYSUS
One night, and one more time
thanks for the
memories
EVEN THOUGH THEY WEREN'T SO GOOD

Theo stared back at the girl. It was unlike him to offer to help people. Right now he needed someone else's problem to distract him from his own. He had a brother die. If anything, he could relate right now. He watched the girl, mimicking her body position. It was comforting. Something Theo needed. She spoke more than her words did. Everything about her was broken. It wasn't like anyone in camp to run off to cry in the forest. They were taught to focus emotions towards combat. The fact that they were both running away to express emotions, said something about them. Something like, they were different. " 'It is better to have loved, and lost, than to never have loved at all.' Alfred Lord Tennyson from In Memoriam " Theo never looked like the reading type, and honestly he wasn't. He just spouted quotes quite frequently. Sometimes it was easier to use someone else's words instead of your own. It was less personal. It made you less vulnerable. Even if it was exactly what you were wanting to say, it affected you less when it wasn't coming from your mind.


coded by sapphire
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anna.
Honorary Staff Member
anna.


Posts : 1022
Join date : 2011-03-12
Age : 24
Location : see you in austin, assholes

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PostSubject: Re: why can't i breathe||open   why can't i breathe||open I_icon_minitimeFri Mar 28, 2014 9:53 pm

HOLD ME FAST
Cause I'm a Hopeless Wanderer
"The thing is though," I begin to say. I shuffle my hands, not knowing how to phrase my thoughts without sounding offense. Or without a sob. I start to think about Kat and Anna. They tried making me feel better, they tried telling me it would be okay. It wouldn't though. I know that I'm going to be stuck feeling like shit forever.  I won't be able to be cute and flirty at dances like I used. I won't be able to simply eat dinner with the smiling campers. I feel like I can't do anything.
"Nobody really gets it. Like, they feel bad, I know they do. They just don't have a good way of phrasing sympathy. I sometimes feel like people look at me like I'm some ancient vase that they think is interesting and nice but they don't want to come near me because they're worried that I'll break and shatter. It may be true, I do kind of have a problem with not crying, but I just wish they wouldn't try to make me feel better by telling me to 'Stay strong.'"
I sigh and look up at the sky. It's overcast and gray. I probably wouldn't have noticed if I was okay. I usually didn't care about to the weather because I was "too busy" with being the idiot that I was. I was "too busy" to think about a lot of things.
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PostSubject: Re: why can't i breathe||open   why can't i breathe||open I_icon_minitime

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