life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)

Skyler felt distant, untouchable. It was as he had always been - so close, yet stuck without empathy, without care - but worse this time. This time Skyler minded. His whole life, the only thing he was sure of was himself. And now even he realized that Skyler Carstairs was somewhere different. It had nothing to do with any disorder. It was with mistrust that Skyler faded away.

His family was dead. And he had nothing. In some ways, that made him feel resentful. But this was nothing compared to the gut wrenching feeling in his heart when he found out that the basis of his entire life was a lie. And that they had left him there, a little boy, lonely and alone (but this was not the same thing you see - all his life, Skyler craved comfort and attention. But he didn’t know how to relate to people, didn’t know how to play with the other kids. And once he got it, he realized that it wasn’t attention that he really craved. Skyler never really knew what he really wanted as a child).

Skyler didn’t know how to forgive Isabelle. He knew it wasn’t her fault, and even knew she felt sorry for him (to feel remorse was something that Skyler couldn’t quite comprehend. He thought Isabelle felt nothing but pity for her stupid, loner brother).

Skyler almost always had a cigarette on him. They weren’t much but it was as close to forgetting as possible. He had started to smoke a lot - too much. Inhaling the poison was the only way Skyler was going to ever escape back into his own secluded world.

His wandering finally brought him to the place of residence of his best (and only) friend, Kat. It seemed so odd that he had never visited here, although he could map it out in his sleep. The cabin was empty; it radiated silence. Kat was sitting on her bed, looking at the wall. Snuffing out the end of his cigarette on his finger (the pain didn’t bother him; it never had), Skyler sat down beside her. ”Morning sunshine.” Skyler said sarcastically. Despite his wrecked state, he would never lose his sense of humor (as bad as it might be).

Skyler frowned, looking at the blade in Kat’s hand. It was still sharp and coated in a thin layer of pink dye that couldn’t just be decoration. Blood. Skyler glanced at the face of his best friend, which was laced with fear. Something was wrong with Kat. Something was very wrong.
Somehow, Skyler made the connection to the guilt spread across Kat’s face to the sword in her hand to her uneven breath. He wasn’t a genius, that was for sure, but Skyler was smart enough. ”I’m not going to stab you Kat.” Skyler said flatly. His voice was stoic; he would not press on. Although Skyler had no boundaries, he did not want to impose on Kat anymore than he already had. He was about as helpful as a fish out of water and maybe stabbing Kat was the most useful thing he could’ve done. Well maybe there was one more thing.

Skyler’s heart beat in his chest so loudly that he thought his ears might explode; his life was flashing around him, all the memories were pouring back but Skyler could barely remember any of that. He could see his parents, looking at him sadly. The other kids running around happily on the playground. He tried to remember his last goodbyes to his parents; their rental car driving off into the distance, leaving forever with everyone he had ever loved in tow. A single tear rolled down Skyler’s cheek, but he ignored it. He was not going to cry.

All he could think of was the bad experiences. Skyler’s vision became black and white as the color drained out of the world and he felt so empty and Skyler just wanted to take everything away; all his pain, suffering, imposing on others. He was so useless.

Skyler was just a rag doll now, devoid of any emotion or thought. He had always been, he realized. Just a mistake. His father never meant to have him. And then he had met someone else and they had a family and they really didn’t need him. They had left Skyler in the dust and he wasn’t really needed or wanted. Not even Kat needed him now. Skyler took a deep breath in. One of his last, he couldn’t help but think.

Then something came across Skyler; a feeling of absolute emptiness. He didn’t bother moving. Forgetting about his breath, Skyler turned to Kat. He looked at her with sunken eyes, already rotting in their sockets. ”Can I see that knife?” He asked, and without waiting for it, Skyler gently took the knife out from Kat’s lap. He didn’t want to hurt her; he would never hurt her again. Taking it in two hands, Skyler gripped the knife tightly. It made two indents on his left hand, where blood trickled out slightly. Skyler could feel it, but things like that didn’t bother him anymore. Lifting the knife up, Skyler pointed it towards himself. He was already half gone. "I'm sorry." Skyler muttered, perfectly still and calm. He really was.

Skyler had terrible aim, he realized, only quickly after he watched the knife go through his stomach. It really was his stomach, and by the feel of it, Skyler had just broken a rib. He missed his lungs and heart, and the knife penetrated right beneath his lungs. He could feel a massive hole in his chest. And Kat was freaking out.. But it all seemed so distant now. Was this what dying felt like? Skyler felt so distant. He could feel the heart wrenching pain in his chest, and he wanted to pull the knife out and scream and cry.

But Skyler didn’t. Because that’s what he always wanted anyways. The serenity of being dead. Skyler didn’t believe in heaven; neither did he believe in hell. Come to think of it, he barely believed in the gods. It didn’t make sense to Skyler. Being dead had always been such a peaceful concept to Skyler. The notion of death was emptiness, and even if Skyler went to Hades, he would forget everything. All the memories of his miserable life, all of his friends, and best of all, all of his guilt. All Skyler could feel was guilt; it filled the gaps the pain couldn’t reach. Skyler felt Kat reach him, pull the knife from his stomach. Her face was too painful to look at; Skyler had a sudden urge to hide his eyes (but he didn’t; he couldn’t). Kat, possibly the only person Skyler had ever truly loved (he did not love Isabelle the way he loved Kat, although it was love that allowed Skyler to save her in the end), the guiltiest person Skyler had ever met, the person who was the most similar to Skyler himself.

”Kat...” Skyler choked, trying to make out a couple of last words. For the second time that month, Skyler’s mouth filled with blood. It was too late, his body couldn’t handle all of the abuse it had taken and Skyler was dying. He would be dead by the time that Kat’s brother returned with a healer; Skyler was sure of it. Skyler reached out and gently wiped a tear from Kat’s cheek, smearing blood on her face. ”just let me die..” Although Skyler used to have a hard time saying that word, it came naturally to him, now that he was staring it in the face. Skyler could feel his body sucumming to the pain, losing consciousness, and Skyler struggled to keep his eyes on Kat’s face. ”I...It’s not your fault.”  Skyler said, his hand drooping to his side and the world going black.