I just need to vent.

Subject: I just need to vent. Sun Feb 26, 2012 6:53 pm

Hey guys, It’s… Cherry? Semmy? Ugface #1? Who am I? I’m sure some of you guys would be rolling your eyes right now, some of you guys would want to leave because they feel that it’s going to make them feel all gushy, and the remaining fraction of you guys will continue reading.

Lately, I haven’t been feeling that great, and for some reason, I’m feeling depressed. Actually, I’ve been literally radiating negativity (?) the past week or so. Maybe it’s because I’ve been sick for a while. Maybe it’s because of all that catch up work I need to do, and maybe it’s because my teacher thinks that I’m losing my homework on purpose. I honestly don’t know, but there’s one thing I know for sure. I’m not feeling that great.

Lately, I’ve been feeling like complete crap about myself, and I honestly don’t know what to do about it other than vent it out here. I’m too scared to tell anyone. I’m too cowardly to tell. Right now, I could be sipping tea on a balcony to my apartment, looking to the view of 5th ave that my penthouse provides, I could be hiding from the police after killing someone, or I could be some 10 year old that has nothing to do with her time and seeks attention.

Before you read on, I want you to stop and think about who you think I really am. American? French? Canadian? Chinese? Korean? Japanese? Luxembourgish? German? Go ahead, imagine. Right now, I’m like a piece of clay on the table in… let’s… say art class. Or maybe a blank canvas, waiting for you to paint the picture. Choose what you want and continue reading.

Kay, now that we have this sorted out, lemme tell you something. There’s an infinite possibilities to who I am. Or possibly, who WE are. Now from what you have painted on your picture so far, add something that’s depressing. Good? Now let’s get to the point. My parents have been arguing over the phone pretty much every day this past week, and I’ve been pretending that nothing ‘s happening. It’s scary, but I hope that it’ll pass like all those other times my parents have hit a rough patch.

Now take what you have in that picture and add something that’s represents being lost. Perhaps a blonde girl in rags wondering which bus to take, or maybe a girl who is trying to decide whether to buy a Gucci bag or a Pucci bag at Barney’s. Or I could be a brunette, trying to find the right road to take on a map that’s half finished.

It’s not looking very pretty is it? It probably looks like one of the most depressing things in the world right now. C’est laid n’est pas? Don’t worry; maybe as you read, it’ll become something better. Or maybe it’ll be worse. I’m lost, I’m helpless, and I’m trapped. Or at least, I feel like those things. I wonder if any of you guys have a good idea who I am. I wonder if any of your predictions are close. There are infinite possibilities.

Now imagine that girl, whatever age, whatever race walking into a school; whether it’s a public school, boarding school, correctional school, elite school, or maybe I’m homeschooled. Imagine that girl whoever she is, trying to fit in a piece of puzzle that doesn’t even belong to that particular puzzle. It’s not even a part of any puzzle. Maybe later on, they would make one that fits that puzzle piece perfectly, but right now, there’s none. That’s real awkward right? Try adding something that represents a misfit in your life.

Right now, I’m thinking about how I had realized that I’m being used by so many people right now, and the only reason I’m not ‘friendless’ is because I have something other people want. In many ways, I’m worthless. I’m just a puppet, a stepping stone to get across the pond to the ultimate prize. Add something that you have pride in. Maybe it’s your trophy that you won at the spelling bee the other year, or maybe it’s the new pair of Prada flats you bought the other day. Now add that girl at the bottom of the ladder, maybe as a penny to save up for a 2000 dollar jacket.

Now put that girl in a position where she just doesn’t know who she is. Maybe in a coma, maybe with amnesia, maybe she magically switched bodies with a twin. Who the hell knows? Only you.

Now take a moment and look at that picture. Visualize it, look at the paper you drew it on. I have no idea how, but look. It’s rather sad isn’t it? Look around her, all those things in her life that you would love, yet she’s still not happy. She’s still… well, empty.

This isn’t really a rant, but I’ve vented out this way. Especially this time, I haven’t let anyone know about my personal information. I haven’t told anyone the cause. Maybe I will tell. But not today, not right now, not at this moment. Who knows? Maybe I’ll tell tomorrow, maybe the day after that, a month, a year, a decade, or maybe just simply never.

~Who am I? Why am I here? Maybe I’ll tell, maybe not.~

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