Does anyone come to this life issues section for sunshine? I don't think you'll find any here.
I just wanted to share something about my life, which isn't the whole part of it. It feels like I'll get a remarkably lethal aneurysm or something if I hold everything inside. Maybe one day when I cross that bridge above the highway I cross every day I'll lose focus and I'd jump off. I don't know if I want to do that.
I'm rather glad that 2011 is over. I know it may have been bad for a lot of people I know, they've lost a lot. Perhaps more than me. But in the words of the psychology text I read, suffering really isn't relative, or comparable. When you suffer, it's just that you're suffering, no more, no less.
I messed up on the worst part of my life. I was always a pretty gifted child. Learning how to talk at an early age, walk, all that. When my comrades in toddler-dom were learning their alphabet, I was reading words. So I had consistent 95+ averages all up to grade 6. That's where I messed up. There's a prestigious school where I live that is for gifted children. I've been told that thousands apply and take the test, but only one hundred get in. And I skipped grades, but still got into that 100. I felt special, I really did. But the first three years were absolute crap. I did well, and maybe people were jealous or something, so they shut me out. Maybe I was just that person who popular groups picked on to establish their self-created authority. But more often than not, I cried myself to sleep back when I was 10 and in Grade 7. I never do that any more, because I'm a guy who shouldn't waste something as special as tears on worthless moments.
I still remember me trying to talk to my best friend at the time who had joined a circle of friends. One of them, looking for laughs, physically pushed me out. I was small and weak, but not far down enough that I couldn't hear him say, "Sorry, this is an exclusive conversation for 12 year-olds and up." I still remember the exact moment. And the worst part was that my best friend laughed. That was where I lost my first friend like that.
I have a problem. I don't know if it's because I care for my friends more than they do me, or that I dedicate myself at times to other's happiness. I would sacrifice my own things just to ensure people I love don't feel down. I stayed up all night to talk a friend I barely spent time with out of his depression. I got in serious trouble, but I felt it was worth it. He's gone now.
All of them are.
I can't keep true and real friends. It's like they've decided that they're too good for me all of a sudden, or some ridiculously unexpected extenuating circumstances pull them away from me. And it's usually after I've told them all about me. I've just wanted one person I can hold onto, when I'm fighting my own demons inside. But I've really never had anyone.
So cue into the dying months of 2011. My grades are finally picking back up, because I'm pushing myself harder and harder. It doesn't help that my parents are being more ridiculous as ever. I get in trouble a lot for all the bad reasons. Only two days ago, I woke up badly sick, coughing congealing blood to my mother yelling at me and my father hitting me to wake up. Wouldn't want to delay their work schedule because I can't be trusted at home, would we?
Of course, I've got a friend at the time. I feel my 'curse' of mine had finally vanished, that I can't keep real friends. But I was blind. Because this last best friend I had just recently tried to ruin my academics with something that could have sent me to the principal and ruined my chances of going to university.
He tried to set me up for plagarism just because i didn't cover for him when he did nothing on group work.
And yes, the ever forgiving me had forgotten about the time he'd sent me to the hospital because he was raging and gave me advanced chance of glaucoma. Also said I had provoked him. I didn't. So thanks to him for doctors dripping acid or whatever eyedrops were supposed to help for two months, two times a week. And thanks for lying.
My grades slipped. Again. I was unmotivated, tired, and ADHD was killing my concentration every night, when I stared at two monitors going, "What the hell am I doing? Why am I still alive?" Lack of sleep makes you do weird things.
I found Camp Half-Blood. Here, I found someone who I thought understood me in a lot of ways. Of course, they promised like everyone else that I would not be abandoned at their hands again. I opened up belief again, just because I was desperate and on the verge of hurting myself physically for problems I don't feel comfortable sharing. But my problems followed me into cyberspace too. Same song and dance, same ending. It's only I learn to trust someone, they vanish to my heart. I thought roleplay would give me some space between my depression and me, but it only reminded me of what I go to every day when I wake up.
If you've made it this far, I congratulate you. It takes strength to read about other's problems in detail.
TL;DR, I immensely dislike you. I didn't write that much just to summarize it into ten words.
Subject: pandora's box? 
Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:31 pm
