Stories Written by me......Jason Shaffer

I wrote this when i was 14, so it won't be that good. But i do want feedback from you people so feel free to post your comments here, or pm them to me if theare negative comments.....ENJOY!

P.S. It is kind of long, so i don't suggest reading it unless you have a lot of time on your hands.



I am Lizzie Daniels. I was 14 years old.
This is my story.

I came into this wonderful world on March 31, 2011 to my proud parents, Judy and Jim. The only problem was that I was an accident. See…in the little town of Fombell, Pennsylvania, families are not allowed to have more than 1 child. Unfortunately, I was the second child born in my family. I have
an older brother named Mitchell, and boy… does he get all the privileges.

Since I was not meant to be here, I have been kept a secret for my whole life. If the government ever found out about me, they would either have my whole family put into jail, or we would all be put to death. I have been living in my family’s attic for over 12 years, and I have only been allowed out to see my family and to go to the bathroom. I have all my meals brought up to me by a dumb waiter, and I am only allowed to have 1 serving because the government also monitors how much you spend on groceries each month. If your payment for these necessities becomes too high, then the government has the right to come and search your house for any hidden people. And trust me; you do not want that to happen because you will be found out.

One day, when my parents were out and my brother was at school, I decided to sneak out and find out what the real world was like. It was nothing like I had imagined it to be. There were cars parked everywhere and children my age running up and down the streets. I knew that I would not be allowed to play with them because if you see any children you have never seen before, you must report them to the local police department. The department will find out where you live and come and take you away. So, instead of staying to watch them play around, I politely put my hood up and slouched so no one would see my face. The outside was beautiful, and it was much better than that old stinky attic I lived in.

I looked at my watch and realized that my parents would be home any minute, and if they ever found out that I ventured outside of my four designated walls, they would ground me for life (not that I do not already spend enough time in my room). I saw the car pulling in the driveway as I raced toward the house. I was too late. I would never make it inside in time, so I came up with a devious plan. I would run away from home, away from this cruel town of Fombell, and away from the state of Pennsylvania altogether. So I took off as fast I my legs would carry me. Down the highway and over bridges I flew, trying to get away from everyone.

But soon, I literally ran into trouble. There was a cop car sitting right in front of me and apparently I did not seem to notice it before I ran head first into the passenger door, leaving a lovely sized dent. Everything from that moment until I woke up in the hospital was all a blur, but here is what I uncovered in the police report of the accident. After I hit my head, I was knocked unconscious for several hours.

During that period of time, I had 2 seizures and very bad concussion. The MRI that they took of my brain showed that it was swelling too much and if the doctors had not relieved the pressure building inside my head, I would have died. The nurses at the hospital informed me that I had to stay in the hospital and if no one was going to come and pick me up within 3 days, I would be put into the foster system. I telephoned my mom and dad as quickly as my finger would go, trying to remember their number. It took me 3-4 tries to finally get it right. My mother answered and she had already known that I was in the hospital. I asked her how this could be and she said that there was a news report on television about the incident. They had pictures of me up on the screen and were asking for the parents of this injured child to come and pick her up. My mother refused to come and get me for fear that my secret for 14 years would be revealed. I told her my dilemma, and asked her to do it anyway. I knew the consequences for my actions and I was ready to pay for what my parents had accidently done.

The police came to pick me up around 8:00 pm. My parents and my brother were there to see me off to jail, and to see me for the last time because the punishment for this crime is life in prison. They had to handcuff me for fear that I would hurt myself or the other people around me. I got 1 last hug from each family member and said my last goodbyes to them. I stepped into the police car, and looked behind me as they drove me to my new home. My mother and brother were in tears and my dad was trying to comfort them, but if you would look really closely at his face, you would see multiple tears running down as well. When we got to the Fombell Jail, they demanded that I pose for pictures, and not to smile. I was no longer Lizzie Daniels, a 14 years old girl that was hidden in her family attic. I was number 24601, a convict of the law and ward of the state of Pennsylvania.

That was 11 years ago. Today I am 25 years old and still fulfilling my sentence to life in prison. I have been to about 9 different prisons over the last decade. I have tried to escape twice and none of these attempts were successful. Lucky for me, I am about to be released. The law that said each family can only have 1 child is in the process of being outlawed. So, all of us who were taken for this reason, get out today and then we can be reunited with our families. Men… were my parents happy to see me. My mom had tears of joy streaming down her face, my dad has this huge grin on his, and Mitchell was just so happy to see me out of jail that he was left speechless. I now have my own room in the house and no longer have to hide in the attic. I can socialize with other adults my age, and maybe even get an education like I always wanted.

All in all, everything turned out to be okay. As I reflect on those past years, I remember what I missed out on, and what I never got to do. Jail actually was not that bad after you get used to being yelled at for no good reason, and getting the most crappy food in the entire universe. Life is great now, and I can only go up from here.

Wow Jason! I love it! Now, would u read my stories. Yes, I have 2. One is in fan fiction, and the other is in stories. The one in stories is called, "In the World of the Unknowns". Thanks, and love your story!!

Great story. Any chance we could see volume 2. out soon?

Maybe....Just maybe, but i don't have any ideas for it. If you guys have any suggestions for part two of this story, let me know A.S.A.P.

Thankx.

If you're taking the time to read this, reminder: I may be able to give TOONNNNNNEESS of suggestions, I, myself suck at literature in short form. i.e. something like what you're writing here\ Biographic\Autobiographic narratives Remember, I warned you.

1. I get that this is mean to be short, but you need to keep it in the particular style of writing. (In your case, this falls under the ‘Biographic\Autobiographic narratives’ section like stated above.)

Quote :

I came into this wonderful world on March 31, 2011 to my proud parents, Judy and Jim. The only problem was that I was an accident. See…in the little town of Fombell, Pennsylvania, families are not allowed to have more than 1 child. Unfortunately, I was the second child born in my family. I have an older brother named Mitchell, and boy… does he get all the privileges.

and then,

Quote :

Since I was not meant to be here, I have been kept a secret for my whole life. If the government ever found out about me, they would either have my whole family put into jail, or we would all be put to death. I have been living in my family’s attic for over 12 years, and I have only been allowed out to see my family and to go to the bathroom. I have all my meals brought up to me by a dumb waiter, and I am only allowed to have 1 serving because the government also monitors how much you spend on groceries each month.

You're probably asking, 'why'd you just copy and paste what I wrote?'. Here's your answer: The first paragraph, was full on information. (That really great) BUT, your second paragraph was very vague, very general it kinds of leaves the reader hanging on what kind of story you’re writing, and losing some of the reader’s interest. If you want to make the first paragraph overloading with info, then you have to make the second paragraph with an even quantity.

2. Extending the paragraphs.

Re-read the first ‘quote’ from the last pointer. (Whatever you wanna call it)

Okay, first of all,

Quote :

I came into this wonderful world on March 31, 2011 to my proud parents, Judy and Jim.

This is enough to make one paragraph. Here are some ideas that can help you extend the paragraph.

- How ‘proud’ were the parents?
- ‘Wonderful’? Tell me how, she ended up in jail after years of living in an attic living off barely any food.
- How come they didn’t want to abort the kid? ( Not something obvious like ‘they didn’t feel like killing off a child.’ Write something that would only stand as a ‘subtopic’.)

3. Staying on topic and organization.

Quote :

Unfortunately, I was the second child born in my family. I have an older brother named Mitchell, and boy… does he get all the privileges.

Yes, that is very informative and detailed, but what I’m getting from this sentence is alarms blaring ‘off topic’ in my head. (No, not that drastic but you catch my drift.) If you were to put that there, you should’ve put that sentence there right after the ‘I was born to __________ and _________’ part. Remember, part of writing is the organization of your writing. If you’ve heard of the 6 1 traits of writing, you know what I’m talking about. (If you wanna know, PM me. This is supposed to be focused on what YOU’RE writing.)

4. Adding as many hidden details as you can.

Of course, this comes with practice. ‘How is this a problem?’ you ask. It’s a problem because you’re only telling me about the exterior of your character. I have all that info on what kind of world she lives in, parents, siblings, friends, etc. But what you’re not doing is hinting at things that are ‘deeper’ while keeping it simple to pave together.

From reading this, I didn’t really grasp the personality of the protagonist or what she’s really feeling on the inside even though she’s the narrator of the story. Add more emotion. What makes her so special? Or rather, what makes here ‘plain’? Those are some things that you want to question about.

5.Word Choice

At the time, you were 14, I’m pretty sure that you would’ve had a wide vocabulary by then. Of course, a vocabulary is nothing if you don’t use the words as much as you can right?

I’m just going to quote one of my teachers here, “Your word choice needs be clear, colorful, and precise as you can make it.” meaning, add a bit of spice to your writing, add some more flavor. Make it your own, finishing touches to your writing. If you have trouble with adding more ‘flavor’ to your writing, think about taking out those boring overused words, and add in your own. Heck, make your own! (Just stay away from overusing the thesaurus.)

6. Sentence Structure.

Vary your sentences by length, emotion, and vocabulary. Most of the time, people make their sentences around the same lines. B.O.R.I.N.G.! Remember to stay away from doing that, it leads to overuse of words, the lost of interest, and overall annoying.

7. Presentation of your writing.

Of course, people wanna read something that looks neat right? Something like ‘iwoke up in my bed and i got dressed and said bye to my mom to get on thebus.’ Doesn’t looking at that sentence make you wanna pop a vein? I know I do. (This is just an example, your writing was way better than that.) But you do know that I don’t wanna read something that’s all clumped together. A paragraph is a new idea linking from the previous idea to another to help the plot flow easily.

If I wanted to find a new idea, I would look at the spacing right? That’s the main idea of a paragraph. So, I noticed that YOUR.PARAGRAPHS.WERE.STUCK.TOGETHER. AAAAARRRRRRG! Just keep that in mind.

I hoped that this helped you in terms of improving this story and your writing in general. If you have any questions, please PM me.


-Cherry

I like it. if i post my story can you read it?

Yeah...just don't post it here.....make you own topic.

I agree with Cherry, but overall I thought the story was interesting to read. (:

^^I agree with Bre and Cherry, but a fun story to read.

Yes, A very fun story to read. If you're maeking a sequel, just keep these things in mind.^^ (But remember to keep your style of writing!)