I am honestly posting because I don't know where else to put up my emotions and feel heard--whether I actually am or not. I want to say most of you have known me throughout my entire adolescence, because if you were on chb back in the day then this is a true statement. I want to say I joined as early as 6th grade, but it also could have been 5th grade. Long time. I developed a lot as a writer on this site and as a human I have matured immensely. I am a senior in high school now, which, compared to most of my friends on the site is actually quite young but we are going to ignore that fact for the sake of the point I want to make. Which is I am old and matured and have been through more than I imagined for myself when I first joined the site.
Since it's been a bit since any of us have been active and checking in with each other, I just want to talk about my life. Last year was difficult for me. I'm going to be specific and not sugar coat anything. So possible trigger warnings?? Possible profanity?? Just ranting. I want to scream and this is the closest I can come.
Last year was difficult for me. I lost myself in a boy. I had several pregnancy scares. I was emotionally unstable a large majority of the time. I constantly suffered from mental and emotional breakdowns. My friend group ditched me and would accept me only to ditch me again in an unhealthy cycle. My boyfriend convinced me I was crazy. I let him. I started to believe I was troubled and the emotional abuse began. I never want to feel as powerless and as worthless as I did during this relationship ever again.
I constantly ask myself why I didn't save myself from the situation, but after a lot of thought, I do know the answer. At the same time as the emotional turmoil, I was extremely popular. I've had a crush on the boy I dated since 6th grade when we first met. Most of my friends on this site heard me gush about him at one point or another. Dating seemed like a dream come true. I was going to parties and ensuring I forgot my life every weekend. I felt like my boyfriend cared deeply about me because he occasionally would shout at me that he did. I was insecure and looking for myself in others.
My boyfriend broke up with me at the end of the summer. We dated for a year, not to mention we'd been best friends since middle school, and he broke up with me for the excuse of "wanting to be single for his senior year." He told me we would still be friends. I want to say I took control of my life after the breakup, that I realized how poorly I had allowed myself to be treated and how broken I felt, but I misdirected the source of my pain as loneliness and everything felt worse after the breakup. I saw a therapist. I was told to quit my birth control by my doctor because of the emotional effects attributed to them. I continued to feel worse because I let myself feel worse. I have never been more codependent than I was in those months. I believed my identity existed in the boy who didn't love me and didn't know who I was for a while.
I want to say I took control of my life after beginning therapy and receiving a major depressive disorder diagnosis. I want to say that the antidepressants I started taking made me feel better than the breakup made me feel worse. I want to say the friend group that welcomed me back with open arms didn't cast me out just as quickly, as things had always been, and I want to say I didn't still try to go back to them. I want to say I felt strong and confident on my own and wasn't still trying to find myself in other people, but none of this would be true. Until several weeks ago, I was trying and failing to fit myself into the shape everyone wanted me to be and it made me completely miserable.
Only recently did I become close to a friend who has since become my closest human and only person I seem to trust anymore. I met this person through my ex. They were both on the football team. I didn't know I would get him in the breakup, but I'm so extremely thankful that I did. Until him no one has been able to show me that I am strong enough, good enough, deserving enough on my own. The fact that he never left me even when everyone else did is what made it easy for me to listen to him and eventually start to believe him. He had no ulterior motive, no intention of getting in my pants or social climbing, and he didn't leave when I went through episodes. I've never had someone in my life who didn't leave, and who didn't want my life to revolve around them but instead helped my build my life around myself.
I just wanted to say that I still feel terrible at almost all times, and if I let myself I feel how awful my mind wants to feel, I experience everything I once did. But I'm working on pulling myself up instead of relying on other people, and this is everything. I fail most times. I struggle so much with my depression. I've never been at a lower point, but I'm starting to trust that this is necessary and I can pull myself back up.
Subject: shout into the void?? 
Sun Dec 04, 2016 11:47 pm
