Let's Try This Again... (Crowley)

Cas didn’t really understand why Ezra followed him around everywhere. He wasn’t pleasant to be around, and he scowled rather than smiled at any given moment. He knew that Ezra wanted to protect him, and even though his intentions were true and good, Casimir didn’t like it. He felt that Ez would just get hurt around him, because everyone. The remembrance of his best friend, Sophia, stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the sea of depression that were his memories. That was why he sat in the forest, leaning up against a tree and looking at the stars above him. Never mind that his father was the titan of constellations, Casimir liked stars anyways. They were so far away, so innocent and so pure, white freckles against dark blue skin. Sometimes when Cas felt extremely alone and sad and depressed, he’d look up to the night sky and pick a random star, wishing with all his might to live there alone where no one could hurt or bother him. Even if his abusive brother was long gone back in Colorado, Casimir still had nightmares about him, and any sudden movements from any person towards him could remind him of those afternoons where punches were the main course instead of mac n cheese. Ezra sat beside him, chatting idly, and of course Cas didn’t listen to his twin. He was good at blocking everything out, being the middle child of 6 kids. It wasn’t like he hated his brother, quite the contrary. Ez was the only person Cas could talk to and stand, because he knew deep down, that Ezra would always be there for him. However, he had a lot of trouble believing it at the moment, with everything going to shit in his childhood and adolescence. 

The night sky was particularly alive tonight, and the milky way had decided to show it’s wonderful face to Casimir Young, which made him happy. There were streaks of blue and green and red and orange streaking and flaring across the dark backdrop. With bright blue eyes, the demigod stared at the sky absolutely silent, barely even breathing because he was afraid that if he did, his breath, however small and slight, would blow all of the stars away from him, granting him eternal blackness. Stars were the love of Cas’ life, he couldn’t imagine a night without them. As a kid when the beatings were particularly bad, Casimir would shine his own personal galaxy from the palm of his hands up to the cracked ceiling, and it calmed him down, allowing the demigod to cry himself to sleep at night because no one cared. That was one thing about Ezra Cas didn’t like. Sure, he defended his twin, but Ez never thought to comfort Cas afterwards. Which was fine, after all, who would want to comfort a depressed ten year old? Only Sophia could do that, and she was gone, leaving him alone in the world. Sometimes he imagined that one of the stars in the sky would twinkle brighter than the others, and Cas liked to think that star was his dead friend. 

Focusing his powers on the boulder helped Cas to calm down. The more power he used to project the galaxy the more relaxed he felt. It wouldn’t be long now, just a couple more minutes of practicing and he’d be asleep. Using his powers was a way of escape for Casimir. Instead of running and facing his problems head on like his brother, he ran away from them, pretending like they didn’t matter. Usually it worked back at home, but as of late it was getting harder and harder to forget. Maybe it was because everyday was the same here at camp? Wake up, eat breakfast, go to some classes, lunch, more classes, break, dinner, bedtime. It was always the same for Cas, and it was extremely tedious. At least back in Denver Cas didn’t know what physical punishment Michael would have him endure. Sometimes, when his older brother was feeling particularly mean, he’d punch Casimir until the demigod was a bloody pulp and unconscious. Other times, it was just a football chucked at his head. Cas liked those nights where he only procured a bump or bruise instead of broken bones and concussions. He never understood why, or even cared in the least, Michael kicked and hurt him rather than his other siblings. Hael, Ezra, Tessa, and Zachariah could all take beatings better than Cas could. The demigod was always the one who got sick, always the one with fragile bones that everyone thought would break under the slightest touch. Of course, Casimir knew that was precisely the reason why Michael did what he did to Cas; it was because he could get away with it. Their mother didn’t care about Casimir in the slightest, and everyone in the family knew it. 

Playing with the miniature galaxy and trying to drain his powers enough to knock himself out, Cas sighed, annoyed with his brother. Didn’t he, of all people, understand that Casimir needed to be alone? If he was alone he didn’t get hurt and no one else did either. Ezra didn’t need to try and pry into his brothers life, that wasn’t his job. Ezra’s job was to go live a life of happiness and warmth and comfort and sunshine that Cas could never have. Cas knew he was doomed to walk this earth with death, destruction, sadness, depression, and darkness as his only companions. His name literally meant ‘Destroyer of Peace’ and up until he was ten Casimir didn’t understand why everyone was named after angels except for him. But now he understood. Cas was the demon in his family of godly angels. “Nothing’s wrong.” Cas assured his brother through gritted teeth. The anger and annoyance inside him only fuelled the brightness of the stars. His hand was hot and sweaty and almost shaking. He’d used up almost all of his energy in under five minutes. That was a new record. Another star blew up in his face, curtsey of his brother, and this time it was blue as Cas’ eyes. He was expecting it this time, and so the sudden burst of light didn’t phase the other brother. He glared at his brother through the darkness of night. “I hate sudden movements.” Was all he said, hoping that Ez would get the message. 

The demigod was tired, oh so very tired. It wasn’t just because he and drained his batteries trying to avoid Ezra and needed to physically sleep, but it was also part mental that wasn’t to connected to sleeping at all. He was tired of being over-shadowed, of being ignored, of just being sad. But being sad was a part of who he was, and Casimir had long since stopped trying to change his melancholy ways. There had been a point in his younger years when Cas was happy like his brother, before the beatings and beratings started, before he was ignored and shoved into mindless oblivion where even if he screamed as loud as he could, making his voice hoarse with exhaustion and exertion, no one would would ever hear it amongst the darkness. But Cas had learned a long time ago there was no one to help you, no one to dry your tears or mend your broken bones when you fell. If you wanted comfort, you comforted yourself. He knew that Ezra had tried, and still was trying, to get Casimir to open up to him. That was why he lightly pushed him and chided him as if he was five years old. That was also the reason why Cas didn’t hurt his brother or hurt him to the point of him screaming, Cas wasn’t passive towards anybody but his brother, and even Ezra had limits. He lazily blinked his blue eyes, only trying to stay awake for Ez’s sake. “Sleep?” Cas suggested breathily, hardly being serious about the topic. Why couldn’t Ez leave him alone? Casimir shook his head, grinding more dirt and twigs into the side of his pale face, lit only by the stars his brother conjured. “I can’t.” Cas admitted as another star blew up in his face, illuminating his features a sickly green, making the bags under his eyes and dangerously sharp cheek bones even more prominent than before.

After a while he knew that Ezra had stopped using his powers and now was trying to get Casimir to use his own on his brothers. Even if the boy could, he wouldn’t want too. Ezra was the one person whom Cas could stand for more than thirty minutes, and despite the reassurance in his twins voice, he was still afraid that Ez would get hurt. Everyone around him did. Sophia was the figure who stuck out the most in his mind when Cas thought of happiness, and that had ended horribly. A brief flame amongst the pitiful, eternal darkness. “I can’t.” Cas repeated himself through gritted teeth. However, Ezra kept going and going, finally causing his brother to snap like frozen rubber bands that hadn’t had a chance to stretch. Casimir found the strength to sit up again, and he relied heavily on the pine tree to support him. He glared at his twin, feeling like fire was dancing inside him and it was all Ezra’s fault. “You don’t understand, Ezra, I can’t. I drained all my powers on that god damned galaxy. I can’t and even if I wanted to I couldn’t even blast a fly away because I freaking suck and everyone is always better than I am and I feel like shit because I am shit! I can’t. I can’t. I just… I just can’t.” Cas confessed, sleep wrecking his voice so it was slow and had an almost syrupy texture to it. He ran his shaking hands through his sweaty dark brown hair, dislodging some of the dirt and grime from it.