come on and kick me [private]

a hand pushed into his back, the wresting of the large group overbearing the son of ares. he turned quickly, his wide and startled eyes searching for an escape from this claustrophobia. Finally, he found a gap between two faceless boys, pushing through and tripping before his feet. suddenly, the scene of new york around his spiraled into the living room of his apartment back in london. something was cold and solid in his hand, and he looked down to find pistol clutched beneath his cold fingers. his head slowly moved up to find ace kneeling a foot away from where he stood, his mouth begging violently yet james heard now sound. no. without having any power over his hand, the next thing james knew he was holding the nozzle of the gun against the boy's head. he pulled the trigger-
jolting up in his bed, james panted violently. it took his a good minute to realize that it was just a dream, his short curls sticking with sweat to his forehead. four nights in the last week he had had the same dream now, and everytime he relived it, it was like a bullet to his own head. he couldn't handle this anymore, and he felt like he was being shut in within the room of his cabin. jumping out of bed, james pulled on a pair of shorts and a shirt before quickly leaving into the dead of night.
without really realising where he was headed, james found himself climbing through the athena cabin's window, still shaking from his dream. he needed to find one of the few he actually trusted now, not even paying attention to the fact it was little over three-am. silently moving through the 'enemies' cabin, he quietly opened the door to faye's room. he caught a glace at his reflection in the mirror illuminated with the moonlight, and he stared back at the pale, sweaty, shaking ghost of himself. "crap." his whispered, before moving over and sitting on the edge of faye's bed, poking her arm softly and gently to wake her up. "faye, please." he begged, the desperation clear.

James thought that the girl was addressing him when she said 'Carter', not really thinking anything of it and allowing a shaky "yes." pass through his dry lips. It was weird how he felt about this girl, but he was certain that it was more than anything he had felt for anyone before. They hadn't established what they 'were' yet, although James didn't think that they really needed to put it into word. he really liked faye, and he knew her and how she really liked him. she was the person he went to in times like these.
knowing that he had to be quiet so he didn't wake her siblings, james ran a hand through his still-sweaty hair. he didn't want to talk here, and the slightly-selfish demigod couldn't stop himself from asking "can we please go for a walk?" he didn't care that it was slightly dangerous to walk around camp at this hour, or that they would get in trouble if caught. he didn't care. he just needed to clear his mind, and if faye helped it would easier for him. feeling like she wouldn't agree to going on at this hour - because she was a good girl in comparison - he took her hand once it had left her hand, running his thumb gently over her knuckles. "please."
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when james left the bed, he let his hand leave hers and move up to rub his own face, trying to quickly compose himself. the dream had been anything but pleasant, and he knew for a fact that he had tried to hide this part of his recent past from this girl. he had probably heard rumors, but he hadn't spoken of it once. he just stared at the space where faye had been, waiting. he guessed he would have to talk about it now, and he almost wanted to confide in her, but it made him so angry at himself and he was scared that she would be disgusted and leave him. that was his biggest fear, because he knew how much he was disgusted in himself.
he was pulled from his thoughts when he saw faye reach out her hand, letting a small and empty smile reach his lips. standing up, he took it in his own, silently choosing to lead her through her cabin, stepping over clothes and masses of scrolls. when they arrived outside, the cold air was refreshing on his warm body, and he pulled her down the steps with him. walking in some silence for a while before they were out of earshot from the cabins, he decided to speak, slowing down as they walked together. "are you ever ashamed of me?" he let out, his voice soft as he allowed himself to be genuine and sensitive for once, leaving the cocky facade behind for a moment, "like, do people ever tell you stuff about me? what do they say? honestly." he looked across at her, his blue eyes shining.
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the son of ares looked up as faye pointed out the stars, although studied her face when she spoke. he found it weird how they could be so good together - when they weren't in a life-threatening situation - yet they were complete opposites. she found interest in knowledge and people, whereas he found the same in violence and fighting. when he let himself, they could be quite similar, although james very rarely let this side of himself shown.
from her first word, james knew the worst; she had heard the rumours, and this sent him in a place where he didn't know whether she had heard worse or she had not believed them. he just looked at his feet, starting to panic once more at the thought of her leaving him. he kept holding faye's hand, however, just in case this was the last chance he would get. it scared him, because she probably understood him more than anyone else ever would.
but when she looked at him, his dead eyes just kept the same broken look, holding little warmth. he stopped where he was, stopping her with him and standing across from him. "faye..." he started, before frowning and finding a lump in his throat. he didn't know how to word this properly, and his body was screaming at him to stop there, but he knew he had to continue. like pulling off a plaster, he tried to make it as quick as possibly, bluntly whispering, "they're right."
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he saw as faye tried to make a sense of it all, and he nervously scratched the back of his head when she let go of his only hand. he knew this had been a bad idea - but the dark and pressing dreams had been eating james alive so often lately that he knew he would have to do this eventually, and now seemed like the perfect time. how could he explain it? he had no other choice, yet the more he had replayed it over and over in his mind over the last two years, he realized that maybe he could've figured something out that could've spared his life.
"he was mortal." he nodded, not making eye contact with her any longer. he didn't want to see her eyes turn to disgust when they looked at him, looking at the sky. "there was a group of us in the city about two years ago. a demeter kid, his girlfriend, my ex and i. we got into an argument with this kid, ace, but it turned out that demeter knew him. they wanted a fight, and a good large group of them came onto the four of us in the middle of the street. we could take them, yeah..." he stopped for a moment, trying to control his breathing as he felt it increase, "but then ace pulled out a gun. we kicked it away from him, not wanting it to go too far, but the next thing we know...i know, he's grabbed zach around the neck and he's holding a knife to his throat." james continued to glassily stare off in the distance, but just the bright and vivid recollection of this dark time make him start to shake up again and, ashamedly for him, his eyes started to water ever so slightly. "i didn't know what to do. they were going to kill him. i picked up the gun and...and they started screaming at me. they started shouting shit at me and zach was screaming at me to just do it and then the blade went so close to his throat and...i just shot him."
he looked at faye finally, studying her face in the moonlight. touching the middle left of his chest with his index finger, he told her "it hit him right there, barely touching zach. the fuzz came, and we hid in a motel. i started to breakdown and not even taylor could make me feel better..." he realized that this girl probably didn't know these people, but he was too preoccupied to stop now. "and i handed myself in after a day."
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the seconds in which he waited for faye to react was painful for james. he thought she was going to flip out, or push him away, or swear at him, or yell, or turn around and walk away. this was a weight that had been pressing down on him for the last two years. he was just a mortal, and james could've probably saved his life. he didn't even like zach. he had to save one, but it still made him feel disgusted at himself, and now he was waiting for faye to feel the same, because he was sure she would.
so when she told him he did the right thing, he could not handle the relief he felt. the only person he had ever really cared about hadn't shunned him away. he stared at her for a moment, and he felt himself breaking for the first time since that time in the infirmary. the water that had gathered in his eyes toppled over the edge, and one started to slowly slide down his cheek. he would normally avoid crying at any cost, but it was understandable in this position he thought. with his arm, he impulsively reached forward and hugged himself tight to the girl without thinking, burying his face into the nape of her neck like a child would. "thank you." he whispered, clenching his eyes closed as he continued to lean down into the girl.
"i thought you were going to leave." he admitted after a minute, pulling away slightly so he could see her face, opening his eyes once more. "i see it happening again and again all the time. seeing him go down. it's horrible." he pressed his forward against hers, looking her straight in her eyes, "i thought you were going to leave, faye, that's why i never told you."
without thinking about it, and the second time he thought he had ever said it, he sighed, "i love you so much."
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faye seemed to be saying all the things that james needed to hear, and that made him so happy. they had both been through a lot, and james sometimes felt this overwhelming darkness flooding over him at the strangest of times. he thought that it might be a backlash of what had happened before: when the undead had taken a bite into his arm, and the venom has started to move through his veins, that he was still affected sometimes by that. he didn't ever say anything to faye about it, because they had been through too much then to go back to it; she had been through a lot with killing vinnie, before then having to cut off half of his arm herself to stop him completely turning. it was haunting, but like everything, he was just trying to get over it.
he felt a pang of guilt in the bottom of his stomach at faye's promise; he had left her before, when she had needed him. they never talked about it, even liv had had a lot to say about it, but he knew that he might've done a lot of damage to this girl. thinking for a moment, he honestly told her, "neither am i. not again. not unless you need me to." it took a lot for james to make such a serious promise, but he knew that he meant it.
it was his turn to listen then, and he did it perfectly, holding faye a little tighter when she spoke. again, he would have to be careful with this subject because he didn't want to hurt the girl. their relationship had started with hatred, and his jokes about her a vinnie - and his insults - still rang in his mind. that was behind him now, and he had to respect the history that had been between the two. "i know." he just murmured, trying his best to be comforting, "i know. you're so much stronger than me."
tilting her head up to face his gently, james brushed his lips again hers for a second before stepping back, reaching his hand out. "come on, let's find somewhere warmer." he smiled softly, his tears having dissapeared as he started to become the usual james once more.
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