// got me losing my mind //

it is actually legit insane how this one person makes me feel. like, my stomach feels like it's starting to like collapse inwards whenever i think of them, or say i'm at work - i work part-time in an ice cream parlor - and i'm up front working or something and someone walks in and is wearing their deodorant and smells exactly like them, I start to like struggle to breath and I normally have to finish their order and take a breather in the back. and I start to shake a little when i think about them hating me or being with someone romantically. and, they said that I reminded them of the person that they were falling for, a couple of nights ago - whom treated them like crap and they said to me that i was all the great bits that they had fallen for in that person - which made me feel amazing and think that 'if they feel for the good bits in that person and i remind them of all the good bits, then maybe they could fall for me?'

but it's hard because they make me feel so good and crap at the same time. they will sometimes make comments that shouldn't offend me but it does because i don't really care about what anyone thinks of me, although i care what they think. and they have been one of my best-friends for the last four years, and i've felt like this for the last two years but over the last three months it has got to the point where i can't even think about other guys anymore and, even though i try to distract myself, they are all i think about. and they know how i feel now but we haven't talked about it properly so they don't know about the butterflies and how i feel and such.

because, reading back of what i've written, it just sounds pretty much like another love-life rant ahaa about a guy i like, but it really i. the thing about this one is that they're a girl, which is really hard to cope with. I'm not sexually attracted to the same sex at all - although, if i was, there would be no problem with that - but it's everything about her and her personality and how she acts and how she makes me feel when she hugs me or when we're walking through town in the day or something and she jumps of my back and makes me carry her everywhere. she is one of my best-friends and we stay over each-other's houses all the time and it's really weird. i don't understand it myself.

but the only way i can explain it - and how i explained it to my two other best friends and how they explained it to her on sunday morning - was that if she was exactly the same as she is now but in guy form, then i would be all over that. like, seriously, i would just date his ass and marry him and have little blonde afro babies.

but i legit see her everywhere. like, i smell her perfume when i'm out and i see people with the same clothes as her and think of her. heck, i was watching mtv last week and selena gomez 'come and get it' came on and now i can't watch that video without thinking of her because in some bits, they look exactly alike (i added a gif omg). basically, i just needed to get this out, because it's driving me insane. i met a guy on monday and i flirted with him a lot to try and forget but it's getter harder and harder to distract myself (which makes me sound like a mean person but i'm not mean i promise).

like, about a month ago i told a few of you that i was having a really tough week and they were the cause of that; they noticed how i'd been acting around them a little differently and got really confused about how i felt towards them and demanded i told them, but i got really defensive and refused to and we fell out monday morning in school. and then in the night i apologised over text and got no reply, and the next day i tried to talk to her but wouldn't tell her and she's really stubborn and just yelled. and i broke down and cried. like, i never cry in front of people. i'm cerys. i never cry. i'm there for people and a shoulder for them to cry on and i'm the one that makes people laugh when they're down. so then my two others friends ran after me and told me that she had talked to them about it and i poured my heart out about how i felt. they didn't say anything because one of them already knew after i had already told them and the other just didn't care. awesome friends omg.

but then it was sports day on the wednesday and we were out of school all day and together and, at some part in that day, we sort of yelled at each-other and i told her a brief amount of it and we made up in the night but i kept having panic attacks and such. it was the work week ever, and she wasn't in school thursday so it was really friday when we hugged and made up. and now we're just as close as we were before (like, she and the other friend have been best friends longer but whatever, i'm just happy to be with them tbh).

but, i feel like i can tell them everything apart from how i feel. a month ago, a week before the bad week, i cut myself and i told them straight away, because i didn't know how to deal with it.  it's summer now and i've seen her nearly everyday. hell, i even popped in earlier when we weren't going out. i won't see her until sunday though probs because i've got work and it makes me sad that i wont see her in that long. i care about her so much, and she wanted me to help hook her up with a guy before - the one that she was falling for and said i reminded her of him so much - and even though it made me feel like crap, i still did it because I knew it would make her feel happy. Because, in the end, all i want to do is see her happy. but i'm finding it harder to forget about her. all i want is for her to be happy. and i want a mixed-race sixteen year old guy with an afro to come along who is funny and kind and stubborn and hot-headed and loyal just like her to come along and sweep me off my feet.

i want her so much to just have a twin brother who is exactly the same but a little more masculine. it's driving me insane and i don't know whether to tlk to her or not and explain myself and see what's going through her head, because since my friend talked to her, there has been no reaction at all and nothing has changed (which is good so idk why i'm complaining) but i need to know what she's thinking and can say about the matter.

okay. rant over. i might code this and make it pretty hmmm