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Camp Half Blood
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Welcome to CHB!
Camp Half Blood is the sister site of Camp Jupiter.
Posts : 10035 Join date : 2010-05-04 Age : 27 Location : butthole PA
Subject: I don't really know lol Sun Dec 09, 2012 1:56 am
I don't know how surprised you'd be to read this but um.. yeah. I just feel like it needed to be said. Not to sound cliche and everything but uh, you guys are my family and I'm sick of lying to my family anymore. Except I'm not really lying. I'm just not fully telling the truth.
Spoiler:
I remember that first time I really tasted pain. It was so sharp and crisp. It cleared my mind and it was all I could think about. I remember watching the blood well up in little bubbles on the cuts. I thought it was the prettiest thing. At the time, I wasn't even sad. I was just angry and frustrated and I needed to take it out on something. My blood was so pretty. I remember sitting there on the edge of my bed just letting the blood sit there on my smooth, unmarred skin, not deep enough to drip, but not shallow enough to not bleed. It bled. I remember I thought it felt so good.
Then I woke up the next morning. My skin was screaming in pain everytime I moved. Anything would touch me and I'd cringe away in pain. My best friend grabbed my wrist and I started crying. I remember pulling back my cardigan sleeve in the bathroom and running the tips of my fingers over bumps and flaws, thinking 'why, why...'. So I rolled my sleeve back up and ran to the nurse. I asked her for some medicine and she gave it to me without asking. She probably figured it was just a single cut. She probably didn't even worry.
The days following the Day After were bad, too. It's been two weeks since I've worn short sleeves to school. The scars are healing up nicely but they're still too dark to go unnoticed. I found razors in my medicine cabinet yesterday. Even though I threw away my usual weapon, I have to remind myself to not go in the cabinet for any reason whatsoever. Those razors are taunting me. They're calling my name. I have to cover my ears just to ignore their pitiful cries sometimes.
I think about it all the time. It doesn't help that I blog about it, too. I've been clean five days now. Proud of myself, heck yes. You're all going to frown on me, too, you're going to tell me that I'm so stupid for doing this but you don't know me. You think you do, but you don't truly know what goes through my head. I hide most of my true thoughts from all of you. You're all going to be worried about me and post below the same cliche crap. Go ahead. I don't care. I posted this because I felt like some of you needed to know. Maybe you'd be able to understand me better. Why I suck so hardcore at life lmao.
I've been clean for five days because I can't wait to wear short sleeves again. All I have are hoodies and cardigans. I'm getting pretty sick of my cardigans and hoodies. I have a sheer blouse I'd like to wear on Monday but I can't. People will ask questions. I'll answer with, "I fell," or, "it was my cat." More lies. I don't know. Maybe I could just go to the thrift store and splurge on some sweaters and tights. They'd have to be opaque tights, though.
Yeah.
Skye THE YODELMEISTER
Posts : 3654 Join date : 2011-06-25 Age : 28 Location : The Stratosphere
Subject: Re: I don't really know lol Sun Dec 09, 2012 5:41 am
Zan, I can't say I really know how you feel, but I've been there. I used to cut my upper thighs, but high enough so they wouldn't be too noticeable, and I could hide them with shorts. I cut my stomach, and I cut my forearm once. I'm not proud of what I did. I never was. The first time, I loved the feeling. I loved not feeling pain. I felt numb. I didn't cry any of the times I did it. I just sort of dozed off, looked off for awhile. Sitting in the tub, I felt guilty.
I can never look back on that year or so and not cry. Hearing that you're doing it makes me cry. Zan, I care about you so much. You're seriously one of my best friends on this site. I don't want you in pain. I don't want you going so low as to cut. There are other ways to numb the pain, to deal with it. I used to sleep, write, draw, sing, practice on my instrument, watch dumb tv shows, and play video games. Did puzzles, played board games with my mom, and even just sat at my window and looked outside. Look at the stars at night, talk to some friends. I want you to stay clean, Zan, because I love you. Everyone here at CHB supports you and wants you to stay clean. You know that you can text me whenever you want, or pm, email, call, whatever. I'm here for you, and I know you can come out of this okay. If you ever feel like cutting again, text me, or text or call another friend. I want you to get better, I can't handle you doing this kind of thing. I love you.
Beanie If you can't have Scott McCall, why bother?
Posts : 2101 Join date : 2011-06-12 Age : 24 Location : eternally stuck in Hades
Subject: Re: I don't really know lol Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:46 pm
Zan -
don't do this to yourself. You might be upset, or angry, but that gives you no reason to hurt yourself. I'm not kidding. You're worth more than that. When I'm angry or sad, I do physical activity to calm myself down. It makes me feel better. Try that. (even though we don't talk that much, I still care)
Charlie Skye's Minion
Posts : 266 Join date : 2011-11-10 Age : 28 Location : With the cats.
Subject: Re: I don't really know lol Fri Dec 14, 2012 6:49 pm
I'm gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket... Sorry, that just came into my head when you wrote 'thrift store'. Anyway zan babbu, I honestly can't say I know what you're going through. But I care about you and I don't want you going through something like this. You've got the love girl.
If you can find things in your life which you enjoy, which I know you can, then just think about those whenever you're contemplating it. Throw yourself into those when it gets tempting. And always remember that this is only one moment in a long life of moments and that there are people who care for you. Cutting won't help, it'll just make it worse. Doing things you enjoy and talking to people you like will help. I'm here if you ever want to talk, assuming it's not 2 am in NZ /salts happily
Subject: I don't really know lol 
Sun Dec 09, 2012 1:56 am
