Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of romance, or sexual desire. I joke and say like oh yeah I'd tap that, and it sounds fantastic in theory. But when it comes down to it, I've never found much of that appealing. I've tried things here and there, but none of it's really..fun? Or even something I feel like doing. Like I have an extreme apathy towards it all. In fiction, awesome, yes, heck yes it's cute and I love it. When it happens to me? Nothing. When a genuinely good guy shows up, sticks around, cares, expresses feelings, I feel nothing.
I felt something, feel something for a guy I haven't seen since August. I've been "in love" with him since the 8th grade. But I've never been able to put my finger on what it is about him that I'm actually attracted to. He's not particularly nice, so smart that you can't understand his jokes or what he's saying, arrogant, unsociable, and rather plain. Not even an attractive body or face, save for maybe his jawline. But I've been attached to this guy for years, and I wanted to be with him. But my mom proposed an idea to me a while back that I've been thinking of more and more recently: that I'm not in love with the boy, but I'm in love with the idea of being in love with the boy. When it comes down to it? I'm looking for relationships or just something to lust for, but not actually searching. I'm looking for fun, and sure, I'll try it, but thus far my experiences have left me bored and pleasureless. Recently I've been wondering if I'm asexual, or possibly demisexual, where I'd have to make an emotional connection to the person before I can actually have any fun.
But it seems like more than that, because Caleb and Jim and Zac and Tom are texting me, wondering what's up, how I've been, if I want to hang out, eat dinner or skateboard or play guitar or whatever. They want hugs and touchy feely things that I can't find myself having the desire to return. With anyone. Not friends, not family, not people. My cats maybe, but that's in a completely platonic way. I mean, they're balls of fluff that purr when you pet them. Why wouldn't you want to snuggle? But people? If I get to be big spoon or little spoon or if we're doing something romantic like looking up at the stars or just talking about anything in the dead of night, when he wraps his arms around me I feel nothing. And then I question why I'm alone, and whether I will be this way forever. Whether I want to be this way forever.
And you see these photos and quotes and drawings that people all over the world make about the concept of love and how valuable it is in our lives. How both monsters and men are capable of this one, overwhelmingly beautiful, passionate feeling. It's everywhere. Ubiquitous. If it breathes, it feels love. And most of the time I feel like I don't, and my over-curious self wants to know just what it feels like. Maybe I have felt it and I don't know it. That would suck, because then it's not really all I thought it would be. But I have the sneaking suspicion that I've never been in love, and I'm extremely afraid that I never will be. Makes me feel kind of robotic.
Subject: Robots Don't Have Hearts 
Fri Oct 26, 2012 12:16 pm
