Carry On [Banana's Rollercoaster]

Subject: Carry On [Banana's Rollercoaster] Mon Oct 22, 2012 6:25 am

Let me see on where to start eh?

My life is terrible. I can't entirely say that it is a mess, since I've heard people with worse stories than mine. And that just adds to the building guilt in my chest that I can't take off! It's just so frustrating to, you know, be alive when all you want to do is crawl inside a hole and die. But of course, you don't know that right? Life is different with each person, and how can you understand if you don't even know what it's like to be in my shoes.

-Sigh- I guess I'm just frustrated with everything. I didn't mean to be- well- mean. It's hard. No matter the words people say to keep moving and hold on, let's face it, it's easier to say than to be done. The nights aren't much less colder once people realize that I've been going down hill, and usually, it's always too late when they even notice.

I don't want to admit. Hell I can't bring myself to the awareness of the dangers of being too depressed. I'm slipping too far away from help that I can't stand them when they ask what's wrong. Where should I begin anyways?! I want to be selfish, greedy, I want to, for once think about myself without caring what others think. I've been into too many timesthat people take me for granted and just leave me behind to fix the wreckage and I don't want to be on the end of a broken heart. Is it so much to ask? Do I have to do a blood pact to show them I'm broken in every form and way? Do they even care? I think I've convinced them enough that the fake smile I wear every single day of my life is the genuine smile, but it isn't. And the sad part? I've lived with it that I believe the lie too. I believe that there isn't tomorrow and the nights that are longer are the nights that I feel itching to cut away from society, from friends, FROM EVERYONE. I don't want a perfect life, I want a life where there isn't a day I'd think these thoughts and just break free. To not live everyday where everyone expects so much from you. Because they can't live to see you sad, where the only bright light is a dim and fake one. People say I'm the happiest person alive. The happiest ones are the saddest right? Especially me, who has a knack of screwing things up.

"Right. Sad story, boo me. Get back in the hole where you came from loser. You're 15, life's not ending so just go away." Happy thoughts right? Everyday. It hurts, and the pain doesn't stop, no matter how hard I cry or try. It can't.

I don't understand people. I've broken down far too many times this week and it's eating me up to a point where everytime someone asks if I'm okay I cry. And I don't wantto cry, because I'm not weak. I'm not saying crying is weak, but my family believes that I shouldn't cry because it's a tough life and life's about to get rougher. Funny, I'm the one they always talk about staying head strong when they don't even realize the fact that I've been taping the world together with hopeless promises. Riight.

I'm not hoping you'd understand. But I appreciate the effort on reading.
Really do. I jus needed to blow off steam okay?
If I don't screw it again, I'll tell you about the basketball game I'll play tomorrow.

-Candice, 15

Guest

Well Death I don't think you should think like that because you're an awesome person and an amazing friend, and you're funny and you're nice. So really you shouldn't even think about what other people think of you, because you should always know its the same thing, and that's what I just typed in the last sentence.

Subject: Re: Carry On [Banana's Rollercoaster] Mon Oct 22, 2012 8:28 am

I really feel honored and better for you actually reading and taking the time to voice out your opinions Zelly. A reason why I really am lucky to have friends here. Honestly, I would be lying if I said it didn't matter.

But something nags me though. You guys know me as funny. Lively. Lately, I'm not. I cried myself to sleep and had to go to school with blood shot eyes- which a guy I really like found it weird since I keep on wincing- and I love you but can't help but feel discouraged on everything. Life's being an ass, in short.

Asdfjkl; I wish I could just stay online forever.

Subject: Re: Carry On [Banana's Rollercoaster] Mon Oct 22, 2012 12:15 pm

Banana /hugs

I can kind of relate. My lifes been hectic lately. Bullying has slowed down a bit for me but, now its family matters. My sisters being a real ass lately. If you could see the looks she gives me or how she punches me, you want to slap her. Anyway, I sincerely hope this gets better for you. Lifes full of ups and downs. Things can only go up from here right? Right.

Subject: Re: Carry On [Banana's Rollercoaster] Wed Dec 12, 2012 9:48 am

Yepee doodles, it's time for another shot on ranting! *confetti everywhere*

Alright, I have actually a reason to rant right now. Basketball's a routine of mine. Really awesome like that but right now it stinks. Like really. Next week is our finals for the third quarters and I'm supposed to studying my ass of so I can at least pass math, but no- I had to practice for the semis on a tournament we are currently having for saturday. So, fine bring it on. It was alright. Someone was actually my inspiration today to actually do my best. Carry on.

But then there goes mom.

Mom, really sweet and amazing but definately someone you should wake up screaming at 6 am and tell her that you're late, since she's THAT much of a late kind of person. Mom PROMISED to pick us up, demanding to NOT go home without her. I agreed and waited at the rendezvous at 5:30 pm. What did she do? Oh she just SHOWED UP AT 9 PM ASKING ME IF I HAD DINNER AND GETTING MAD FOR NOT EATING. Pfffft, I told her I was gonna eat at home, either if there are left overs or not. So okay, that was that. I tried to be non hostile even if I'm on the brink of breaking down and/or fume with anger. I swear my sister actually moved back cause she thought I might throw a tantrum or something. Which I don't do often. So anyways, it's 10 pm, I just got home WITH MY SISTER AND WITHOUT MY MOM since she decided to be kind and 'leave earlier than me cause I've got things to do'. So to wrap it up, she made us wait five hours to go to our meeting place and call a cab, which we could've done earlier, and be left back there to play a board game with her friends.

-breathes-

So that's my afternoon. My morning is a little bit better, but with a twinge of jealousy and teenage lovefest that I myself find it both boring and entertaining.

Probably a good laugh by how complicated, but I'm just going to wing this and end since I'm procrastinating, in desperate need of a bath, supposed to finish a project and need some sleep. Okay, thanks for tuning in!
~Banana

» help me to carry the fire--- private
» How did I carry Y'all??? [private to sniggle and Tortuga]
» stories no books have the spine to carry