You Probably Don't Want to Hear This . . .

Okay, so yesterday, I was thinking about how screwed up my family is and stuff. Both my grandfathers died before I was born, I never really knew my dead grandmother because she had Alzheimers all my life. And what's more, I didn't cry when she died. Now, it's making me feel guilty. My only living grandparent is doing too well either. Let's see, she's had colon cancer, and two strokes. She's ninety-one and has basically given up on living. I hate the way my half sister raises her kids. I hate it. It's not right. My mom and dad are separate and I live with my mom, but my mom doesn't make any move to try and bond with me, and when I suggest we do something, it's "I'm too busy."

I recently found out that I also have a heart murmur. My mom tried to hide it from me for twelve years. She didn't even take me to get ultra sounds on my heart once a year, which is what I'm supposed to do. I was freaking out yesterday because I started getting chest pains. But then I looked it up and chest pains is one of the 'side effects' of having a heart murmur. But I was still scared about it, for the first time in my life. But now I know why I can't swim under water as long as other people. #ShortnessOfBreath/TroubleBreathing

And I said some things that weren't exactly what I meant to say, and the offended people. And even though I apologized, I still feel guilty abut it. I just don't know what to do anymore. In church today, I almost cried because I was contemplating ending my life. But I won't, just because that's not right. There are so many other things wrong with my life that I never want to talk about. But basically my social life consists of going to school and church. So you can imagine when the topics I usually talk about are my faith, school, and . . . Pokemon.

Again, I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like such a terrible person. I came on this site to end all my issues with the world, but now it feels like they're all coming back.

EDIT/

Also, I don't know how many of you I've hurt, but I do know I've hurt some:

"I know i'm not a perfect friend,
You're broken heart, i've tried to mend.
Instead i made you hurt and cry,
Maybe i should say goodbye.
Would it be better for me to go?,
I asked you, and you said "No".
Why say no when i hurt you so bad,
But believe me,
you're not the only one that's sad.
I made my best friend hurt like mad,
If i left would you be glad?.
Deep in my heart,
I'll always know,
I'll love you always,
Even if i go!"
- Chrissie

I feel bad for you, I could help you with advice, and it's because I don't want to see people suffer. So here it goes, Did you confront your mother, face-to-face, ask her why. If she doesn't agree, be persistent. I'm not saying that she's a bad mother, I'm just saying that you should ask her why she hid your condition from you, why she didn't take you to get ultrasound. Have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Maybe she couldn't afford it, maybe she was scared. So to be short, open up to her. If it didn't work, I'm sorry. I did what I can do to help you out. Just pm me if you have any more problems, ok?