I just need to rant, okay? Okay.
So today my mom was getting at me. She said that I didn't have motivation. First of all, let me say how completely false this is. Her idea of "motivation" is waking up early to start the day. Well that's fine and dandy, but I go to bed at 6 in the morning. To her, if I'm not up promptly at 9:30am (in the freaking SUMMER) then I have no drive or motivation and will apparently utterly fail when I get to college.
She then proceeded to explain to me that she felt like she was dragging me to do anything. Okay. Okay sure. Woman... I go out almost everyday. I have two graphic design jobs that I'm doing. And all that I ask is that you let me have my late night computer time and me sleeping in until at least 12pm. That's still only giving me six hours of sleep, but whatever. None of my friends are up this early, so I can't do anything but work anyways. And if I had to get up early to work, I would do it. I would have something to get up for and I wouldn't just be sitting around in my house waiting for my friends to knock on my door. So I am completely motivated, mother. And yes I know I'll have to adjust my sleeping schedule once college starts, but I won't have CHB to keep me up at night, problem solved.
After she finished her speech about how she wishes I was self-motivated, which I am, I came back with a polite suggestion. And I do mean polite. I suggested that perhaps she needs to loosen her leash on me a bit, because it's so damn tight right now I can't even try to prove that I do things on my own. Despite the fact that I have no idea where she got the idea that I didn't have any motivation, I gave this friendly suggestion.
She then proceeded...to flip the crap out. She pointed to me sitting on the couch watching TV and said that I should be out with friends, not "wasting my life away with technology".
Pfft. Says the woman who is either on her laptop or on her iPhone ALL THE TIME.
I then explained to her that, in this thing called summer, teenagers sleep until 3pm. If she was going to make me get up at 9:30am, I would not have anyone to go be "social" with for seven hours. (And I do go out with my friends quite a bit. Even if it's just sitting in the field snapping photos of each other, we do stuff.)
She then said I was talking back and got mad. She got mad at ME because MY FRIENDS don't get up early. I'm just sitting their flabbergasted. At this point I just have no idea how to react. This anger at me came out of no where, and now it's not even about me. She then stormed off (down to her room. How mature. I bet she slammed the door) As she was walking towards the stairs I heard her mutter the following phrase that has ruined my entire day and made me sob uncontrollably.
"18 years of my life wasted on that *****"
...Wow. Just... That's just great. I broke down crying. I'm pretty sure I used a whole box of tissues. Me and my mom fight, but she's never said anything like that. Well I stopped wanting to cry on my couch, so I decided to go outside for a little walk. The woods behind my house always calms me down... So I head out there, no shoes on by the way, and just sort of trek through until I've relaxed. My sobbing had stopped, though probably because I ran out of tears. So I started back to my house. When I reached the back deck my mom walked outside. She didn't yell, she didn't apologize. She just said "Why're you crying?"
Are you kidding me?! Just because you muttered under your breath doesn't mean I didn't hear what you said! Seriously, this is the part that really irks me. If she came out and apologized, I'd be fine. I'd be hurt, but I know that she most likely said it in anger and now regrets it. But to just pretend nothing happened?! Are you joking?!
I was infuriated at this point. Pretending like you didn't just call your own daughter a waste... That's just low. So I called her out on it. Here's how this conversation went:
Me: "I heard what you said, you know."
Her: "...What are you talking about? Oh. I did swear on the way downstairs. I'm sorry." (Yeah. I'm crying because you swore. Nice deflection.)
Me: "You said that I wasted 18 years of your life!"
Her: "Yes I did say that."
...Yes I did say that? THAT'S IT?! No apology, not even a sorry look. Just a straight face and "Yes I did say that." I couldn't take it. I just turned, now once again finding that I had more tears left, and walked away. I sort of hid in the woods until I heard the garage open and saw her drive away. I went inside.
She came back, apparently this was a perfect time to go to the grocery store. I went down to help her, even though at this point she didn't deserve it. She didn't even say thank you. She barely acknowledged my presence other than to leave the garage door open instead of slamming in it my face.
Do you know what it's like to have your own mother tell you that you're a waste? My mother, that person that's supposed to be there for you. She's supposed to be the one that's kind and nice. She's not supposed to make you cry like this.
And to top it all off: My dad called during our silence. She was at her computer and I was just sort of sitting on the couch. She answered the phone cheerfully! FREAKING CHEERFULLY. And then she said "Stephanie went for a little walk in the woods." A little walk. Yeah that's what I was doing. It's not like you basically said you wished I was never here and then proceeded to pretend like it never happened and now even apologize.
This has been the worst day ever. And I just got new glasses and I put them on while I was crying cause I don't like crying with contacts and the new lenses got all spotted from tears and it won't come off and they're brand new and I peaosghiaesnioaegoinbaeginoaevbinoaevion baevwinobvabeiosbnoivaebiobeavionegioqoibqve
I just can't handle this anymore. I'm done. I can't wait for August to come. I need to get out of this house.
Subject: Wow, okay thanks. 
Thu Jul 12, 2012 4:44 pm
