There's something missing

Subject: There's something missing Thu Apr 19, 2012 12:07 am

I don't get it.

What an interesting way to start off,

I.. do.. not.. understand.. Simple words for a complex meaning.

I should be happy, I have the highest GPA I've ever had, I'm going on vacation on Friday, both my brothers are doing well and being safe while enlisted. My friends on my MC server are doing great, my HG site is growing by the day.

So what am I missing? I've had a feeling as I do now, that I shouldn't be happy.

My exact thoughts right now; "I don't know why I'm feeling this. Time to write another essay, where to put it, teachers don't care. I'll put it on CHB, I like getting feedback from them, especially that Ghost guy, that reminds me of one of my old characters. Oh right, I'm writing now."

I have everything I need to be happy, I should be happy, but I'm not? So why?

After much deliberation, and a few seconds of analyzing my own consciousness, I've come to an important conclusion, this conclusion has led me to believe why I try so hard in life, why, I'm not happy, it answers my personal question of "Why" if that makes any sense. I don't mean on the literal level, I'm talking metaphysical. My own set of life questions, here's the answer to the why.

First off, I've determined that it is only my human instinct to want to be remembered, to WANT to be thought about after I'm gone for good, for people to be saying "I wonder whatever happened to that Sno guy, he was a cool cat." I want to be remembered for the same reason people don't want to be forgotten, because you want to make yourself stand out in other peoples minds, you want to leave your mark for others to find, wether it be 2 days or 2 centuries from now.

I don't know if it's merely my mind that thinks this way, I don't read minds or pretend to understand how others think. Indeed I often find myself pondering the question when I'm in Spanish class. "Well, I translate things to English for them to make sense. Uno = One. So how do they do it, does me saying One mean Uno to them?"

I know my writing is often jumbled and scattered but bare with me.

If it's not only my mind telling me to make myself memorable, then do other people also think this and just choose to act on it differently? More importantly, what do I want to be remembered for? How will I be remembered? Certainly Inan is remembered as a Legend, so what does that make me in comparison to him? Am I worthy to have the Legend title while talking to him? Whose to say, cause to be honest I have no idea, this is only what I've determined from thinking on myself.

On to the second part. Why am I not happy? After much deliberation with this as well I've narrowed it down to 2 main functions. The first being is my friends are unhappy. I said long ago I deemed my role in life to be one who talks to others, to be the sponge to absorb heartache and pain and take that away from them, because no matter how much they dished out, I would be strong enough to take it. So if my friends are unhappy, does that mean I'm not doing my job? Am I not strong enough? Or is it another reason altogether? (In this case it is.)

The second reason being that I cling to the past. I remember way back when, I remember what things used to be, how great they were before such & such happened. So why is this a problem you might think? Easy, sometimes the past is more painful, or worse than the present. Why do I think the past is better, it falls do, I'm not living in the present, or the present outshines the past so much I can't help but think I want to go back to what I had.

Revisiting the end of my previous paragraph, I know it's another reason, because it happens to be a reason that I can't help. I can't help. Now there's a series of letters I don't see often. Wether it be my trouble comprehending the meaning behind those strings of characters, or my lack of understanding that I'm truly helpless, there is in actuality, NOTHING, I can do.

I don't know about you guys, but that scares the crap out of me.

~/•°•x.:Deuces:.x•°•\~
Snow

Posts : 140 Join date : 2011-12-10

Don't be scared Sno... I know things may be rough and believe me. Right now I'm in a similar predicament with the whole past being better thing. My old friend, Sam, who used to go to my school but then moved to Idaho has come back to visit recently. Now before she left we used to do everything together. I was like a sibling to her but now she acts as if she hates me and she won't even let me talk to her to find out why. I honestly just wish I could go back to the way things were but I know that can't do that so I have to just move on in my life and make her be just somebody that I used to know and sever the connection I had with her. It will be painful but I have to do it and so do you. You have to sever the connection to the pain you feel. Not necessarily getting rid of your friends but focusing on making yourself happy instead of worrying so much about the other people. Sure, worry about their unhappiness but don't make yourself unhappy because of it otherwise your unhappiness will just make them more unhappy.

Subject: Re: There's something missing Thu Apr 19, 2012 4:31 am

Hey Sno, I get you. I just have these little words to try to help you/my own thoughts.

Firstly: People really do want to be remembered, one way or another. Why do you have your own style? Why do you like music that hurts another person's ears? Why do you live your life so unlike others? Because you want to stand out. People would always- one way or another- want to feel special and unique. Sometimes, they just want attention- not in a bad way- but in a way that they're not easily forgotten. I know I want to stand out myself, and you know what? It isn't really bad, doing the things you do. It just makes you human, and in an over cliché statement, it make you you. You might not be as ledgendary as Inan, or as sweet as CB or anyone else, but one way or another, somewhere, you'd at least touch the life of someone, and in it's own little way, it's kind of comforting, you know?

Secondly: Well, like it or not, the past hurts. There are times that you just want to beat yourself up for things you've done, or people you've hurt. Sometimes if you like to, you'd stay up all night just wondering what would happen if certain things just ended up the way it should be right? I know I want a universal controller just like everyone else. But the thing is, bad things always happen, and sometimes there are just things you can't do about it. If your ice cream fell on the floor, cry all you want but it would never make the ice cream back in your cone/hand/bowl/spoon/notebook. Only thing to do is just accept it and move on, you know? How hard it is, well, it had happened. Move on. Life's not all fun and games, an I admit it's never near fair, but you just can't sit down and say, "Hell with it!" cause one way or another, living in the past would always make you more depressed and less...you know.

Gah, I'm weirdly screwing up some explaination here. Sorry. But I hope you get my point.

~Banana

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