Bonjour my friends. It's usually not like me to rant, I mean, I haven't had to rant for a while, but I need to now. I'm not sure if I'd call it a rant....more like I just need to vent and typing it out helps me, you know? Anyways.
Alright. 2011 has brought me many hardships. My depression terrorized me throughout the better part of the year, I started cutting for the first time, went through a few rocky relationships and rejections, and realized one of the sources of my problems was someone I really loved. I went through bullying and emotional scarring, almost committed suicide a few times, but I still made it through he year and was hoping to start freshly. But recently I've realized something.....
I feel empty. No matter how many people are around me. No matter how many of you are talking to me, I feel alone. I feel cold. I seem to shiver when it's warm and feel like there's something missing in my life. I still can't seem to find what it is and it's aggravating me. And Max, please don't take offense to this, but I'm still having trouble getting over Rhymer. We had a lot of really heart-warming memories that won't get out of my head.
Lately my depression had gotten worse. I felt so horrible the other night I threw up out of pure despair. I couldn't go out with my friends because I felt like a pile of dung. My grades have also been dropping and that was pretty much the only thing I've had going for me. Homework used to be important to me, now I couldn't care less whether it gets done or not. I've become more popular which makes me happy but I feel like having friends is making my grades plummet. Not only that but I used to get A's no problem, now I study and take notes and pay close attention to the lessons and I can't seem to focus or grasp any of it.
But there's something else I have to worry about. I'm not.....straight, as most of you know. Coming to terms with my sexuality has taken a toll on my physically and emotionally. I want to come out but I'm scared of what everyone will think. I told my mom and a couple close friends and they didn't care. But my dad discriminates against gays and those who aren't straight so I'm nervous about telling him. I'm already his life's disappointment. I was the only son of 5 children. My dad wanted a son who played sports. I came out a singer. Knowing I'm not even straight would make him snap.
And I'm too busy helping out my friends' depression and other issues I don't have time for myself. I make others a priority and my homework, my own issues, and my health aren't important. My mom and dad worry about me and I'm always making people worry about me. I feel helpless and feeble.
I'm not looking for advice I just needed to get this out. It's disorganized but I really don't care. I hope this doesn't change your view of me as a person or friend.