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 Guardyans of Fate: Preview

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MichioShirota



Posts : 141
Join date : 2011-03-03
Age : 24
Location : United States (Camp Half-Blood)

PostSubject: Guardyans of Fate: Preview   Sun Apr 03, 2011 8:51 am

The only thing that could be heard was the buffeting wind through the forest. Elly could be find lying in a tuft of grass not too far from a spear that impaled the ground. Blood poured from Elly's stomach and arms, and she coughed up blood.

Then she heard footsteps, and Kaine knelt beside her, his emerald eyes gleamed in the light of the sun. "Elly, what happened to you!?" he exclaimed. Elly was like a sister to Kaine, and he had known the battle took place in the woods.



Like? Comment please!
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moon
Elite Writer


Posts : 5592
Join date : 2011-02-16
Age : 18
Location : under the stairs

PostSubject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview   Sun Apr 03, 2011 9:05 am

Good but I would leave out " Blood poured from Elly's stomach and arms, and she coughed up blood." I'm not one of those people that can't look at blood, but it's just a little to in detail for me.
The rest is very very good. :D :D :D
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tethys
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Join date : 2010-05-13
Age : 18

PostSubject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview   Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:19 pm

It seems good! I'd love to read more.

About the "Blood poured from Elly's stomach and arms, and she coughed up blood." part; I think you need more detail, as opposed to what Artemismoon said. . . Something like, "Rivers of thick, red blood bubbled out of her torn stomach . . ." Don't copy it word for word. By the way, I'm joking . . . Unless, you want to add more detail, of course. :D
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moon
Elite Writer


Posts : 5592
Join date : 2011-02-16
Age : 18
Location : under the stairs

PostSubject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview   Sun Apr 03, 2011 6:31 pm

ha ha ha very funny Tethys, very funny :x jkjkjkjk :D
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MichioShirota



Posts : 141
Join date : 2011-03-03
Age : 24
Location : United States (Camp Half-Blood)

PostSubject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview   Tue Apr 05, 2011 2:37 pm

xD Lol guys.
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moon
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Posts : 5592
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Age : 18
Location : under the stairs

PostSubject: Re: Guardyans of Fate: Preview   Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:11 pm

XD lol :D :D
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