maddie ☹
Grammar Police
Posts : 3985
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 25
Location : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 |  Subject: The Many Shades of Green  Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:17 pm | |
| Suffering Obsession
The croaked coughs coming from your dry mouth shield what you’re trying to say. “What?” he asks, tilting his head sideways. You frown, and take another drag on the unhealthy addiction known as a cigarette. “Never mind...” you say after puffing out smoke. The frown never leaves his face as he asks another question.
“Why? Why do you smoke?”
The question pierced your ears, as if a cold needle had stuck your earlobe. His frown is a virus as it spreads from him to you, leaving your unhealthily pale face with a depressed scowl. The sickening cigarettes you enjoy left your body to the look of garbage. Rotten, smelly garbage. You never smile, your teeth are too corn-like to show. The gums holding up your broken teeth are turning purple, and are swelling like a black eye. Twelve years ago, you had long, beautiful, chocolate brown hair. Now, you have gray strands sticking out of your wrinkly scalp. You were never sick before, practically immune to getting any disease, you used to be maintaining a good figure. Everything changed. Everything. Now, you’ve gone to the hospital so many times, you’ve lost track, and you’ve let yourself go. You’re not you anymore.
“I’m suffering an obsession, don’t ask,” you replied, and moved the monster that ruined your life to your face. Staring at it, you thought about before this. Before you smoked. Sighing, you dropped the cigarette to the ground and smooshed it with your foot. The smoke from the remaining bits of fire traveled up to your nose. The horrible smell amused you, and you dug in your dirty coat’s pocket. Staring at the familiar box of Camel cigarettes that you dug out from the endless pit in the jacket called pocket, you opened the top. Taking out another life-killer, you look for him. He’s left. He couldn’t stand to see you like this. Alone, once more. Sighing, you brought the stick of disgust to your pale-pink lips, and took out your lighter. Flicking a fire onto the cigarette, you frown. You truly were suffering obsession.
K guys, I'll be posting four more these. I need these for a creative writing project, and comments and critiques are NEEDED, or I might fail D8
Last edited by Music on Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:33 pm; edited 2 times in total | |
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Nico
Chatbox Ruler
Posts : 5539
Join date : 2010-12-04
Age : 24
Location : your mom's house
| | Subject: Re: The Many Shades of Green Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:23 pm | |
| --I like it, but when he leaves, you might want to put more detail like: I looked back up but he was gone.
And then at the very end say: He wasn't there, so you had no one to judge you. No one but the pack of slow killers you couldn't get enough of. (Maybe not worded like that.)
But I have to say, I really like it.-- | |
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maddie ☹
Grammar Police
Posts : 3985
Join date : 2010-05-30
Age : 25
Location : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
| | Subject: Re: The Many Shades of Green Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:28 pm | |
| I edited it (not much, though). | |
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Nico
Chatbox Ruler
Posts : 5539
Join date : 2010-12-04
Age : 24
Location : your mom's house
| | Subject: Re: The Many Shades of Green Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:30 pm | |
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