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 living like i'm not alive [private]

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sapphire
Sardonic Twin


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Join date : 2011-12-17
Age : 21
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PostSubject: living like i'm not alive [private]   Tue Apr 19, 2016 2:20 pm

One year ago.

Gods, Raziel actually missed camp. To be able to admit that, even in her thoughts, well she must be drunk. Her friends definitely were, she could tell from their cheesy smiles and rambunctious laughter, but she just wasn't feeling it tonight. She stayed by the bar and sipped on the cocktail bought by some dude who gave her a wink across the dance floor, a gesture she replied with a forced smile. Raz couldn't even tell if he was hot - the flashing red and blue lights made every face a blur. She lost him easily in a sea of dancers, but she couldn't care less. There was only one face she wanted to see and it was buried far too deep for her to unearth. With a sigh, Raziel downed her drink in one go, setting her throat on fire and wishing the burn would whisk away her pain.
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a. schuyler
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Age : 18
Location : hell

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Tue Apr 19, 2016 2:41 pm

kalina nikolova.

Gods, how she hated nightclub bars.

Apparently, they hadn't changed in the time she had been apart from the land of the living. They were still dark, dank, and often sleazy -- and the smell of sweat and spilled drinks still worked together to make the air she was breathing in at every moment feel heavy. The strobe lights didn't help, either. Ever since her return, she'd had a lower tolerance than ever to brightness; she said it was due to her eyes being conditioned to the Underworld over the time she'd been gone, but really, the reason was unknown.

Nevermind that, though. Kalina had but one reason for being in a place she hated so much -- and it certainly wasn't for the good of her health. The trail she had been following had run cold, and though she had considered waiting outside or even coming back later, clothes changed and more presentable... she didn't want to risk being thrown back a few steps once more. She was going to find Raziel -- and though she had to brave the night scene in search of her and not a little bookstore, cd store, or even a supermarket... she would do it.

Brown eyes searched the crowd, taking in all of the dancing men and women, trying to spot familiar hair or clothes. Once or twice, she thought she spotted her -- but the girl would turn, and she would be left disappointed. An age seemed to pass before the crowd parted slightly, and through it, she saw an all too familiar figure throwing back a cocktail.

Nice for some.

It was a small task, then, to push through the patrons and reach Raziel. There was no hesitation; at the start of her search, Kalina had been fearful. She had considered every option for when she found the older girl, and a lot of the time she thought that maybe, it would be best to leave well enough alone. No more. The dark haired girl put a hand on the other's shoulder, nearly shouting over the music --

"Should have known I'd find a girl like you in a place like this, Raz!"

ooc:
tag: saph omg
words: who cares/knows not me



❝ we live in an age where everything is staged, where all we do is fake our feelings. i've been scared to put myself so out there, time is running out, need to let you know that -- last night i woke the F U C K up, realized i need you here, desperate as that sounds. ❞

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sapphire
Sardonic Twin


Posts : 2998
Join date : 2011-12-17
Age : 21
Location : neither here nor there

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Wed Apr 20, 2016 8:34 am

Raziel whipped around as a hand touched her shoulder. Good gods. She was drunk. She blinked once, twice and more, her eyelids fluttering as she squinted through the dim that occasionally flashed red and blue. Surely it was the alcohol clouding her eyes. It couldn't be Kali. Why, it would be a huge coincidence considering she had just been thinking about her and more importantly, she was dead. Raziel had seen the body and attended the funeral. Kalina Nikolova was dead.

Raziel watched this doppelganger's mouth move but she hardly heard anything with the music blaring in her ears. Trying to ignore the chill creeping down her spine, she carefully set her empty glass on the counter. Then, without sparing another glance at the other girl, Raziel sped off towards the dance floor. Maybe, she'd lose this girl in the crowd.

Raziel Swift was a daughter of a titan impervious to fire but she had never been as cold as she was now, the icy tendrils of fear pushing her away from the ghost she had seen.
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a. schuyler
Vampire Slayer


Posts : 2283
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Location : hell

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:03 pm

kalina nikolova.

She drank in the other's girl face. Imprinted it to memory within but a moment, the flashing lights an issue which she tried not to let hindrance her too much. She made a habit of saving details, now; noting the color of other people's eyes, their hair, the freckles across their nose. It was just lucky, really, that she was so focused on taking in the face of her half-sister which was so familiar, but so far from the same. Kali noticed the change in Raziel, the shock, the denial, and though she didn't realize what the other was doing in time -- she was far from unprepared when the other whirled around and ran, disappearing into the crowd.

Kalina took but a second to make her own decision, mind racing to one conclusion -- she had come too far now to let Raziel Swift slip between her fingers. The older girl was too important to her; the only half-sister she had, the only family who could ever know she was still alive and kicking. She wasn't going to lose her, not now... preferably, if the other would allow, not ever. Kalina hesitated no longer, breaking into as fast a run as she could in such a crowded building, swerving around mortal elbows and legs and other assorted body parts. Raz had a head start, but Kali was fast on her heels, too focused now to lose her for too long in the crowd. At one point, the other's hair disappeared, and her heart seemed to stop -- but she reappeared within a second, and Kalina took the chance to cut her off, practically cornering her on the opposite side of where they'd originally been standing in the room.

"Can you stop?--" Her chest heaved, the act of having to weave in and out of the crowd more exhausting than the actual chase had been, "And talk to me, for two minutes? I've been looking everywhere for you."



❝ we live in an age where everything is staged, where all we do is fake our feelings. i've been scared to put myself so out there, time is running out, need to let you know that -- last night i woke the F U C K up, realized i need you here, desperate as that sounds. ❞

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sapphire
Sardonic Twin


Posts : 2998
Join date : 2011-12-17
Age : 21
Location : neither here nor there

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:30 pm

Perhaps it had not been the best idea. Now that she was actually part of the crowd she previously just observed, the mixture of alcohol and sweat nearly drove Raziel up the wall. Maybe it would have, under normal circumstances. Not tonight, however. Tonight her repulsion gave way to a stronger feeling manifesting in the goosebumps breaking out on the skin of her arms and neck, in the ice that quenched the fiery spirit Raziel was known for having. Living in a world where myths were truth, it was almost ironic that she was scared of ghosts... or perhaps, just this one.

And this particular one was difficult to shake off. So it wasn't just her mind now that was being haunted, was it? Her eyes would have to deal with it too, along with the rest of her senses? Raziel took a step back just as Kali reappeared, cornering her. Her lips mashed together, the hands on her sides slightly trembled. Her breaths came in shallow, both because of the girl she believed to be an apparition and the fact that she had just braved a sea of sweaty patrons. This time, the music softened just enough to transition into another upbeat tune, and Raziel heard clearly. But then, she gave the most unexpected response. She laughed.

"Great, just great. I mean it's just what I expected - another nightmare becoming a reality. So! Where do you want to start? Blaming me for being a horrible sister? Maybe for your death? Maybe you want to go all the way back to that humiliating day in the amphitheatre?" Raziel gave another dry laugh. "Come on. Have a go. Ruin my waking hours the way you did my sleep."
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a. schuyler
Vampire Slayer


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Age : 18
Location : hell

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:51 pm

kalina nikolova.

The idea that she was an apparation was ridiculous to Kalina; but then again, she wasn't the girl standing in front of a previously dead half-sister. The thought that this would be strange, for want of a much stronger word, had never crossed her mind. She had assumed it would be easy as saying hello and sinking back into the hate-hate-love relationship they had shared before -- clearly, that was going to be easier thought than actually achieved.

"I'm not a nightmare, Raziel," it seemed like something which went without saying to the brunette, but obviously, that was just to her. Guilt flooded her veins, and her heart strings pulled -- she hadn't ever thought about what it would be like for Raziel. Mainly, because she hadn't believed for a second that she would even miss her. Aside from once or twice, she hadn't thought the other even liked her... if anything, she assumed that she resented her, because with Kalina's existence Raziel was no longer the sole child of Hyperion.

Kalina took a step closer. "You should know, I would never blame for any of those things. Ever. And there was nothing you could have done about my death, Raziel," voice reasonable as it could be when she had to call over the music, Kali reached forward and put a hand on Raziel's shoulder -- like she'd tried to do before (though she didn't remember that), after her funeral, only this time it would be felt, "I'm not here to ruin anything. I'm just here for my sister."



❝ we live in an age where everything is staged, where all we do is fake our feelings. i've been scared to put myself so out there, time is running out, need to let you know that -- last night i woke the F U C K up, realized i need you here, desperate as that sounds. ❞

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sapphire
Sardonic Twin


Posts : 2998
Join date : 2011-12-17
Age : 21
Location : neither here nor there

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Wed Apr 20, 2016 1:25 pm

'I'm not a nightmare, Raziel...' But she was, she had been for the past two years. There was no such thing as a good night's sleep for Raz anymore. All the remorse she'd felt crept in her dreams, soiling them, twisting Kali's words into swords that hit so close to home. As a result she wandered from bar to bar, drink to drink, looking for a steady poison to kill the demons in her mind, when all it did was kill her instead.

But here was Kali soothing her, speaking words of reassurance that were so against the words she kept hearing in her head. Raziel felt the hand on her shoulder bringing warmth instead of cold, a living hand instead of the decayed one that shook her shoulders in her dreams. Raziel stood still, a statue before the dead. Icy fear snaked around her heart. It was the ice that slowly cracked her apart. Kali had no idea, and it was that fact made Raziel smile hollowly.

"You're wrong, you know. I could've done it. I could've stopped you from dying." Her voice were hardly audible in the din, but if Kali was close enough she would hear the words Raz never uttered to anyone else, words that caused her nightmares for years. She didn't seem to realize the tears pooling in her eyes, not enough to run down her cheeks but just enough to make them shine. She took a deep breath, and her voice became softer still.

"That night you stood guard, it should have been me."
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a. schuyler
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Age : 18
Location : hell

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Sat Apr 23, 2016 6:42 am

kalina nikolova.

She wanted, in that moment, to do nothing more than soothe the older girl. Camp gossips had told her how Raziel had changed after her death -- but she hadn't believed them. Couldn't believe them. This was the girl who had cared very little for her in her life, or at least, that's what she had thought. Kalina had never had any reason to believe otherwise, when all she ever got from Raz were short replies and guaranteed quick exits. To see that there had been some truth to over dramatic words shocked her more than anything, but inspired a need to make her okay again. To fix whatever she had done by her untimely death -- to fix Raziel.

Kalina was close enough.

She wished she wasn't.

The words cut deep -- strangely so. Kalina was at peace with her past, and everything that had happened. There was no one she blamed for her death, aside from her own stupidity and the monster that had gored her. That night, in her mind, could never have played out in any other way, and that was okay.

The words shook her, but not for long.

Suddenly, she knew what had caused Raziel so much pain, what made her eyes shine so bright in the strobe lights. Guilt. Wasn't it a feeling that she had been all too familiar with? Kalina had once carved a home for herself in her guilt, allowing herself to fall into permanent suffering. She had drank. She had engaged in a world of dumb stunts, like cliff diving, or lying in a road and waiting for the cars to come. She had suffered, and never had she ever felt more close to Raziel because all of a sudden, she understood.

Kalina didn't hesitate in throwing her arms around the other, pulling her close, head resting against the top of Raziel's. Her voice now was loud enough only for the other girl to hear over the music, and as she said them, she did something she'd never done before -- please, Dad. Hyperion, whatever. Please... help me. Do your fatherly duty, for once. For Raziel.

"That night, someone was going to die... I -- I was going to die. And you can't give yourself credit for that, Raziel -- it wasn't decided by you not going on watch. Everyone knows that the fates are cruel mistresses, and everyone knows that when a person is destined to die, there's nothing that can be done to change what's been woven into their thread," her voice was nothing if not reasonable, though there was a slight waver to it, "Kakvo shte bŭde, shte bŭde. What will be, will be. It's time that you stop feeling guilty for something you never stood a chance of stopping. You've suffered enough, sister."




❝ we live in an age where everything is staged, where all we do is fake our feelings. i've been scared to put myself so out there, time is running out, need to let you know that -- last night i woke the F U C K up, realized i need you here, desperate as that sounds. ❞

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sapphire
Sardonic Twin


Posts : 2998
Join date : 2011-12-17
Age : 21
Location : neither here nor there

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Sat Apr 23, 2016 7:56 am

When Kali threw her arms around her, Raziel stiffened. She expected her to be cold, as though plunged into icy water - weren't ghosts that way? But it was the same with Kali's hand, warm like a hearth that welcomed her home. In a flurry of shock, sadness and confusion, Raz couldn't find it in herself to hug her half-sister back. It made her think of the time before Kali's death, where the most interactions they had were within the confines of stolen vodka and occasionally practice spars where they didn't exchange words. Back then, Raz would scoff at the idea of hugging anyone much less Kalina, because it just wasn't worth the image she conjured for herself. But now they were in the mortal world, far from any campers' eyes, rendering that image worthless.

When Kalina spoke, Raziel found herself hearing the words she had longed to hear since Kali's death, but now she had a hard time believing them. Raziel had always liked to believe that she was in control of her destiny, not ancient ladies that snipped strings. Accepting that would mean that Kalina would have died no matter what, and somehow the fact unsettled Raziel more than the possibility that she could have saved her sister's life. Over two years she dreamt of blames, cries that it was all her fault - hearing it so much in her head hardened it into the cold hard truth.

Raziel pushed hard at this bizarre apparition that could touch her, breaking free of the hug. To think that she was drunk enough to have this hallucination. It was all the same - Kalina Nikolova was dead. Raziel wasn't ever going to see her again, end of story. She had already gone through the five stages of grief and accepted that, even though it still felt like getting stabbed through the heart repeatedly for the past two years.

Whoever it was in front of her - it wasn't Kalina. It couldn't. And Raziel was done letting her toy with what was left of her emotions.

"You're doing a damn good job impersonating Kalina," Raziel seethed, glaring her down through not-quite tears. "Who are you?"
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a. schuyler
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PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Mon Apr 25, 2016 3:26 pm

kalina nikolova.
Once, she had wondered what would happen if she wrapped her arms around the girl she was, at the moment, holding close. She'd wondered what it would even be like, considering how tough as nails Raziel was, how she didn't seem the hug type. But holding her close didn't feel weird, which was what she expected -- it felt like when she clung to Yana after a long day for one or both of them, arms wrapping around her waist easily, intention only to comfort.

Maybe she got more of that from it than Raz did. After all, it wasn't possible to hug away sadness -- much as one could wish, that was a feeling which couldn't be washed away by something as small as a hug. Pain. Misery. Sadness, and most importantly, guilt, weren't extinguished by anything as inconsequential as wrapping your arms around a person and holding them until things just became better. That wasn't how the world worked. You worked for your happiness, every single day -- and it was always unfair, how easy it was to slip into a pit of despair.

But for the moment, at least, maybe they could be content.

Or maybe, just like always, the fates had weaved another twist into the tale of the two sisters.

Kalina had no reason to keep her guard up; and so, without expecting it, she was easily pushed away. Hurt flashed across her expression briefly, but was quickly replaced by something which resembled pity. Could she blame her? Would she be so easily swayed by a warm body and kind words, if the situation was reversed?

Not at all. So she couldn't expect the same from Raziel.

With the patience of a God, Kali appealed to the older girl, voice soothing. "It's me. It's me, Raz -- who would want to impersonate little 'ol me, anyway?" The corners of her lips twitched in answer to her own joke, but a smile never blossomed; it was too tense a moment for that. "You have to believe me. I can touch you, for Zeus' sake -- isn't that reason enough to believe me?"

"... What can I say to you, that will make you realize that this..." she gestured to herself, scruffy clothes and all, "Is me? Just tell me what to do, Raziel, and I'll do it -- I'll do anything, for you to believe me."

ooc: when ur coding lowkey hates u ignore the mess




❝ we live in an age where everything is staged, where all we do is fake our feelings. i've been scared to put myself so out there, time is running out, need to let you know that -- last night i woke the F U C K up, realized i need you here, desperate as that sounds. ❞

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sapphire
Sardonic Twin


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Join date : 2011-12-17
Age : 21
Location : neither here nor there

PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:19 am

It was Kalina's face despite the flashing red and blue. It was Kalina's body that had been so warm when she held Raziel in her arms. It was Kalina's voice that stood out in the wild upbeat music that everyone around them danced to.

And yet.

"Kalina Nikolova is dead," Raziel said through gritted teeth. "She was killed two years ago. I saw her corpse. I attended her funeral. I can tell you where exactly her grave is."

Her hands clenched into fists beside her. The red light threw her scowl into focus. Around her, a patron wiped the sweat off her brow and another used the front of his shirt to fan himself - not knowing that the rise in temperature had nothing to do with the club's air conditioning. But Raziel had no eyes for anyone else but the girl in front of her. "Don't you dare tell me that you're Kali. The Kali I know is long gone."
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PostSubject: Re: living like i'm not alive [private]   Today at 3:08 am

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