are you going to age with grace --- [mcsarah]

sunsets reminded archer of the explosion. of the fire. of his families deaths. the red scars that flew across the dusty blueish purple were the flames that engulfed his house, the black at the bottom the ashes and the emptiness his heart had felt after all was said and done. that was why archer hated sunsets, and it was also why nighttime was his favorite time, because it related with the legend so much more than the daytime. daytime, with all its opportunities and joys, didn’t know the struggle that the demigod had been going through. the night did. archer had always tried to be an opportunist, to take life by the reins and carve a mountain for yourself, to do the very best he could do, but for some reason, his thrill for life was slowly draining away from him, like a sponge that was losing water. he didn’t know the reason for it. archer set the thermos on the floor, finding that it didn’t help him after all. he remembered suddenly that he hadn’t offered tessa any. “i have hot chocolate if you want some. it’s in the thermos, i’m not sick.” he signed, turning his attention back to the movie. truthfully archer hadn’t been paying attention, so he couldn’t say wether he liked the movie or not, but it was tessa’s night. her night to grieve, her night to cry, her night to remember her regrets. archer was just a spectator in the whole ordeal, and he didn’t matter. 

“if i think something’s wrong with you, can i come to you about it? can i ask you if i can help you?”  he asked, coming up with a solution that he thought would work. archer wondered what tessa sounded like, if her voice was like bells in the wind, tingling with sweetness and kind words, or if it was like rough steel, coarse and grainy. but archer supposed it didn’t matter either way, he still would have loved tessa all the same. voices tended to be low on archer’s list in women. he wondered what she sounded like now, if she was angry at him or sad about asshole medic jared. archer lightly touched her hand, speaking instead of signing. “i just want you to be okay, tess. i don’t mean to be harsh, but i couldn’t bare it if you were broken like i am.” 

The haziness of the film that the sixties were known for was very relatable to archer right now. he didn’t understand what tessa was feeling, just like he couldn’t make out exactly what brand name the car was on the screen. archer was usually very charismatic, but he had lost it the second tessa came to his door. it was different when guys broke up, they didn’t cry, they didn’t say philosophical things that had a deeper meaning to it than one might expect. they played a game of air hockey and the girl was forgotten. but it was different for archer this time. he cared about most people, but tessa had stolen his heart. still, her words internally hurt him. of course things were permanent. his families deaths were permanent. his deafness was permanent. his love for tessa, in all its shapes and forms, was permanent. “life’s too short for things like breakups to be permanent.” archer finally agreed with her after a long while of silence, feeling like he’d done something wrong. 

in the long run, it was probably a good thing that tessa and jared had broken up tonight. archer had a tendency to remember at nighttimes, when the shadows of the dead crept upon him, memories sinking into his skin. he didn’t want to remember the flames, the heat, the screams of his sister growing fainter and fainter. no one, not even tessa, knew that the last thing archer had heard was the pleading shrieks of his baby sister as she was burned alive. it still haunted him to this day, and archer barely got any sleep. the legend had become an insomniac over the years, and though all the doctors said that it would go away in a few weeks, it hadn’t. for archer, being awake was a blessing and sleeping was a curse. sleeping just ended up with him screaming his broken heart out, sitting up and opening his eyes, tears still caught in the crushed blue orbs. tessa was a welcome distraction. her hand was soft and warm in his, and archer ran his thumb over her skin. the demigod wondered what it would be like to kiss her, to see if her lips were softer than her hands. archer smiled a little at the cootie remark. “yeah, i hear there’s an epidemic among boys. you better watch out, tess.” archer preferred tess to tessa, he soon found. 

the window was open by the demigod’s bed, blowing cold air in. ever since the explosion, archer always felt unnecessarily hot, as if he’d become part of the fire itself. right now he was wearing a faded red tank top and brown shorts, and still he felt as if he was burning. he needed to take his mind off of the fire, this wasn’t the time to pity himself. this wasn’t the time to compare himself to tessa. this wasn’t the time to blame her for her sins. after all, to err is to human. “i’m sorry… i know it’s not your fault you guys didn’t work out.” archer let out a sigh, scratching his arm. “some things just aren’t meant to be, tessa.” the legend looked at his legs, noticing how hairy they were, how discolored they were with the faded burn marks that would never truly disappear. then he looked at tessa’s, and to archer they looked smooth and perfect, like buttercream frosting. perfect, just like tessa was. archer didn’t argue with her, but he didn’t agree either. he was broken, and there was no fixing him.

“yeah… i-i know.” archer didn’t really know how to respond to her. she knew of his past, how delicate the subject was for him. or, at least, he hoped she did. “it’s whatever, though. it’s not like anything can bring them back.” he looked at his desk and at his unfinished popsicle stick house. archer wondered what his next failed plan of action was going to be to save his family. archer rubbed his eyes, blinking hard. he took the thermos and took a drink, wishing it was hotter.

archer normally felt agitated. under his calm. cool exterior, he was a mess. he had so many messed up problems, nightmares that would make a grown man question his own sanity. yet archer stayed completely calm on the outside. he knew that there was no point in making his friends worry. even in high school, when things weren’t nearly as bad, archer always had a happy smile on his face, even if it was fake. at school, the legend was a perfect little boy; with a dashing smile and a great mind. everyone knew he was destined for greatness. archer always told his friends that they could come to him no matter the problems they were having, but archer never extended that welcome to himself. it was only after the explosion, after the deaths and after he’d lost his hearing, that archer decided he’d open up and tell people about his problems. only, here at camp, no one cared. everyone had their own sob story; being a demigod wasn’t an easy - or even ideal - life. but that was what archer liked about tessa. she showed sympathy for his problems.

that was why, after a few minutes of being with her, archer had started to calm down. “no, of course not. you only get cooties if you kiss a boy. at least, that’s what the word on the street is.” the demigod smiled a little, biting his lip. he loved the aura tessa gave off, and she smelled nice too. she smelled of vanilla and lavender, and archer wanted nothing more than to curl up into her side and breath in her scent. but he refrained, and although he wanted more than just hand touching, he didn’t want tessa to be angry at him. Archer watched as the credits rolled across the screen, and he wondered if there was any background music to them, and if there was, if it was happy. if archer could ever have the chance to hear again, all he would listen to would be happy songs, starting with grease. 

“so… avengers, right?” archer signed as he got up and kneeled in front of the tv, taking out the disc and laying it carefully in the case. he put in avengers and came and sat down by tessa, tucking his legs underneath him and taking tessera’s hand in his again. he was much more interested in this movie, losing himself in all the cgi and explosions. once he saw hawkeye on the screen, archer smiled. the superhero was his role model even more he went deaf. clint barton was just so awesome and amazing. archer was so involved in the movie that he didn’t notice the flowers until a crown of daises was placed on his head. he looked at tessa and saw her blush, which made him blush as well. 

“it’s perfect.” archer said, the biggest grin on his face as he looked at her. “thank you, tess."

in his own mind, archer had never thought himself as anything but normal. sure, his background and lineage weren’t so ordinary, but he was. he could always run with the neighbour boys and play soccer with them. he could read and write just as well as any kid his age. he could build model ships with his friends and take apart toy trains to see what made them tick. there was never a doubt in his mind that he was anything but normal. so, if archer was normal, why did all the bad things happen to him? why did his family have to die? why did he have to be a demigod? why was he plagued with deafness? this wasn’t what normal boys were. normal boys his age got prepared for act’s and sat’s. normal boys his age got their girlfriends pregnant. normal boys his age made the honour roll. and archer? archer had accomplished nothing but crushed popsicle sticks and a single friend. this friend, though, had turned out to be the best thing ever, because archer found solace in her. she treated him like a prince, though he was anything but. tessa’s sly remark had earned her a small, though honest, smile from the boy. “that’s good. i hear street boys are filthy anyways. you’re much better off kissing a friend than a stranger.” 

when loki had taken control of hawkeye’s mind, archer couldn’t help but feel anger and sadness. he had seen this movie about a million times. he knew all the lines. he knew what was going to explode when. he could even reenact some of the fight scenes. yet these two minutes always came as a shock to him. every time he watched it, archer thought that hawkeye would find a way out. he’d fight back. he’d run to nat and together they’d destroy loki without the help of anyone else. his hero could never succumb to such a trivial man such as loki. but it had happened. the light had drained from clint barton’s eyes, and he was a slave to the adopted son of odin. archer tensed his jaw up a bit, angry that clint hadn’t fought back. weren’t heroes supposed to? weren’t they supposed to kick ass and take names until their dying breath? to archer, they were.

he cooled down when tessa put the flower crown on his head. at first, archer was a little taken aback when the flowers started growing out of his floorboards, wondering what tessa had been thinking about to have caused that. but then, he supposed, he shouldn’t ask. as a person with more than one ruined relationship under his belt, archer knew not to force the person to talk if they didn’t want to, and to under no circumstances, bring up their ex. of course, their previous conversation had caught the demigod red handed. he’d brought up jared. he’d also probably made tessa feel like shit. archer swallowed a lump in his throat as he motioned to the flowers, signing. “did i… did i cause this?"