Posts : 2284 Join date : 2012-06-06 Age : 18 Location : hell
Subject: help me to carry the fire--- private Sat Feb 08, 2014 4:33 pm
Dear Diary. It scares me how dependent I've become on you. Once upon a time, you were an experiment. Could I bring the old Kalina back by writing in you, perhaps? Obviously not. But even after finding the conclusion to my experiment, I continue. And it scares me... and worries me. I don't want to need to write in you... but when something happens, I instinctively go to you. A lot has happened since the last time I wrote to you and... it's left me with this feeling. A feeling of... fear and
The pen rolled in Kalina's fingers, shifting until the brunette was able to tap it against the page in a steady rhythm. Her head fell back against the rough bark of the tree, her eyes closing. What was she feeling? Because, she sure as hell didn't know. Which wasn't anything new. Kalina didn't really know what she thought of anything anymore.
Since the Zombie Apocalypse she'd... been a different person. Her head worked differently. Her feelings worked differently. Most people had noticed by now. Raziel because she'd caught the new Kalina after stealing her drink. Her family because they hadn't heard from her since then. But it wasn't like she wasn't trying. The words she wrote in her diary were the truth. She had wrote in it first to try tempt the old Kalina back. But it hadn't worked. Instead it left her dependent on an inanimate object which was nothing important in the grand scheme of things.
She'd come out to the Lake hoping to find some sort of... help. Every time she tried to write more to the sentence, she came up blank. The Lake, as peaceful as it was, hadn't helped. Plopped down at the base of the tall tree, features blank of all emotion, she looked incredibly casual though. No one would know the feelings which churned within. The confusion. The frustration.
Without taking more than a quick glance down at the page to make sure she was writing in the right place, she straightened the pen and pressed it to the page, quickly scribbling down these developments.
Confusion. Frustration? I don't know really. I can't... think. Everything is blurred together into a few simple feelings which don't seem to reflect the bigger picture. The bigger picture being I want to find that Kalina. I want this all to end, and I want to bring back the Kalina everyone wants back. No one wants me, so why should I stick around? I can't... I feel suffocated. That's it. I feel like everyone is expecting things which won't happen. They want her back- don't they realize I try, and try, and try to find her, and she doesn't want to be found? Can't they see the pressure I'm under... the suffocation which threatens to quench everything?
The answer to that was simple. At least it was to her. No, they couldn't.
Posts : 1375 Join date : 2011-05-14 Age : 99 Location : Beach city
Subject: Re: help me to carry the fire--- private Sat Feb 08, 2014 5:47 pm
Ronald Alexander Septavian
Son of Janus
Ron always saw red when he closed his eyes. Even in the dim hours of the night, the colour behind his eyelids were a deep crimson of fresh blood. It didn’t even matter whose blood it was. Since the last two battles, the dark circles under his eyes had deepened and the blood always, always seemed to be on his hands. Every night, a new body lay on the ground and it was the same cast of characters whose lips always seemed to be mouthing his name. He had taken to walking to avoid sleep. Every minute spent not training or eating, he was walking. Through the strawberry fields, through the forest, through the beach-any place devoid of people. No matter the weather, Ron walked until his feet hurt and even then, he kept walking. He liked to imagine he was stepping on the shards of his broken heart until he was beyond the pain of it. So he didn’t have to feel anymore. Walking around the Lake, the only thing he felt was cold. The wind cut right through his red flannel shirt, and the jeans he wore were ripped and worn thin. His feet were bare, covered with scratches and cuts from walking through the forest. Cold, he thought simply. I’ve been cold before. And so his mind flickered through memories of cold days and cold nights, as his eyes wandered to take in the scenery. Trees, water, more trees, grass-person. To be more specific, a brown haired girl with a journal. He stopped abruptly. To be honest, he hadn’t really seen anyone since he started his daily walks. It wasn’t because he didn’t want company, but more that he thought company didn’t want him. He sighed. Company would be nice right now. Walking slowly towards her, he composed himself. Straight back, somewhat neat hair, and a half smile on his face. Five paces away he stopped and took a breath. “Hey there.”
Posts : 2284 Join date : 2012-06-06 Age : 18 Location : hell
Subject: Re: help me to carry the fire--- private Sat Feb 08, 2014 6:17 pm
Kalina's hand stilled yet again on the page, the words stopping as if the tap had been turned off. When the words stopped, it was like... her mind went blank. All she could feel were the emotions, and all she could see was... darkness. The darkness she was once so afraid as a child was now her constant companion. In her mind, in her thoughts and her speech and her actions. It threatened to consume her, and the terrible thing was, she was prepared to let it. If it meant all of it coming to an end? She would.
But the darkness still terrified her. Even now, after so many years. Once upon a time she would lie scared in her room, un-moving, and Yana, good, kind Yana, would realize somehow. Would come to her rescue, cuddle beside her and turn on the lamp at the lowest setting so that the shadows weren't so bad. Now, there was no escape. The darkness couldn't be turned off with a simple switch and some kind words, because the darkness was everywhere. Her left hand moved unconsciously towards the necklace hanging around her neck, grasping the blue stone between cold fingers and stroking the thin, seemingly easily broken chain. It rested over her top, so that it didn't touch her skin. The rock was cool, smooth, and her fingers were delicate in their touch. Even that feather light touch was enough to set it off, however, and it began to glow blue softly in the day's winter light...
The sudden words spoken from an unknown speaker were enough to shock Kalina out of her thoughts, and she dropped the stone immediately. Her hand moved back to her journal, fingers spreading to protect the words from view, and her eyes flew up to find the person who had spoken.
A boy. Her own age, perhaps, or older? Dressed in ripped and worn jeans, and a red flannel shirt. Her first thought was obvious- Is he not freezing?. She was dressed in a long sleeved top with a heavy overcoat around her shoulders, black jeans and boots protecting her legs and feet. And she was still cold. This boy didn't have much protection from the elements... and as her still widened from shock eyes moved down his body, studying his stance and attitude, she realized his feet were bare and covered in lots of scratches.
'How do you bare it?' her voice, barely above a whisper, broke at the end from misuse. Quickly, she cleared her throat, turning it into a hopefully "natural" cough. The last thing she needed was yet another person on her case... Zeus knew she had enough. Yana had sent so many messages, obviously hoping for a reply. Her mother and father had too... and then there were the others. Those who'd known Kalina Nikolova before. The old Kalina. All of them, either full aware of the changes, or oblivious (Yet suspicious) of them. Kalina was tired of it all.... she didn't want to add another person with suspicions to her growing list.
'You must be so cold. Are your feet not sore?' she couldn't say much herself though. The cold which she could feel in the air didn't really bother her anymore. Not much did. Maybe he was a kid of Khione, able to withstand the temperatures. Maybe he was like her- although that option seemed less likely.
Making her movement casual, she pushed the left cover of her journal up until it closed over the right side, sealing all of her thoughts into its pages, locking them away from sight. Not that she was suspicious or anything, but since beginning to trust her thoughts to the pages, she'd been naturally wary of other people. She didn't want anyone reading the words, after all. They might think she was crazy, haha.
And they'd be right, wouldn't they? she thought bitterly, her eyes darkening for a moment as she stared down at the journal's cover, like she could burn a hole in it. Which she could do. But she wouldn't. She needed those pages too much. They were her only release, however much she hated it. Relying on paper and ink... who would have thought it...
Finding her voice again, she remembered the boy in front of her and met his gaze once again. Brown eyes clouded with other emotions... mainly confusion, since she didn't understand why he wouldn't wear shoes in weather like this, but mainly a weird sort of acceptance. People could do what they wanted- it wasn't her place to judge.
'Are you...' her words were carefully thought out, and she stopped for a few long moments to think. When she'd worked out what she was going to say, Kalina continued, '... Ok?'