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 life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)

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pinkgirl
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PostSubject: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:20 pm

I am a fire gasoline
come pour yourself all over me

Kat was a monster. Or at least to her she was. For the last few days, she hadn't showered, eaten, changed her clothes, or even smoked a cigarette. She didn't want to. She didn't want to be in real world while her friend Colin was in the Underworld. If it was just a regular death, it might've been easier to get over. No this. This was different. This wasn't a friend death that you could get over in a few days. This wasn't a friend death that you wouldn't feel guilty of them dying. This was a different death. This was the death that Kat had felt a few years ago. This was a death Kat never wanted to come back. This was a death that Kat had caused.

It didn't help much when people came to visit her either. She just ignored them, continuing to look at the blank wall. That wall that seemed to do absolutely nothing, just like her right now. She only hoped an answer could pop out somewhere. But she knew that would be too much to ask for. She had already asked for to much awhile ago, she had wished for never hurting someone again. But what did the Fates want to happen? They wanted her to murder one of her friends. They wanted her to live in living hell. But right now all she wanted was for Colin to come back. Was that so hard? Yes, of course that was. She killed him, sending him to the Underworld. Everything she thought about seemed to circle around Colin's death. But it also brought back the death of her mother. There were just times when she wanted t scream to make it stop, but she couldn't. No noise seemed to come. Only breathing. She couldn't even cry. All the tears had come when she had actually killed him. She cried all her tear out.

"Hey Kat. Wanna come to lunch with us?" Her half-brother asked. The response you ask? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She didn't been to be so cold-hearted to her half-brother, but he knew what happened. He couldn't blame her. Eventually, he had left. She was the only one in the cabin. It felt nice to be alone considering she didn't want to near anyone. She wanted to be alone. She didn't want to build for once in her life. She didn't want to do anything. She just wanted to be alone.

Kat only wished she could trade her life for Colin's. She deserved to go to the Underworld. She was a killer. A monster. A few of the words she called herself now. She wasn't even sure if she was Kat anymore. She wasn't even sure if she was Katarina White, daughter of Hephasteus. She could be Maeve Blake. Or she could be Caitlin Tovski. Kat didn't even know who she was anymore and she didn't seem to care. It would've been easier to be someone else. It would've been easier if she wouldn't have been thrown that knife. But Colin's death was all Kat's fault. It had to be. The Fates chose her. They didn't choose Iris. They didn't choose Anna. They didn't even choose the girl Kat had bumped into. They chose her. Why did they have to choose her? Why did they choose to torture her? But like always she wouldn't get an answer.

Kat continued staring at the wall. Looking at absolutely nothing. Doing absolutely nothing. She didn't know how long she would be like this. Frozen. She didn't want to be frozen forever. She didn't want to be Katarina the killer. But she knew she had to pay the debt of killing Colin, whether she like it or not. She as sure as hell didn't like it, but she couldn't do anything about it.

Kat was still staring at the wall when someone came though the door. She continued looking at the wall like she had for the past few days. But out of the corner of her eyes, she saw her best friend. She didn't want to talk to him. She didn't even want to smoke a cigarette with him. Kat just wanted to be alone. Or whoever she was, if she was even still Kat.


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PostSubject: Re: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:13 pm




Skyler,






Skyler felt distant, untouchable. It was as he had always been - so close, yet stuck without empathy, without care - but worse this time. This time Skyler minded. His whole life, the only thing he was sure of was himself. And now even he realized that Skyler Carstairs was somewhere different. It had nothing to do with any disorder. It was with mistrust that Skyler faded away.

His family was dead. And he had nothing. In some ways, that made him feel resentful. But this was nothing compared to the gut wrenching feeling in his heart when he found out that the basis of his entire life was a lie. And that they had left him there, a little boy, lonely and alone (but this was not the same thing you see - all his life, Skyler craved comfort and attention. But he didn’t know how to relate to people, didn’t know how to play with the other kids. And once he got it, he realized that it wasn’t attention that he really craved. Skyler never really knew what he really wanted as a child).

Skyler didn’t know how to forgive Isabelle. He knew it wasn’t her fault, and even knew she felt sorry for him (to feel remorse was something that Skyler couldn’t quite comprehend. He thought Isabelle felt nothing but pity for her stupid, loner brother).

Skyler almost always had a cigarette on him. They weren’t much but it was as close to forgetting as possible. He had started to smoke a lot - too much. Inhaling the poison was the only way Skyler was going to ever escape back into his own secluded world.

His wandering finally brought him to the place of residence of his best (and only) friend, Kat. It seemed so odd that he had never visited here, although he could map it out in his sleep. The cabin was empty; it radiated silence. Kat was sitting on her bed, looking at the wall. Snuffing out the end of his cigarette on his finger (the pain didn’t bother him; it never had), Skyler sat down beside her. ”Morning sunshine.” Skyler said sarcastically. Despite his wrecked state, he would never lose his sense of humor (as bad as it might be).


"We don't decide who lives and dies. Not down here."


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PostSubject: Re: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Fri Jan 17, 2014 9:50 pm

I am a fire gasoline
come pour yourself all over me

Kat watched out of the corner of her eye as Skyler came into the room. She still looked at the wall even though she didn't want to. She knew she had to pay the price, but the weird thing was she didn't do this with her mom. Her step-dad was a totally different story. She wasn't even sure if he deserved to be called her step-dad. He was far too cruel for that sort of name, yet she never saw her actual dad. She would always ate her father even if he said sorry to her a thousand times. She didn't even want to look him. She had always remembered the saying 'family sticks together.' Her family was far from together considering Kat had murdered part of her family. She felt like she wanted to commit suicide just to make up for Colin's death, but she seemed like that still wouldn't fit the bill. She would need someone else to do it. She looked up at Skyler, finally moving after a few days from the same position. She sighed and took a quick glance at her throwing knives near her bedside.

Kat grabbed her throwing and examined it. The same knife she had killed Colin with. It still had a faint pink to it from his blood, most of his blood almost gone. If only the memory could disappear as quick as his blood. She turned the knife in her hand, looking it over repeatedly. "Skyler could you do something for me?" She asked, glancing up at him. She wasn't sure of her would do what she wanted him too, but it was worth a try. She could always get someone else do what she wanted, but preferred if Skyler could do it. He was her best and only friend. She still had the memory of when they met. It was clear in her mind. It seemed so long ago though, when she was innocent and sweet Kat before she murdered someone else. It was best if she did what she had to do before someone else got killed because of her.


Katerina Mira White
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Beanie
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PostSubject: Re: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Sun Jan 19, 2014 10:09 pm



Skyler,



Skyler frowned, looking at the blade in Kat’s hand. It was still sharp and coated in a thin layer of pink dye that couldn’t just be decoration. Blood. Skyler glanced at the face of his best friend, which was laced with fear. Something was wrong with Kat. Something was very wrong.
Somehow, Skyler made the connection to the guilt spread across Kat’s face to the sword in her hand to her uneven breath. He wasn’t a genius, that was for sure, but Skyler was smart enough. ”I’m not going to stab you Kat.” Skyler said flatly. His voice was stoic; he would not press on. Although Skyler had no boundaries, he did not want to impose on Kat anymore than he already had. He was about as helpful as a fish out of water and maybe stabbing Kat was the most useful thing he could’ve done. Well maybe there was one more thing.

Skyler’s heart beat in his chest so loudly that he thought his ears might explode; his life was flashing around him, all the memories were pouring back but Skyler could barely remember any of that. He could see his parents, looking at him sadly. The other kids running around happily on the playground. He tried to remember his last goodbyes to his parents; their rental car driving off into the distance, leaving forever with everyone he had ever loved in tow. A single tear rolled down Skyler’s cheek, but he ignored it. He was not going to cry.

All he could think of was the bad experiences. Skyler’s vision became black and white as the color drained out of the world and he felt so empty and Skyler just wanted to take everything away; all his pain, suffering, imposing on others. He was so useless.

Skyler was just a rag doll now, devoid of any emotion or thought. He had always been, he realized. Just a mistake. His father never meant to have him. And then he had met someone else and they had a family and they really didn’t need him. They had left Skyler in the dust and he wasn’t really needed or wanted. Not even Kat needed him now. Skyler took a deep breath in. One of his last, he couldn’t help but think.

Then something came across Skyler; a feeling of absolute emptiness. He didn’t bother moving. Forgetting about his breath, Skyler turned to Kat. He looked at her with sunken eyes, already rotting in their sockets. ”Can I see that knife?” He asked, and without waiting for it, Skyler gently took the knife out from Kat’s lap. He didn’t want to hurt her; he would never hurt her again. Taking it in two hands, Skyler gripped the knife tightly. It made two indents on his left hand, where blood trickled out slightly. Skyler could feel it, but things like that didn’t bother him anymore. Lifting the knife up, Skyler pointed it towards himself. He was already half gone. "I'm sorry." Skyler muttered, perfectly still and calm. He really was.


"We don't decide who lives and dies. Not down here."


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PostSubject: Re: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Mon Jan 20, 2014 7:05 pm

I am a fire gasoline
come pour yourself all over me

Kat looked at him. She felt some relief because she didn't really want to get stabbed by her best friend. But she also she felt something she couldn't quite explain. She felt like that was the only option left. There were no more options for her to repay for Colin's death. "Skyler, please? It's the only way." She said and sighed. She didn't know what to do anymore. "You don't have to call me Kat anymore. I'm not even sure who Kat is." She said shrugging. She remembered all the times she got worked up over people calling her Katarina. Even though all this time she had and always will be Katarina the murderer. There was nothing that she could change about that fact. She sighed again. She only wished she was someone else.

She looked back down at the knife considering to do it herself, but it wouldn't be the same. She needed someone else to do it. Skyler was the first person and last person she wanted to ask. She didn't want to ask anyone else. She grabbed her other throwing knife on her bedside table and flung it at a lamp across the room. It hit the lamp, making it shatter to the ground. Katarina still remembered all the times she had practiced in the arena. How bad she was in the beginning. It made her want to laugh out loud. She remembered missing all the targets, but now she was great at it. It was her main weapon. She had her other weapon, but wasn't as good at it with her knives.

Colin's death reminded her of her mom. She still remembered how she killed her. Every second of it. It was still fresh in her mind. It wouldn't stop replaying in her mind, it was like a broken record.  She didn't know how to make it stop. She tried to think of other things to distract her mind, but nothing worked. She sighed. She wished she could exchange her life instead of Colin's. She hadn't really known the boy, but still felt guilty.

When Skyler asked her to see her knife, she shrugged. She turned back to her mom, but saw Skyler out of the corner of her eye raise the knife. She already knew what he was going to do. She reached for the knife, but he had already done it. She gasped. "I'm sorry." She heard him say. Katarina saw his blood soaking the sheets. An image flashed in her mind. Mom. She didn't know what to do, but she had to move now. Tears were already forming in her eyes. Everything was a blur. She gripped the knife and pulled it out. She saw the blood on it again. It was different this time. It's a horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach when you see your best friend's blood on your knife. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. "Skyler don't die. Please, I need you." She whispered to him. Kat tried to stop the bleeding, but didn't know how to. She wasn't the best healer in the world. "Mason! Get a healer form the infirmary!" She saw he half-brother look into the room and then dash out of the cabin. "Skyler you idiot, you're not going to die. Please don't." She whispered again, trying to stop the bleeding while her brother got an Apollo camper.


Katerina Mira White
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PostSubject: Re: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Mon Mar 03, 2014 8:42 am



Skyler,



Skyler had terrible aim, he realized, only quickly after he watched the knife go through his stomach. It really was his stomach, and by the feel of it, Skyler had just broken a rib. He missed his lungs and heart, and the knife penetrated right beneath his lungs. He could feel a massive hole in his chest. And Kat was freaking out.. But it all seemed so distant now. Was this what dying felt like? Skyler felt so distant. He could feel the heart wrenching pain in his chest, and he wanted to pull the knife out and scream and cry.

But Skyler didn’t. Because that’s what he always wanted anyways. The serenity of being dead. Skyler didn’t believe in heaven; neither did he believe in hell. Come to think of it, he barely believed in the gods. It didn’t make sense to Skyler. Being dead had always been such a peaceful concept to Skyler. The notion of death was emptiness, and even if Skyler went to Hades, he would forget everything. All the memories of his miserable life, all of his friends, and best of all, all of his guilt. All Skyler could feel was guilt; it filled the gaps the pain couldn’t reach. Skyler felt Kat reach him, pull the knife from his stomach. Her face was too painful to look at; Skyler had a sudden urge to hide his eyes (but he didn’t; he couldn’t). Kat, possibly the only person Skyler had ever truly loved (he did not love Isabelle the way he loved Kat, although it was love that allowed Skyler to save her in the end), the guiltiest person Skyler had ever met, the person who was the most similar to Skyler himself.

”Kat...” Skyler choked, trying to make out a couple of last words. For the second time that month, Skyler’s mouth filled with blood. It was too late, his body couldn’t handle all of the abuse it had taken and Skyler was dying. He would be dead by the time that Kat’s brother returned with a healer; Skyler was sure of it. Skyler reached out and gently wiped a tear from Kat’s cheek, smearing blood on her face. ”just let me die..” Although Skyler used to have a hard time saying that word, it came naturally to him, now that he was staring it in the face. Skyler could feel his body sucumming to the pain, losing consciousness, and Skyler struggled to keep his eyes on Kat’s face. ”I...It’s not your fault.”  Skyler said, his hand drooping to his side and the world going black.


"We don't decide who lives and dies. Not down here."


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PostSubject: Re: life is a living hell (bean; trigger warnings)   Sun Apr 06, 2014 3:03 pm

I am a fire gasoline
come pour yourself all over me

The tears kept coming no matter how much she tried to stop them. After a while, she just gave them and let them stream down her face. She didn't bother wiping them away. She was too busy trying to stop the blood. She had heard from lost of people if you got shot in the stomach or something, you were likely to die.  She did believed it at the time, but now she didn't want to believe it. This was her best friend. Practically, her brother. He couldn't die. At least not right now, when she needed him most. This would've been the third death (she didn't really count her step-father's because she thought it was the best for him) that she caused. She choked back another sob. Too many people were dying. Kat couldn't handle it.

"I'm not going to let you die." She found it quite funny actually. Did he really expect her to just let him die? She wasn't obviously. They had been through so much together. The memory of them meeting was still clear in her head. It seemed clearer to her now. Before when she had tried to remember, it had been a bit fuzzy. The image of her and him them were so different now. There were dark circles under her eyes for not sleeping and she was thinner for not eating. She had also grown a few inches and she had actually cared about what she looked like then. She didn't even care about anything anymore.

Kat looked at Skyler. "Of course, it's my fault." She whispered to him before he blacked out. "Skyler?" Kat started shaking him. He can't die, he couldn't. If anything, I should've died, She thought to herself. Kat saw her knife out of the corner of her eyes. She took the knife in her hand and wiped the blood on her shirt. The knife she had made when her mother died, was now a murder weapon. She wished she could've gone back in time. To not have picked up the gun. To not have made the weapon. To not have threw her knife. To not suggest the idea of doing it to herself. Reasons she felt guilty. It was just eating her alive. Kat, without thinking about it, cut her hand in one  swift movement. It didn't even bother her. The blood started dripping toward the carpet, spreading. She had been waiting for this moment, but it just made her even worse.


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