Zan, I can't say I really know how you feel, but I've been there. I used to cut my upper thighs, but high enough so they wouldn't be too noticeable, and I could hide them with shorts. I cut my stomach, and I cut my forearm once. I'm not proud of what I did. I never was. The first time, I loved the feeling. I loved not feeling pain. I felt numb. I didn't cry any of the times I did it. I just sort of dozed off, looked off for awhile. Sitting in the tub, I felt guilty.
I can never look back on that year or so and not cry. Hearing that you're doing it makes me cry. Zan, I care about you so much. You're seriously one of my best friends on this site. I don't want you in pain. I don't want you going so low as to cut. There are other ways to numb the pain, to deal with it. I used to sleep, write, draw, sing, practice on my instrument, watch dumb tv shows, and play video games. Did puzzles, played board games with my mom, and even just sat at my window and looked outside. Look at the stars at night, talk to some friends. I want you to stay clean, Zan, because I love you. Everyone here at CHB supports you and wants you to stay clean. You know that you can text me whenever you want, or pm, email, call, whatever. I'm here for you, and I know you can come out of this okay. If you ever feel like cutting again, text me, or text or call another friend. I want you to get better, I can't handle you doing this kind of thing. I love you.