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 i've come too far, i can't go back [private]

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Nico
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PostSubject: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Tue Nov 27, 2012 8:53 pm


june helen prenston

June flipped through songs on her iPod, the one she had sneaked into camp during the past few lonesome weeks. The cord was plugged into the device, and her earbuds were crudely shoved into her ears. Since the alone time, the Ares cabin leader had accumulated quite a depressing playlist, although one song in particular seemed to really get her heart besting and her mind stuck in a state of utter disparity. "This is Home", by Switchfoot. The song was not only the last tie she had to being happy, but it seemed to be describing her suddenly unimportant life. "Day number twenty-two," June muttered to herself, sucking in a large cloud of air. Her hair had actually been straightened today, but hung lifelessly past her shoulders. She had become something short of a novelty after shuttng herself off from the rest of the world. Almost everyday she stayed in her bedroom until 2, then got up, ate, went for a run, and snuck back off to her room until way past curfew. That was when she used her authority to get into the kitchen and find something else to last her until 2:00 the next day. She had become skinnier, but still didn't look frail. She would likely never look frail, what with Ares being her father. Kids avoided her at all costs, like they always had, but now, it wasn't so much out of fear, but out of loathing. June was extremely unapproachable now, more so than she had ever been, and the fact that she was out of her cabin before noon was a surprise to everyone in the arena. It was what being a cabin leader had done to her, she was becoming popular, famous even, but not for any good reasons. She was certainly disliked.
After picking her song, June shut her eyes and cringed. She could feel a few sets of eyes on her, although no one said a word. Her hand shook as she lifted her weapon, and she aimed carefully with one of her knives but not quite carefully enough and sent the knife flying through the dummy's arm and not it's heart. Her face flushed red and without skipping a beat, she whipped out her next knife and angrily sent it flying towards the dummy's head. Bullseye. She hit the piece of cloth and stuffing right between it's eyes. Still not pleased, June grabbed her final knife and aimed again for the stupid thing's heart. People were still watching. Let them. They needed to be scared. This could easily be them. With all of her pent up anger, June whipped the celestial bronze knife with her wrist and watched it fly through the dummy landing with a thud after having gone through the thing's chest. Feeling unsteady, June walked towards her knives. The eyes had gone away, either afraid or uninterested now that the show was done, and she hadn't broken done. As she reached the fake person, June pressed her palm into the hole she had created and grinned. She hadn't smiled in a while, but knowing that she could still slice through the fake flesh felt better than it should have. She could kill someone if she wanted to. She hadn't gone soft. She wasn't the broken little girl she thought she had become. She could still be June Prenston, sociopath, if that was the life that called her name.
She would be lying if she was it wasn't. Feeling no regret, pity, or sorrow was so much easier than caring about other people and being sincere. Apologizing stung like walking into a hive of bees, and caring about Caleb lead to destruction, but it was the attention, and the thought that someone cared about the senile girl that made June want to be the broken princess rather than the heartless sociopath. The psycho. "El diablo." It wasn't Caleb's fault, really, so she hardly blamed him, but she did wish she could strangle her father. Ares had driven June away from her best friend. It hurt to simply think his name, now. In fact, June had to tighten her grip on the dummy to keep from losing her sanity. She had gone to the arena because, in truth, she had expected to find him there. He hadn't been there when she walked in, and she had done a good job of avoiding everyone since. She didn't want to go back to Caleb, but she wanted to check on him. If he was doing as awful as her, she was going to do something, anything, because the pain was starting to affect her darkest thoughts; the ones she had mentioned to Caleb before. The ones about death. She already felt alone, what was going to help her get over the insanity that spread through her like disease?
After finally opening her eyes again and patting the dummy, June grabbed her knives and spun around, only to drop them again. The daughter of Ares was ready to scream, so she but her lip instead. Instinctively June bit her lip and fought back a scream. She had to press so hard that her teeth drew some blood. She felt insane, and trapped in her dangerous haze, but she wasn't. She just wasn't a normal girl, so she didn't have normal girl reactions. Caleb. She had wanted to see Caleb at first, but now, seeing him made her want to cry, and throw her knives, and kick something, and run to him all at once. She was ready to scream, and throw a fit, but she couldn't, because people were in the arena, even if they weren't watching. Unsure whether or not Caleb saw her, June scampered to pick up a knife and threw it hard against a dummy that was close, but not too close, to the son of Momus. She didn't want to say anything, because she was getting a headache, and didn't trust the sound of her own voice. "Sorry. I didn't see you," June shouted coldly, purely emotionlessly, as she had been before the arena almost got destroyed. "I'll be more careful next time." She wanted so badly to say his name, to drop the cold act and run to him, to cry with him, even though he likely wouldn't cry himself. She wanted Caleb to take her away and make her feel safe, but she knew that wouldn't happen. Did this fake and forced conversation count as being too close? She didn't want to cross any boundaries, and she didn't want to show that she wasn't indiffent towards Caleb, but her act was the only thing keeping her together. Being fake was all she remembered how to do. "Watch where you're going, though." The look in June's eyes wavered as she let up on her act a bit, repeating a line she had said to him before, when they had collided in the courtyard. It didn't seem like anything, but it was enough for the girl's eyes to shimmer with utter pain as she pulled herself back together. She hadn't said his name. She hadn't cried, she hadn't screamed, she had just given him a look, but the look said everything. It was brief, and small, but perhaps drastic enough to display everything.
Clutching her knives tighter, June kept from shaking. No eyes were on them. Everyone seemed to be avoiding them, and slowly trickling out. The kids had weapons. It was not a good idea to be so close to them, the others were right to leave. June just hoped she could stay strong. She had to, but Caleb.

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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Fri Nov 30, 2012 7:38 am



Caleb didn't know how to describe the past few weeks. To start things off, there were some bad news and, surprisingly, a very small bit of good news. The bad news was that even with that time frame, the son of Momus didn't feel any better about himself. Considering all the crap he had to put up with, well, that probably shouldn't come as a surprise. And the good news? Well, it was just a small piece of news, really. Because of the deep dark hole he ended up in, he figured that it couldn't get any worse than this. It was a pathetic attempt to be optimistic, but cut him some slack. At least he was still alive. Yeah, a voice in Caleb's mind sneered, like that's something to be real happy about.

But then, Caleb didn't want to spend the rest of his time moping around like some idiot. Sure, he was a mess, but he'd rather be a mess who wouldn't let such things stop him from being productive. That was how he had ended up in the arena in the first place, chucking knives at lifeless dummies. As each blade met its mark, he imagined it was Ares. Everything was Ares' fault and nothing could convince him otherwise.

Practicing his knife-throwing gave Caleb a healthy distraction. No one bothered with him, too terrified by the prospect he suspected, and it suited him just fine. Still, he could feel the small glances burning his back, the hushed voices accompanying each look. He felt a trickle of irritation as he caught a word from the whispers behind his back and it made him hurl the knife so hard that the blade, save for the hilt, was completely buried in the straw dummy's chest exactly where its heart might have been. What he heard wasn't even something negative. It was only a name, one name that seemed to make him sad and furious at the same time: June.

He hadn't seen the girl since that last encounter in the attic. Neither did he bother to count the days that had gone by after that. With the chariot races and the winter solstice coming up, he knew that she had more than enough things to worry about as a cabin leader. But that didn't stop him from missing her, no matter how hard he tried not to. His heart had a complete mind of its own. It did anything it wanted and his brain couldn't do anything about it. With all the negative emotions brewing up inside him at the thought of the daughter of Ares, Caleb blocked anything else and used up more energy than he should as he continued to throw knives at his immobile targets. Panting as he finished, he stared at the bunch of dummies in front of him, knives sticking out from their vital points had they been alive. Still, he couldn't bring himself to be proud of what he had done.

Suddenly, he grew aware of the sound of metal slicing the air close to his left and he swerved sideways on instinct, seeing the flash of silver shoot past before lodging into a dummy a few feet away. He spun around angrily, ready to give the thrower a piece of his mind, when he was met with the sight of the person he had just been thinking about a few moments before. Her presence triggered something in the son of Momus, something he could make neither heads nor tails of. Everything in the past few weeks came rushing back in waves, overwhelming him that it was all he could do to stop his knees from buckling, to keep holding himself together even under these circumstances. His mouth ran dry and he was almost certain that everything in him ceased to function at that moment, save for his heart. Caleb went slack, thinking. Since when had he been lame enough for something like this?

He forced himself to meet her gaze, hazel eyes turning glassy behind his spectacles. He didn't let himself react to her last statement, even if it rang a bell in his muddled mind. The son of Momus didn't want to admit that he recalled that incident so clearly in his mind, how they coincidentally bumped into each other in the courtyard. Curling his fingers into closed fists, Caleb tried to come up with something witty in response, but his mind didn't seem to want to cooperate. Before he knew it, he was speaking on impulse with the first words that occurred to him. "You should watch where you're throwing." He surprised himself at how strangely formal he sounded. Was this where they stood now? Two people so close to the other behaving as if they were strangers, as if they hadn't gone through the same things together. Not wanting to disrupt his act but at the same time not helping himself, he felt his lips coil into a forced smirk, the next familiar words easily rolling off his tongue. "You're not the blind one here."
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Fri Nov 30, 2012 5:49 pm


june helen prenston

June couldn't decide whether to walk closer to Caleb or to stay rooted in her spot, so she chose not to move, afraid of what she might do if she got too close. When Caleb started talking, her ears buzzed. That was the familiar voice she had been missing, the only one she allowed to yell at her or make fun of her. She missed it. When Caleb replied with an equally meaningful quote, June shut her eyes tightly to block out the imaginary pain. "No, no no." She missed him too much. That was evident in the stabbing pain she felt in her heart. His glasses were familiar. His hair was familiar. His smirk would always be familiar.

June ignored the voice in her head mumbling at her to stay put or leave, and walked forward, jamming her knife into each dummy that she passed. "I would reply with something witty, but my brain isn't working anymore." June shrugged and stared at the ground. She had gotten close enough to be able to talk at a normal volume to Caleb, but not close enough for her to feel an urge to run into his grasp. She wanted to hug him again, but she couldn't. She wouldn't. "Hey Cae. You seen the chariot race list?" June didn't actually want to talk about the chariot race. She wanted to talk about something that mattered.

"Do you... um... How are y—" June stammered, trying to make sense of her own thoughts. "Staying out of trouble and what-not?" June shook her head and clamped her eyes shut tightly. She looked terrible. She knew she looked terrible, but she couldn't really care. "I haven't done anything . . . bad yet." June meant suicide. She wasn't going to stay it out loud, she just wanted Caleb to know she wasn't going to die yet.

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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:09 am



Caleb shrugged. That was yet another thing they had in common, how their brains seemed to turn into mush. Most of it, anyway. He looked back to the dummies and started throwing a bunch of knives again as he continued to watch June out of the corner of his eye. He blinked. Was it just him or was she really drawing closer? He stiffened a little, growing tense enough that he missed the dummy's head by a few inches. This wasn't good. He should leave. Now. Unluckily for him, his brain was too out of it to tell his feet to get moving.

Finally accepting that he wasn't going anywhere anytime soon, Caleb turned to face her almost lazily. It wasn't that he didn't want to stay, but he had to keep up a believable act, right? Besides, the fact that he was torn between walking out and continuing their conversation didn't help his case. "Yeah. I'm quite surprised that people still wanted to race with you around." He looked down on the knife in his hand, taking a few seconds to polish the blade casually before meeting June's eyes. "Are you not that intimidating anymore?" he added teasingly, wondering how the girl would respond.

This felt nice. It almost seemed like the past weeks hadn't happened and there they were, just trying to have a normal conversation and behave like normal people. But then, that didn't change the fact that they had been both ripped apart by the circumstances, suffering under painful backlashes and doing their best just to survive. June was doing a worse job though; he could gather as much just by looking at her. It almost made him want to reach out to her, but he stopped himself before he could. Caleb had an act to keep up. "I suppose you can say that." He studied her closely, noting how she said 'yet'. "Haven't done anything bad either. Is that why you joined the chariot race?"
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Sat Dec 01, 2012 11:41 pm


june helen prenston

June attempted to stare at her feet instead of at Caleb, but she couldn't stop her eyes from soaking his presence in. She had done an extremely good job of avoiding him for almost a month, and now being exposed to him was as refreshing as being submerged in her childhood memories. Gazing curiously, but carefully formally, June bit her lip. She was being reminded of the first time she had looked at him after knowing what he meant to her. The awkward hatred was there, the one she didn't know how to control, possibly because it was in the girl's nature to hate, or maybe because she remembered the boy's birthday. The intense, warm feeling was there, and she didn't know how to control that. She didn't even know what to call it. Love was not the right word. She wasn't sure if love was too strong or not strong enough, but she didn't really love Caleb. She loved weapons, and pain. Caleb was a person. Her feelings for darkness and light had always been separated by a distinct but fine line.
Before she could get too deep with herself, June realized Caleb was asking her questions, pushing her buttons, perhaps without even knowing it. That was unlikely, though. They had only been apart for a few weeks. She could still read Caleb. June assumed he could still read her. "I heard rumors that there'll be a mental breakdown during the race. They probably wanted claim over having been a part of the action." June sourly crossed her arms and dug her toes into her shoes. She felt angry having reminded herself of the word being spread. June was supposed to be so unstable that she would lose her marbles during the race. She didn't think there was any chance of that happening. She was a lot of things, but smart was one of them, and unwilling to please people was another. She wasn't going to give them a show. "I wouldn't go though, if I were you. I personally believe there will be nothing but a race, and Ares is going'ta win." June forced a cocky smirk, uncrossing her arms and shrugging. Her eyes were trained on Caleb, but all too soon, her eyes started glazing over and looking through him, at nothing in particular. She frowned and focused on controlling the quiver in her lip.
"You are so weak," she thought to herself, cringing at the harshness the voice in her head had taken on. It was her own voice, that was clear, but it sounded like something the June who would hurt even Caleb would say. "You think he cares about you? You think you should cry like a baby just because you miss him? Would he care? No. He'd leave you. Toughen up Prenston, you aren't supposed to be this way. You're a psycho, born and raised. That's. Who. You. Are." June hated the words she was thinking. She hated them, and she wanted to stop thinking such negative things, but she couldn't help herself. It was like she really was going crazy, and she was having a fight with herself, the other self; the mean self.
June almost missed what Caleb said after calming herself down and shutting up the insane voice in her head. She had a feeling it wasn't an effect of the venom, rather her own depression and pent up anger trying to edge her on, her inner self testing her own boundaries. She did catch it though, and despite her best efforts, hearing that Caleb was somewhat okay made her smile. It was the kind of genuine smile that made her eyes look happy, the one that no matter how un-super model-like she was, made her look just short of beautiful. (or, you could say it met the expectation for beautiful.) It wasn't as subtle as she would have wished, and it faded quickly, but there was no missing the sad yet happy grin. "That'a boy, Caleb. And... Um... Well, I guess. I just... need something to keep my mind from doing something stupid. You know me. I don't have control up here unless... there's something for me to think about." June expression didn't lose it's life, but it suddenly turned hopeless, as if she could feel herself losing her grip on sanity. "Something happy." June gulped and shook her head. She was doing a bad job of looking fine. She wanted to be told that she looked good, or at least sane, but she didn't think she did. No one even said she looked awful. They were probably too afraid of what she would say, but in all honesty, she was going crazy and she wanted someone to care. Feeling alone was worse than seeing your death approach, because when you were alone, no one cared anymore.
"I don't want you to get too close, again—" June blurted, quickly regretting it once she had. "I miss you more now, and it hurts more now and stuff, but... I thought about it. I'm too dangerous to be around people, you know? I wasn't born to bring people into my life, to have them see what I see. I am bad. I've said I'm not, but I am, and I think that being apart is good, because if something happens to me, I won't have to worry about someone else being sad." June was serious, but she wasn't really wanting to let Caleb go. She just wanted him to know, in some way, that bad things were meant to happen to her, and she couldn't bring him into any of it. She wanted to keep Caleb normal, or as normal as he could be, and he had been right in ceasing to see June. Caleb was mean and cold, but he wasn't geneticly flawed like June, and she didn't want him to develop a horrible fate. To quote Imagine Dragons, "your eyes they shine so bright, I want to save the light." She could let go for Caleb. To save him, she knew she could let go. She didn't want to, though, because she had gotten a taste of letting go, and it meant slowly fading away until she was nothing. She was meant to be nothing. It wasn't something she, along with Caleb, could overcome through determination. Either she left him and thrust it upon herself, or she went back and Ares sped up the process.
June hadn't known which she preferred before, but now, it was clear that Caleb being alive as better than Caleb being dragged down with her. She couldn't escape fate, right? She had tried. She had done damage to Caleb—so much irreversible damage.
The little girl didn't realize it, but as she thought about her death, she had started crying. Not hard, wheezing shrieks, but a few tears trickled down her cheeks. She didn't bother to wipe them away. By now, it was only her and Caleb in the arena, and she didn't care what Caleb saw.

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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Wed Dec 05, 2012 9:05 am



Caleb averted his gaze. Looking at the knife-riddled dummies slightly distracted him from his thoughts. Still, he couldn't ignore the sinking feeling in his chest as June continued talking. There was no mistaking it from her words and motions. She wasn't doing well at all. An uncomfortable sensation surged through him and he hurled his last knife as hard as he could, not altogether seeing it hit a dummy square on the eye. He released a breath he was holding, still not looking at the daughter of Ares.

"I don't see you around here much, surprisingly," he admitted from out of the blue. He figured that she would've found the arena as a release, as something to pass the time, but maybe he was wrong. Or perhaps she was here all along, but he just refused to see it. "I don't see how chariot racing can be considered as something happy, but I suppose you're in your element with the weapons and possible maiming and all..."

Barely aware that June had started crying, Caleb fought the urge to even look at her. His hands clenched into fists as he dug them in his pockets and he was afraid that he would snap even if he so much as spared a glance. He wanted so badly to correct her, that she wasn't a bad person. He wanted to admit that he missed her too, but after that incident in the attic, it just seemed too awkward and he didn't want to pull her back into the mess just when they had started to untangle themselves from it. That hadn't stopped the hurt from coming and sometimes, Caleb wondered if it would ever stop coming. Were they destined to be this way? Haunted by their own memories and mistakes. Trying to live when it almost seemed like life had lost its light.

Then, Caleb just had to make the mistake to glance at June and he crumbled again, the pieces he tried to glue together breaking apart like the fragile things they were. For a split-second, an anguished look crossed his face but he regained his composure just as quickly. He tugged at his hair in frustration. This was the exact thing he was trying to avoid. June's apparent inability to hold her tears back reopened old wounds that Caleb wouldn't have wanted to bleed again, but hadn't it been always inevitable? Had he really expected for a moment that he could live this kind of life after getting a taste of what he could've had, of what he missed because a higher being had opposed it? Caleb's defenses had worn down slightly and if it wasn't made obvious earlier on, it should be noticeable in how his voice lost the cocky edge to it, replaced by desperation. "You know this can't happen, June. It's killing me, maybe both of us, but this just can't happen."
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Sat Dec 08, 2012 1:27 am


june helen prenston

June stared at Caleb and wiped furiously at her eyes. She wasn't weeping, she wasn't sobbing, she was hardly even crying, but tears seeming to be turned on "flow" and they wouldn't stop draining out of her eyes. Her nose and cheeks were light pink, although her eyes weren't ringed with their usual "crying red." She looked odd, and sad, but most of all, she looked lost. "I know. I get it, but... Basically... Well what makes me mad is..." June tried to stop stammering, but she felt defeated. It didn't matter what June thought was unfair. Life was unfair. She reached one arm across her body and grabbed her other dangling arm. She was showing signs of wanting to be closed off, but that wasn't what she wanted at all. Her mask faded slightly, and she didn't look tough anymore. She looked scared. She was scared.
"Everything is killing me," June stated indifferently, swaying slightly as she contemplated whether or not to try and feel some emotion. She could let herself feel the pain, but she had slowly learned how to turn it on and off. Her disability had an advantage. The harshness of her words would have broken any human down, but not monstrous June Prenston. Not "el diablo, una chica." No, June could do nothing but fight her sanity. "I feel like ... like I'm breaking again, but scarier." A shiver ran down the girl's spine and she looked over Caleb. "I don't feel like myself. I feel like a hollow June. I feel alone. I can't make friends. Everyone is afraid of me, even the people who I've never talked to." June let go of her arm and stroked her chin. "I want to pretend that I'm not talking to you. Ares is stupid. I want to outsmart him. If I can't... I'll go crazy, and eventually lose everything. I am half-well sociopath who can't get her crap together." June stared at the ground. "There's not much standing between me and complete emptiness. There used to be... you." June grabbed for a knife and flung it with extreme force at a particularly wideset dummy. That one was Ares. It was that one's fault.
"I bet I sound crazy right now. I don't remember anything I just said. I'm too depressed." June flung another knife at the dummy. "I miss you. I think I might be done." June's voice cracked. She meant done, over, finished. She wasn't feeling up for anything. The voice crack was painful to listen to, and it was caused by the image of Caleb's pain—the one he had exhibited earlier.

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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Mon Dec 10, 2012 9:34 am



Caleb groaned and put both hands on his head as he backed away, his fingernails digging into his scalp. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. After everything that happened, the last thing he wanted was to discuss it and its consequences any further. People say that talking things over would help solve the problem somehow, but thinking about it almost made Caleb scoff. Yeah, like this helped. So far the only thing it had done was make each of them more vulnerable, make them easier targets for Ares.

Plus, hearing about how June coped with the situation made his life suck even more, if that was even possible. The guilt, the anger, all the resentment building up inside him got him riled up, and it annoyed him more when he found that he had no knives left to let out his caged emotions. Instead, Caleb forced out a curse through his clenched teeth, whirling around on his feet and punching the nearest knife-riddled dummy on its chest. It toppled over in a mess of straws as he wrenched his gaze back to June. "This isn't helping anything! You think you're the only one who's alone? You think you're the only one who doesn't have friends? I don't know if you've been blind or what, but if you haven't noticed..." He forcefully pulled out four knives out of the fallen dummy and flung them at another, each hard throw punctuating each of his words. "I. Don't. Have. Any."

Caleb was panting when he finished, staring straight at his most recent target. He didn't even spare a glance at her when he spoke again. "I might as well be a psycho. Maybe they even think I'm like you now. The only other person I cared for is dead. My mother is dead. She sent me to camp because I was alone, and she hoped I'd 'branch out' and actually make friends. She succeeded. I did make one single friend - or maybe reconciled is the right term - but because of that, she got taken away. All in exchange for trying to bring some sort of 'happiness' to my life. It's ironic how her own wish backfired on her, isn't it?"

Caleb was so angry that he was spitting the words out at this point, letting the fury fill his mind to make room for nothing else. He had no room for grief for he was done mourning. He was fed up, and the most aggravating thing about it all was how he couldn't put a stop to it no matter how hard he tried.
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Mon Dec 10, 2012 8:12 pm


june helen prenston

June bit her lip and flinched as it drew blood. Caleb was right, all of his points were valid, but she couldn't stop pitying herself. She couldn't stop feeling bad for herself. She couldn't stop thinking only. of. herself. She didn't feel bad about it either. It was the darkest part of her that was constantly feeding her ego, and making her cry, and lose control, and act out of rage. She was selfish, deep down. Caleb knew that, and up until know it was obvious that he had put up with it. Caleb crashing on her was like being slapped in her face. "Stop being such an ass, Wright!" June didn't often call Caleb "Wright." The alias was pleasant at first, but the warmer nicknames, such as Cae and Knives, had become more friendly. Now she said Wright to be as formal and cold as she could possibly be. There was no sympathy for the "blind idiot" left in June's shallow, barely beating heart. She hurt. She was worrying about June, and not anyone else. Her small pain was blinding.
Mentioning Risa. Another slap in the face, another thing to weigh down on June for as long as she would allow it to haunt her; another person she would never be able to apologize to; another reason to believe June was constructed by demons and possed by something evil. She wanted to feel bad about Caleb's mom, too, but it dawned painfully on her that she didn't. She still felt hurt by Caleb's insults, the subtle ones, and that was what made her kick her knives away. "Poor Caleb!" she shouted, narrowing her eyes and spitting out the wracking words. "Poor baby! Is your mommy dead? That sucks. Sounds like she cared an awful lot about you! I remember her, too. She always smelled really nice, and she made really good cookies. Does that sound familiar? My mom, if you remember, usually smelled like bodily fluids and smoke. She called the cops on me before I ran away! Your mom wouldn't have done that. She was too kind hearted. Poor. Caleb." June's face was flushed and red, but she was as emotionless as she used to be. Cold. Solid. A deceptive rock. It stung, but June ignored the sissy-baby pain. She also felt alive.
And dead. What had she done? How had she... This was Caleb. Everything he had pushed onto her, she had felt in some way, and she had caused in some way. This was his pain, but her guilt. June grabbed a dummy and threw it to the ground, before daring a look in Caleb's direction. She was too ashamed, and utterly angry, to look straight at him, but she was pretty sure she could make out his shadow. "I'm not sorry for anything. I take back everything I've ever said to you. You don't mean anything to me. You won't make me feel like a monster, not like everyone else. Up here—" June tapped her temple, "You're already dead." June glared at her best friend before picking up her knives and screaming. Without much thought she tossed them aside and one of them crinkled. June's Ares strength only existed when she was angry, but boy was she angry, and part of the hate was directed at herself. "I hate you!" June stood firm but lost the will to keep herself looking strong and slouched. She was barely able to keep herself from falling over. "You really are a psychopath, too. You're not better than me." June stared at the knives by her feet and shook her head. "Looks like no one cares about either of us. Merry Christmas." June blinked, expecting tears, but surprising herself with nothing. She didn't care enough anymore. "No." June mumbled to herself, unable to move any of her muscles. She suddenly regretted shouting, because she anger had worn off, and she remembered what it was Caleb had always wanted.
"No—I care. Just... not enough, anymore." She wouldn't hurt Caleb that badly. She would not strip him of the only thing he had ever seemed to want. She was too close to being human now. Her heart was just small enough to know that she couldn't do that to her Caleb. Her Caleb. Poor Caleb.

built a wall around my heart
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Tue Dec 11, 2012 3:20 am



The initial shock from June's sudden mood shift quickly wore off. It drove Caleb to the brink of rage though, and by now he was trying to control his shaking. Half of him wanted to yell back with as much intensity, but there was no fighting the composed voice in his mind telling him that it would be no use. Still, his nature wouldn't let himself back down without at least responding with a remark of his own. "Exactly. You wouldn't know the pain of losing a parent because you never knew what it was like to have one."

The words hurt him as soon as they left his mouth, but he didn't let himself feel the pain. At least, not yet. Not when he was too busy keeping an eye out for the knives she tossed aside. It was partially for his own well-being, but the thought of June losing her marbles and stabbing herself with the blades also crossed his mind. It pained him to think that after all this, he was still trying to look out for her, trying not to let her get hurt even when it was all he seemed to do to her these days. Even when the things she was saying was causing him all sorts of pain coming from every angle, compressing him into a cramped space where he almost couldn't breathe. He didn't know if it was only a defense mechanism the daughter of Ares had developed in response to his own, or if it was simply the untainted and undisguised truth.

"Fine. Maybe I am. Dead, I mean," he said in an eerily calm manner, quite unlike the brief shouting fit and tantrum he had earlier. "As if that matters now. You're right. Looks like we're doomed to this life where no one cares. We're not supposed to be friends anyway. " He stuffed his white-knuckled fists into his pockets, kicking a stray knife on the ground near his feet. Sighing in resignation, Caleb realized that he was just... tired. So freaking tired.

"You know what, screw it. I don't know how much you care, but I don't think I want to find out. I dislike liars, especially those who lie to themselves," Caleb said stoically, picking up the knives he had 'borrowed' from the armory. He still had to get a new weapon made, he realized. Did he just forget, or had he intended to all along? Once he picked up the last one, he straightened up and stared at June. He stayed silent for a few moments, before managing, "Merry Christmas."

Caleb started making his way towards the exit. His padding footsteps seemed amplified in the barely empty arena. He didn't realize that his pace was slower than usual, didn't realize that subconsciously, he desperately wanted to be stopped.
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Tue Dec 11, 2012 10:32 pm


june helen prenston

June stood shell-shocked as she watched Caleb walk away before she realized she couldn't let him leave. If he walked away... If he walked away, he would be walking away from everything. This would be him officially walking out. June's first instinct was to call him back, but she knew that wouldn't work. He would ignore her, so instead she followed her gut and let her anger boil. "Coward!" she shouted, loudly kicking a dummy next to her. "Baby! Coward." June shook with rage and bottled up fear and depression. She wanted to explode, but she couldn't. Now more than ever she needed to play it smart.
"You always judge everyone else for being inferior to you! You always make up some reason! But I think you're just scared." June glared at the back of Caleb's head, trying to will him to turn around. "What happens if someone actually likes you? Do they end up like you and me? Even when you didn't remember us you were scared! Because you're such a coward." June laughed at herself. She was out of her mind. Her brain wasn't working properly and she was triggering the most random emotions. "I bet you're just as afraid of what other people think of you as I am. You don't want to be labeled, so instead you label everyone else. Is that it?" June was sure she would put kinks in Caleb's armor with her strong accusations, but she was relentless and didn't let up. "Without your mommy, are you lost? Maybe I didn't really have a mom! Maybe I didn't really have a dad, either! Maybe I was alone! But so what? Do you think any one really cares about you? Do you think your mom would have really sent you here just to make you socialize? Are you sure she wasn't tired of you? Disappointed in you? Hoping you would get yourself into trouble, and not come back?" June shut her eyes and hoped Caleb wasn't looking at her, because she looked like someone had stabbed her somewhere painful, like in her knee.
"Maybe I never cared about you either. You're such a coward." Each time June said the word, she stressed it. Coward. She wanted to slap some sense into the son of Momus verbally. This was how she would break him. This was how she was going to get through to him, and help him. She just didn't know the rest of her plan. Tear him down, then what? She practically loved the boy, if she was capable of something so close to what the dictionary defines as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for someone." "Maybe I was just using you. That's what us sociopath's do. According to all of the research papers, we pretend to care, either to get physical love or something bigger out of a relationship. Who's to say that wasn't my thinking behind everything?" June shook her head, still unsure whether or not Caleb was looking yet. "Maybe I care so much more than you could ever pretended to imagine, and you're walking out on that. Coward. Caleb the coward, poor little baby." June was yelling, her voice not even attempting to mask all of her pent up frustrations. That was it, she cared too much, but whatever. Let him wonder. Let it eat him up inside. Let it draw him back...
"I don't care want you do, but remember something. Some stupid girl once told some stupid boy that their life mattered. I think my exact words were, 'don't go quietly. You can still make a difference.' Stupid, but what can you expect? Both of them were and still are idiots that do nothing but mess things up!" The daughter of Ares was pale as she shut her mouth tightly and leaned against a practice dummy. She was tired from caring so much. She was tired from trying so hard. Her throat hurt and her feet ached and she just wanted to go home, but there was no such thing as home anymore. Home had been with Caleb, wherever they had managed to be happy together. Now? The idea sickened her. "Coward." June managed to get out. It stung to speak the word and her head was spinning. What the hell was she doing? Had she even done the right thing? She didn't care, she didn't want to care, she hardly cared—she did care. She wasn't ready to lose Knives. He was her best friend, and she wanted to be with him. She didn't want someone to hurt him again. What she wanted was impossible, and she wanted compromise. She would give up her mother for Caleb's. She would give up all of her knives and swords and her position as cabin leader to make Caleb's life normal again.
Was that love? Was that compassion? June didn't know. She didn't think she would ever know.

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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Fri Dec 14, 2012 12:47 am



Caleb froze in surprise. He didn't expect that. He hadn't expected for June to stoop that low, to push his buttons much like he did to her in the past. Each word hit him like a gunshot straight to the heart while keeping him alive to feel the pain. Bristling from her accusations, Caleb just stood there with his gaze trained on the ground. White-hot fury coursed through him as if it was molten lava in his veins instead of blood. How dare she call him a coward! But then, he believed that he had been immune to these kinds of jabs, so how can he let himself get this affected? Caleb started shaking, fingers unclenching to hover over the borrowed knives attached to his belt. It was not a good idea to taunt him while he had an array of weapons just raring to be used and he was this close to showing the reason why... but this was June, and that fact alone made his fingers curl back into a fist. But that didn't stop him from having the desire to knock some sense into her, to strangle her to the brink of death, but he couldn't because he, for some strange and stupid reason, cared for her...

"Shut the hell up!" Caleb roared, and with a quick fluid movement he threw a knife at her direction. The weapon sliced the air, missing her by an inch. "I... You... Don't talk about things you know nothing about!" he yelled, making no move to hide his anger. "Don't you ever speak of my mother like that. She wasn't anything like yours." His voice was losing power just as he stood at a loss for words. Caleb had just run out of ammo to fire back and he hated it, how he had let her gibes hit home. He shouldn't be like this. Had the course of events weakened him enough to get affected so easily?

Clenching his jaw, Caleb fought hard to put up the mask of indifference he had always been so good at. Looking disdainfully at June, it was all it took for him to hide the reopened wounds, to shield from view the bleeding he had sustained. He tore his eyes away from her to take a deep breath. He wanted to fight back and prove her wrong, but why was he finding it so hard to do so? It didn't seem like he could make up his mind. He couldn't even make sense of his thoughts. "I am not a coward," Caleb could only say in a pathetic defense, putting force in his words to make it sound more believable, before picking up his pace and resuming his walk out of the arena.

I'm not a coward. I'm not. The mantra consumed his mind. He wasn't a coward, Caleb says, and yet here he was walking out from it all, from the daughter of Ares who tried to open his eyes to the truth. What did that say about him? What did it say about the boy who didn't know what to want anymore? A boy who no longer knew when to stand and when to back down? I'm not a coward.

Caleb hated people who lied to themselves. Now, he just had more reason to hate himself.
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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Sat Dec 15, 2012 1:28 am


june helen prenston

June watched Caleb leave, a feeling of hopelessness resurfacing. She hadn't felt so lost since the boy started yelling at her in the attic. "But you are a coward," June begged, her voice cracking slightly because of how shaken she had been by Caleb's yelling. "Shut the hell up." No. Caleb couldn't tell her that. She deserved it, but she wasn't comfortable with being told what to do why scaredy-cat Caleb.
June suddenly clenched her fists as she realized Caleb was getting smaller. He was actually leaving. Her eyes narrowed and her palms immediately started to sweat. Her instincts took over, and like the June she typically was, she ran—towards the boy would just might kill her with a knife. "Caleb! Stop. Stop, wait. Don't go yet, please, not like this, I didn't mean to..." But she had meant to shout accusations at the boy. She had wanted to get him emotionally aroused. That would be a lie. "I'll still miss you, if you go. I... I'm sor—don't." June grasped for Caleb's arm, her small hands struggling to clutch onto the boy's arm. She needed him. She didn't care that two seconds ago, he had flung a knife at her that barely missed her forehead. The boy was crazy, but she was crazy too. The needed the crazy boy, she always had. The draw to him was noticeable. Still, they couldn't be near each other. It was unfair. Nothing had happened yet. They had time... "Cae. Please." Her weak voice broke. Not Cae. She couldn't use the word Cae unmore. It stung, and reminded her too much of happiness. It was apparent that she was not going to be "happy." Not like this. Not broken.

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PostSubject: Re: i've come too far, i can't go back [private]   Sat Dec 15, 2012 9:19 pm



Still in deep thought, Caleb barely heard June's attempts to stop him. It even took him a few seconds to realize that she was holding on to his arm. With gritted teeth, Caleb stopped and glared at her. What happened to the psycho who didn't have a problem accusing him of things? Of calling him a coward? It almost seemed like the last few seconds didn't happen and here was June begging him to stay. She didn't even seem to remember that barely a moment ago, he had thrown a knife at her.

Were they back to this again, him severing the ties and her trying to glue them back together?

"Make up your goddamned mind," he said coldly, shrugging his arm off her grip. He was furious and confused, the two emotions mixing together in a hot frenzy. While June seemed to go on a emotion-filled rollercoaster ride, Caleb's agitation only seemed to escalate further and further. He pushed her away none-too-gently and continued on, but not without leaving three chilling words. "Leave me alone."
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