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 Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*

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izzaroy



Posts : 6
Join date : 2012-06-26
Age : 17
Location : My House 'ω'

PostSubject: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:31 pm

Name-Jadesslee Italica Lacita
Nicknames-Jadess,Jade,or Lee
Age/Birthday-12/September 22
Gender- female
God Parent-Athena
Mortal Parent-Jared Lacita
Mortal Family-Jared(dad),Mary(step mother),Jessica,8,and Bella,6,(step-sisters),Jacob,7,and Peter,5,(step-brothers)
Claimed~Yes Or No?-no,she just arrived,but it will HOPEFULLY happen soon.
Years At Camp-none,she just arrived.
Brief History-Born in Olympus,than shipped to New York to her father with an important message that said "Jared,you must leave New York immediately!If not Jadesslee's life will be in terrible danger!"So Jared feld the city and went to work as a scientist in Boston.He found a way to keep Jadesslee with him as a baby,but once it was time for school,he had no idea how to keep her safe,so he just let her go to normal school.Sadly,she was kicked out of all the public schools in Boston,than the private,so her dad sent her to a boarding school for 6th grade.The year went on great,no monsters,no weird fires,or people that just wanna kill her.But it was all over the last day.Her best friends,Destel(i will submit her submission soon.)and Kyle(also will soon be submitted).Anyways, Destel and Kyle were both kicked out of all private and public schools in Boston.At the end of the day,Jadess was packing back her stuff when her door flew open and fire started emerging into the room.But Jadess didnt even look,nevermind flinch,she just went through her check list. "OK,lets see,clothes-check,iPod-check,pad of paper for ideas and inventions to show dad-checkkkkk,art supplies-check,Kindle Fire-check,Blue-...wait,wheres Blue?"said Jadess,as she looked around her bed,and Blue hopped right onto her head."there you are! now we are outta here!Blue jumps into Jaydess' backpack,and Jaydss closes it.Now Jaydess actually notices the fire,as she swings on her back pack."OOOOO!Fire!I LOVE fire!To bad its trying to kill me.Oh well."says Jadess as she presses a button on the wall and a rope plops out of the ceiling,Jadess climbs the ropes and sees Destel and Kyle."Fire?"she askes,and they both nod.So they crawl through the air vents to the front of then school where theres monsters fighting their families.Of course,Jadess takes off,ignoring the yells of Destel and Kyle."DADDD!"Jadess yells as she burst through the air vent but some stranger grabs her."Let me go!"she yells,but the stranger wont.Jadess' dad escapes the monsters and goes to Jadess. "Jadess,i need you to go with this man,you,Kyle,and Destel,go with him if you want me to be safe,go NOW!" Jadess started to protest,but the man picked her up and hauled her away,with Destel and Kyle helping him.
Physical Appearance-5 feet tall,skinny,tan skin.Pure black eyes with matching curly hair down to her waist when its down,but she usually has it in 2 ponytails.Her facial features would make you think shes a daughter of Aphrodite.She wears skinny jeans,in short,and long form.Also if not wearing Camp Half Blood tee than its her blue tank top.Always has her black leather jacket.(jacket goes down to belly button)
Personality-Fun,hilarious,athletic,energetic.She is also very smart,but does everything without thinking.Playful,and needs to be doing something,and is kinda shy.She is labelled as a rebel at school.Also she tends to take risks,A LOT.Is also very sneaky.
Weakness-Jaydess' biggest weakness is the dark.Shes absolutely terrified unless someone else is there.She used to have dreams,of Kronos.He would come in the dead pitch black of the night,and torture her.Same with monsters.Spook and scare her,lock the door so she couldnt escape.Ever since she would never go alone in the dark unless theres some one else,or its a life or death emergency.
Fatal Flaw-Impulsive,and caring.As long as everyone she loves is safe,shes happy,but she'll give up her life for almost anyone.
Talents-SuperSmarts!,great at making plans.Incredible fighter.She is AWESOME at doing crafts and artistic stuff,she can even do pottery,and weaving.She also draws plans for working robots and other electronic things that work.
Weapons-swords,shes practicing her axe skills,but mostly throws spears around.
Pet-Blue- Blue's a bunny.
Year-Rounder Or Summer?not decided,but she will be a summer camper.



Last edited by izzaroy on Fri Jun 29, 2012 10:55 am; edited 4 times in total
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izzaroy



Posts : 6
Join date : 2012-06-26
Age : 17
Location : My House 'ω'

PostSubject: Re: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Wed Jun 27, 2012 11:33 pm

Shocked accidentally spelled Athena wrong...sorry Athena!total accident...
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Pink
Angel's Bestie ;D


Posts : 119
Join date : 2012-03-30
Age : 102
Location : Oh, hun, you should really get your toilet fixed.

PostSubject: Re: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Thu Jun 28, 2012 5:08 am

While your character is quite good, I'd like to give you a few suggestions. No offense intended, just to tell you. First of all, I'd really appreciate it-- as would some other people-- if you observed proper grammar. Your structure is alright, though it could use a few more details, but try changing your 'i's to 'I's, and fill in the missing letters of your words, etc. Also, just something I noticed, doing things without thinking sort of contradicts her personality in a way (by the way, the word could be either 'brash', 'careless', 'reckless', or maybe 'impulsive'). And maybe you could expound more on her talents' section?

Other than that, I think she's alright.
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izzaroy



Posts : 6
Join date : 2012-06-26
Age : 17
Location : My House 'ω'

PostSubject: Re: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:59 am

ya,sorry about my spelling!i forgot to re-read my work.
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pinkgirl
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Posts : 2910
Join date : 2011-08-28
Location : in the middle of a cake

PostSubject: Re: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Thu Jun 28, 2012 9:15 am

For her Personality, Talents, and Physical Appearance section you need to put complete sentences. Not just phrases and a list of things. Also when you stated Female you don't need to put the symbol. Also would you mind adding another fatal flaw? I don't really think that that's a really big flaw. Other than that she would be alright.
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Nico
Chatbox Ruler
Chatbox Ruler


Posts : 5532
Join date : 2010-12-04
Age : 17
Location : your mom's house

PostSubject: Re: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Thu Jun 28, 2012 7:56 pm

Tone down her powers and giv ever some weaknesses, along with no gifts from the godly parent. I would remove that section from your template. It seems to be a part of it, and we don't allow godly gifts very often here.
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PostSubject: Re: Izzaroy's First Creation *edited*   Today at 12:55 am

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